PMSimon.com

Made it to the other side of the country, had some hotel problems, and it's late (past midnight here). So, yes, I have something to say about the Eagles, but it'll have to wait until Monday.

Just remember, when a hotel says it has Internet access in all rooms, what they mean is that some rooms don't. Needless to say, this was not something that pleased me.

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ESPN's Bill Simmons wrote a recent column about a Red Sox fan who missed the whole post-season because he was in a coma, thus becoming Coma Guy and being the one living Sox fan who didn't experience the joy of the Series win because he was, er, otherwise engaged.

For the NFC Championship this year, I was, figuratively, close to Coma Guy. I missed the whole game.

It was not... well, partially not my fault. I did not intend to be in an airplane when the Eagles game started, rushing to the baggage claim as the clock wound down, waiting for my rental car when I checked my cell phone and the final score popped onto the screen. When I booked the flight over a month ago, I didn't know for sure that the Eagles would be in the game, or that the NFC game would be at 3p ET. And if the plane had been on time, I might have made it to a TV in time to see the end. Instead, the plane was a few minutes late, the baggage took forever to emerge on the carousel, and the rental car agency was out of the car I'd reserved. That's how I ended up staring at my cell phone web browser as the good news came in and the rental agent said I could either wait for a full-sized car to show up, pay a lot extra for an SUV, or take the mini-van for the reservation price. Not quite Coma Guy, but in the ballpark, with an obstructed view.

Missed the game. Ended up in a Dodge Caravan. 32 degrees in Florida. The first room at the hotel didn't have Net access. Perfect, just perfect.

Well, actually, it WAS perfect, because after all that, we met this character:

He's our nephew. It was the first time we got to see him im person- he was born just a month ago. the kid's adorable, and we're his Crazy California Relatives, Weird Uncle Perry and Aunt Frannie. I missed McNabb showing up Vick, I missed the celebration, I missed the football, but I didn't miss the most important thing.

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If I'm awake, that is. Travelin' day tomorrow, early- and I mean EARLY. Talk to you when I get back.

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Back from Tampa-St. Petersburg, just in time to miss Gasparilla. We've never actually been in Tampa when Gasparilla is in effect- Gasparilla is sort of Tampa's answer to Mardi Gras, ostensibly an invasion by "pirates" who seize control of the city and throw strings of beads at the locals (I believe residents of Tampa are known as Tampons, although I might be gratuitously insulting them for a cheap laugh here) and parade up Bayshore and cavort to the sound of bar bands (featured this year: "Gregg Rolie (former lead singer of Santana and Journey)"!) on multiple stages downtown.

Anyway, we missed it, and while we were waiting for the plane this morning, I perused an article about Gasparilla for the uninitiated in the St. Petersburg Times (or, as the Tampa edition is called, the St. Petersburg TIMES). The article explains the concept- "krewes" ride on floats, toss beads, that sort of thing- and hints at the fact that the whole thing is basically everyone in town lining Bayshore to watch, well, some guys in pirate costumes ride past. (In other words, it's an excuse to drink gallons of Bud and puke, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, and which I've done for less of a reason) After explaining that there aren't too many bathroom available and the portapotties are disgusting and sport long lines, the Times adds this note:

Many revelers - and not only just guys - have been known to urinate pretty much anywhere once they've consumed mass quantities of adult beverages.

Sounds fabulous! Let's go there now! Watch your step!

Not that we wouldn't have gone had we stayed over for the weekend- it seems like a lot of fun, if you have a strong bladder. Maybe next year. (Memo to Deb, Simon and Ryan: we can hang with you, right?)

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The Arizona Cardinals unveiled their new logo today. Here's the comparison, with the old (1960-2004) version on top and the new one on the bottom:

Here's an excerpt from AP's coverage of this earth-shattering development:

The old Cardinal logo was a roundhead bird derisively referred to as a "parakeet." The new version has decidedly more evil eyes and a menacing expression. "The outline is in black," Michael Bidwill said. "We've made the beak much more predatory and much more aggressive. The face is much more streamlined. It's faster looking. The eye has been described as mean, we'll say tough. We've taken tail feathers and given them speed, as well." The new beak is gold, while the old one was yellow.

Now, wait. Let's take a look again, old on top, new on bottom:

Am I missing something here?

The new logo is almost EXACTLY THE SAME as the old one. The changes are subtle enough to be almost unnoticeable unless someone points them out to you ("see? The beak's not yellow, it's gold! Gold! Here, look at this Pantone chart...."). Here's what the article SHOULD have said:

The old Cardinal logo was a roundhead bird derisively referred to as a "parakeet." The new version is pretty much the same bird head, with a thicker outline. "We paid a lot for this thing," Michael Bidwill said. "and the guy who took our money says that the beak is much more predatory and much more aggressive. Frankly, we can't tell much of a difference, but did I mention how much we paid for this? A lot. So we're willing to suspend disbelief." The new beak is gold, which is another way of saying it's yellow, as was the old one.

Parents, teach your kids to be graphic designers. They can make a lot of money selling people's logos back to them, virtually unchanged. The trick is to find yourself a big enough pigeon.

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I don't understand.

The federal government is paying columnists and commentators to parrot the same crap they'd have said anyway, and that's stupidity, but I can understand why they might think to do it, wrongheaded though it may be. What I can't understand is this:

Who is Mike McManus?

Who thought Armstrong Williams matters?

Why would anyone consider Maggie Gallagher worth buying off?

I'm familiar with most of your big-time pundit types. I'm familiar with the big bloggers, too. Armstrong Williams is a marginal character- he has radio and TV shows, only they don't air on stations with any audience, so his influence can't be big. Ditto Maggie Gallagher- I've seen her column in the New York Post, but she's one of those writers that's just, you know, there- nothing remarkable, no household name. Mike McManus? Absolutely, positively never heard of the guy. Blank. Zip.

Why would anyone think he was worth buying off?

I imagine the Bush people holding a list of commentators and ticking off the unlikelies- "Safire? Nah... Will? No way..." Then down to "Max Boot? Nope... Podhoretz? He wouldn't..." And so on, until it's "Elroy Lardbottom of the Pensacola Weekly Objectionist-Curmudgeon? Probably not... Gashley Crumboski of WELP 'Whelp 106' in Opelousas? Maybe... ah, no, don't think so...." And after that's when you hit Mike McManus.

I guess. Frankly, the name rings no bells.

Here he is, shilling for something called "Lovegevity." It says he's in over 100 papers; the articles today said he's in 50. That means he's in a lot less than that, probably, and they're likely to be the Springfield Shopper or the Arlen (TX) Bystander. Turns out- I Googled the guy- he's syndicated by the New York Times Syndicate, which is NOT the same thing as being in the New York Times. No, he writes a column called "Ethics and Religion," and apparently, allegedly, he kinda missed the point of the first part. Regardless, I still haven't heard of him.

(Fun fact- on one page, I found a column where he recommends books on marriage, including one by... wait for it... Maggie Gallagher. Evidently, there's a network of these people)

So we have an administration both wrongheaded enough to spend tax money to buy off columnists and stupid enough to select columnists with absolutely no juice, no influence, nothing. Maybe those are the only ones who would let themselves be purchased, but I doubt that. They just came cheaper, that's all. And I guess the folks in this administration are looking for bargains. They got what they paid for.

Maybe next time, they'll try buying off bloggers. We know Kos is available.

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I guess that I'm supposed to have something pithy and intelligent to say about the Iraqi elections, but I don't. I hope they go well- is that pithy and intelligent?

I don't- can't- know how I'd react if I was an Iraqi and faced with the kind of threats that are being lobbed their way by the terrorists/insurgents. I'd like to think I'd defiantly march, head held high, to the polls, middle finger extended to all the extremists and Saddam loyalists and al Qaedans. I'd like to think that. But I know how terrified I'd be, and I can't say for sure I'd be so fearless.

But I hope enough Iraqis can muster the courage to go vote, courage I'm not certain I have. I guess you don't know how courageous you really are until you need to call up that courage. Iraqis, who have had to face dictatorship, war, and terrorism, have had to do that for decades- and now they have to find some more. Here's hoping they have enough left in the tank.

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