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Time stops when you're stuck in a hotel. The news stops coming. Oh, sure, there's CNN and Fox News on the hotel cable-lite, and you can get newspapers- USA Today right at your door, the L.A. Times and the Daily Breeze and the Long Beach Press-Telegram and the L.A. Daily News on my breakfast table- but it just doesn't feel, you know, RIGHT. Hotels are for getting AWAY from news.

We're not in a hotel by choice, unless one CHOOSES to evacuate the house while it's being fumigated. Those multilingual signs threatening instant death for anyone who breaches the tent tend to work wonders as a deterrent. So we're in a hotel on the other side of the hill, about 15 minutes or so away from the house, in a suite so my early work doesn't wake Fran up. I'm writing my columns and trying- trying REAL hard- to keep up on what's going on in the world, but I'm on Hotel Time and of Hotel Mind, and even though I'm a few minutes from home and the surroundings are ultra-familiar, right near the gym and the mall and the book store and restaurants and theaters we go to all the time, I feel like I shouldn't be working, shouldn't be thinking about Bush and Kerry or the Sinclair brouhaha or anything more taxing than the Red Sox or "He's a Lady."

It's just as well. I just checked the news pages, and in keeping with the scattershot nature of Kerry's last-ditch assault on key enemy targets, there's a new Most Important Issue of the Election today. It's Social Security this time, because "the flu shot problem is Bush's fault" and "Bush wants a draft" and "Bush killed Christopher Reeve" didn't stick. This one follows the time honored Democratic tradition of telling seniors that THE REPUBLICANS WILL TAKE YOUR CHECKS AWAY! and that THE REPUBLICANS WILL SUCK THE BRAINS OUT OF YOUR LOVELY GRANDCHILDREN AND LAUGH WHILE THEY DO IT! and it tends to work to keep the Boca voters in line, but that's about it- it's playing to the core, and the core's already on board, but since Kerry's assiduously avoiding actually proposing a concrete, workable, reasonable plan to fix Social Security, he's not going to motivate anyone to vote who wasn't already heading to the polls. We could use a plan- Bush is all for allowing future SocSec participants to put their money in the market, but he doesn't have a proposal to fix the current problems- but Kerry doesn't have a plan for now OR later. And this is the Burning Issue of the Day? An issue for which nobody has an answer? Is there THAT little left to discuss this late in the game?

You know, I'm better off NOT checking the news. Every once in a while, I need Hotel Time. I wonder what they have in the vending machine downstairs....

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By the way, can we all agree now that Jon Stewart isn't nearly as funny or subversive as he's made out to be? "The Daily Show" is good but used to be better, but that's not even the point. The point came in this morning's L.A. Times (subscription only, damn it), in Patrick Goldstein's big warm ass-smooch of a profile of Bill Moyers:

I would argue that Moyers' unlikely TV soul brother is Jon Stewart, another master of dot connecting, albeit with sly humor. As Michael Moore put it earlier this year, when it comes to TV political coverage, "There's Jon Stewart and Bill Moyers, everything else is a sugar-coated lie."

There's the L.A. Times and Michael Moore, everything else is positively reactionary by comparison. Interesting choice of quotes. But onward:

For anyone frustrated with the fecklessness of today's news reporting, Moyers and Stewart are a bracing yin and yang antidote, the Jewish smart-aleck who loves to do Johnny Carson spit takes and the sober Baptist sermonizer who can quote from Reinhold Niebuhr, Learned Hand and Euripides without breaking a sweat.

Go ahead and read that a few times and see if it starts to make sense. Maybe it's like one of those "Magic Eye" pictures where if you stare real hard, you start to see the silhouette of a dove before you pass out. Besides the pointless religious references- "one's a Jew, the other's Baptist- what a crazy pair! Still, they're cousins, ideological cousins..."- there's the Euripides thing. I'm as overeducated as Moyers (with the Poli. Sci. degree and a J.D. to prove it), and I can cite philosophers and judges and social scientists all night long, but I don't, because IT'S POINTLESS. You're OBFUSCATING when you do that, you're TALKING OVER THE HEADS of everyone in the room, you're SHOWING OFF. Bill Moyers shows off, and that's a sign of insecurity- a guy who needs you to know he's Smarter Than You. Kinda like certain presidential candidates.

As it turns out, Moyers is a Stewart fan: "The great satirists always used the medium not just to tell a joke, but make a point, which is what Jon does — he gets the connection between satire and political truth."

Great satirists do not take shots at easy, insignificant targets. Big Man Stewart lost me by going on CNN's "Crossfire" to take angry, bitter shots at... "Crossfire." Er, Jon, since when is "Crossfire" worth even THINKING about, much less getting angry about? Why not go on Aaron Brown's shift, or take on Brokaw, Rather, Jennings, Fox News, someone who counts? Tucker Freakin' Carlson? Yeah, man, fight the powers that be! (But take care not to ask anything too taxing of John Kerry- satire's fine as far as it goes, but you might, you know, NEED him later)

And while we're on the Moyers beat:

What really bothers Moyers, who was in the White House when public broadcasting was created in the 1960s, is the recent politicization of PBS. Its two new shows are rightward-leaning: a talk show with Tucker Carlson, and "The Journal Editorial Report," hosted by Wall Street Journal editorial page editor Paul Gigot.

"In my 33 years at public broadcasting, it's the first time I've seen shows that were clearly created for ideological reasons," he said.

And again, it's Goldberg's Rule: you don't see bias if you AGREE with the biased position. It seems to be fair and reasonable to you. Of COURSE Moyers hasn't seen ideological bias there- he's PART of the bias, which explains this:

As for conservative attacks on "Now," he says, "What really gets under their skin isn't my opinions, but that we're telling stories they don't want to be told."

Of course. When HE talks, it's not bias, it's just stuff the other guys don't want to hear. If it's stuff HE doesn't want to hear, it's bias.

But Bill Moyers, if he was ever relevant, isn't anymore (except to the L.A. Times). Jon Stewart's SUPPOSED to be relevant. And I still like him and his show, but can we please just can the "great satirist" stuff already? He's a liberal comedian who takes cheap shots at easy targets and takes himself WAY too seriously. Nothing wrong with that, but, come on. And, unfortunately, he's another example of a guy whose head's been turned because the Very Powerful have anointed him as acceptable. Makes you appreciate Trey and Matt a little more, don't it?

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There's a lot going on tonight but there's really only one thing going on for me, and I bet you think that would be the Red Sox game.

Okay, TWO things.

No, just one. (Although I AM watching the game as I write this. Sorry)

Fourteen years ago today, I said the two most important words I will ever speak, standing in a temple in Tinton Falls, New Jersey, sweating in a tux under hot lights while family and friends watched and waited:

"I do."

Fourteen years ago today. Fourteen years and it seems like an even better idea today than it did back then.

Happy anniversary, Fran.

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We returned to the house today after the mass termite execution, and all the dire warnings offered by concerned friends remained unrealized. There was no lingering tear gas stench, there were no piles of dead termite carcasses (well, actually, there were some dead termites and detached wings near the kitchen window, where the last swarms were), the house appears intact, and we're gradually returning to normal.

It is, however, good to be out of the hotel. The Courtyard by Marriott was nice enough- pool, jacuzzi, tiny exercise room, we had a suite, it was clean, the area was safe- but it's no Ritz-Carlton Laguna Niguel and it's just a hotel. Being confined to two rooms, not having a kitchen (a fridge and nuke aren't the same thing), not having the dish with hundreds of channels and a TiVO-like receiver, not having all our stuff with us, not having Ella the World's Most Famous Cat with us... enough of that. It's good to be home.

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The Scotsman reports:

Mr Kerry returned after the two-hour hunting trip wearing a camouflage jacket and carrying a 12-gauge shotgun, but someone else carried the bird he said he shot.

"I’m too lazy," Mr Kerry joked.

According to Mike McCurry, Kerry’s adviser, yesterday’s shooting trip would help voters "get a better sense of John Kerry, the guy."

John Kerry goes shooting at geese.

George W. Bush goes out doing ranch-hand things on his ranch.

We're supposed to think that this makes them, well, you know, men.

Politicians always screw this up. Dukakis in the tank, Kerry in the sperm suit, Bush making small talk with sports heroes, it's all a little painful to me. I'm a guy, and I mean that not strictly in the biological sense (although I am... wait, let me confirm that... uh, yeah, still there). I like sports a lot. I have been known to drink beer. I have been known to drink lots of beer very fast. I have wrestled a large tree out of a swimming pool- solo!- and manually sawed it to pieces in a driving rainstorm. I've replaced capacitors to revive a DVD player. I know what a capacitor is and how to replace it. I read Car and Driver and Automobile Magazine, Maxim and FHM, Viz and Slam. I believe in responsible gun ownership, responsible barbecue operation, responsible large screen TV viewing.

Guy stuff. For guys. I'm a guy. We clear on that? Okay. Now, as a guy, I'm supposed to look at Kerry hunting- more precisely, Kerry walking across a field in hunting camo toting a rifle and claiming to have shot a goose- and feel, hey, he's one of us.

No, he isn't. He can shoot a hundred geese and he's not one of us. He's the guy who called the Packers' stadium "Lambert Field." He's a wealthy patrician politician. He is not a guy. Bush is closer to being a guy- he owned the Rangers, right? He works his ranch, right?- but sometimes I cringe when he tries too hard, like when he recently met the Eagles' Chad Lewis at a fundraiser and a) asked if T.O. is "really as controversial as he'd heard," and b) said Andy Reid is a great coach. Talking points for guy-ness. It's what you say when you've been told what to say. But he's not a guy like most guys are guys.

And that should be okay. Bill Clinton was most definitely a guy, and it got him in loads of trouble. You don't necessarily want a real guy in the Oval Office, because, well, you know. Blue-dress-stain. Nuclear bombs dropping on Manhattan while President Guy is busy watching the Raiders. State dinners involving beer, brats, and copious amounts of vomit emanating from people wearing plastic wedges of Swiss cheese on their heads. You want a compromise. You don't need someone who actually hunts to show you he's a reg'lar feller, you need someone who understands WHY some guys hunt and will let it continue. You don't need someone who works on the ranch- we all know you're rich enough to hire people to do that, Mr. President, give it up- as long as you have someone who appreciates what it is to work for a living. You don't need to make lame comments about the local team or stadium to show you're just like the voters, just tell them what you'll do for them, then do it. Spare us the photo ops. And, geez, Senator, carry your own damn goose.

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The Wal-Mart in Long Beach is almost past Halloween and it's definitely already over Thanksgiving- the Christmas stuff already occupies a handsome chunk of real estate. Fran loves Thanksgiving, and wanted some sort of turkey-related decoration, but they were pretty much done with that. Sorry, folks, the calendar may say we're not yet at Halloween, but in Retail World it's late December. Get with the program, people.

So we picked up a couple of odd-looking straw people that maybe kinda sorta suggest a Thanksgiving theme- hey, for $2.88, I won't complain- and headed for the candy aisle. We didn't buy candy for Halloween early this year because of the termite thing- we'd have had to bag the stuff- so we went tonight, and they were already down to a single aisle of limited selection (it's Christmas already, y'see). It's hard to know what to get. Back in the day, you knew what kids liked, because you'd been a kid, too, and you knew what you liked. Snickers, yes. Kit Kats. Reese's. Lollipops were out, and Smarties were OK, but Tootsie Rolls kinda made you sick after a while. Three Musketeers were acceptable, but off-brand stuff was not. We had standards. Now, the watchword is sour, and the kids seem to go for Skittles and worse. But then there are things like white chocolate Reeses- do kids like them or not? Do they even still like Reese's? How about Nerds? Or Baby Ruths? I like Baby Ruths, but do the kids? Dunno. Don't know anything anymore. We settled on a bag of mixed M&M fun-sized treats- plain, peanut, minis, but, sadly, no crunchys. Will the kids like it? Don't know, and I guess I shouldn't care. They're not MY kids. Besides, all they're doing is mooching. Maybe we just shouldn't be home. (Maybe I'd then have to clean the eggs and soap off the house the next day)

None of this, of course, has to do with the election. I see this as a good thing. I need evenings like this where Bush and Kerry and Laura and Teresa and Cheney and the Lawyer are someplace else, far, far away. Tonight, we visited Christmas, almost two months past the election, and it seemed like a better place to be. Let's hope they've figured out who won by then.

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I'm watching the Series through a haze induced by a combination of the lingering pseudo-head-cold with which I've been afflicted for about a week, a powerful sinus headache, and the two Wal-Dryls (Wal-Mart's generic Benadryl) I took about two hours ago. And all my mind is doing right now is repeating, over and over, Lenny Welch's version of "Since I Fell For You" that I heard on Oldies 540 and 1260 this morning when I was running. Great song, so it could be worse- if I'd heard, say, the Britney Spears version of "My Prerogative" and THAT got stuck in my mind, I'd be stuffing the Wal-Dryls up my nostrils and in my ears attempting to erase it. "Since I Fell for You" is better, but I'd like to be at a more normal function level right now.

Not that today was filled with normal, considering we saw "I (Heart) Huckabees" this afternoon, which is not all that normal. Not bad, either- I feared the worst, an incoherent unentertaining preachy mess, and it's an incoherent entertaining preachy mess, sort of a grad-student-showing-off-what-he-knows movie. Point of the exercise? None, really- some broad swipes at Big Bad Corporate America, some tin-eared, heavy-handed attempts at satirizing marketing campaigns and consumerism, but it ends up being entertaining, although far from universally so (a burly senior loudly proclaimed "well, that was a waste of the last two hours" as he left, then sat on a bench outside the theater warning others not to see it). And Jude Law really IS in every movie this Fall. But this one was okay, not as good as "Flirting With Disaster" but not nearly what I'd feared.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's Saturday night, the Sox just regained the lead, and the Wal-Dryls are scrambling what's left of my mind. I'll go now.

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