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I mean, I just got off the plane, practically.

Observations from the Talkers convention tomorrow, including second-hand observations of the Al Franken cocktail party debacle, the World's Most Pointless Opening Panel Ever, good times seeing good people, bad times observing odd people, and other worthless off-the-top-of-my-head crap. You can't wait, I know. But you will.

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The annual "New Media Seminar" that Talkers Magazine puts on in New York goes the same way every year: a bunch of useless panels with too many participants, a couple of good presentations, and some cocktail parties with skimpy bars and lousy food where you basically network away for a couple of hours until the hotel employees unceremoniously shoo everyone out of the room. This year's event was pretty much according to form, although I missed what was apparently the "highlight" of the whole thing: while I was having dinner with some talk radio folks across town, Al Franken evidently took the occasion of his receiving the "Free Speech Award," whatever that is, at the opening cocktail party to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and so on and attack conservative talkers by name for whatever evils he thinks they've done, and after 20 minutes of the tirade people started to leave and the Talkers publisher tried to ease him off the stage and Al took offense and kept going. See, I'd PAY to see that. But I didn't see it (I DID pay for it, I guess). Brian Maloney has several accounts on his blog- check it out here.

That's the kind of thing the Talkers convention's all about: people acting self-important and all-knowing while others roll their eyes and look for beer. I fit in the latter category; I'm thankful that I was not alone.

Saturday's lineup:

1. Alan Colmes starts with his usual "I'm a liberal working for Fox" jokes.

2. A panel of hosts talks about Deep Throat and racial divisions and other bad talk radio topics. Look, the audience is made up of people who are IN talk radio- why are we sitting in a theater on a sweltering Saturday morning listening to a live version of BAD talk radio? Was there a good reason for people who hear this crap on their own stations every single day to have to sit through an incoherent babblefest in which even G. Gordon Liddy was reduced to silence while people like Jerry Doyle and Karen Hunter argued about, well, who the hell knows what they were arguing about? And why did they let it go on for several minutes past the allotted time? (Franken told his story about Rush getting his facts wrong on the minimum wage. I've seen him tell the same story several times now. Al, just focus on your own show, dude- you're only giving your competition more publicity)

3. Walter Sabo gave his usual strong presentation which can be summed up in one phrase: radio people have no idea how to get positive publicity. He's right. At All Access, I get several press releases a day from XM and Sirius. I get very, very few from regular radio stations. I don't mind- I like to actually report rather than just rewrite press releases- but if stations and hosts don't alert the media about what they're doing, how are we supposed to know about it? We can't listen to every station 24/7.

4. "The Future of Talk Media" might have been a good panel, but I'd gone out to buy popcorn- the thing's in a movie theater- and I missed most of it. I would feel guilty if some other parties who shall remain nameless didn't go one step further and duck into the 11 am showing of "Cinderella Man" instead of bothering with the seminar.

5. Dr. Laura was supposed to talk about "Reinventing Yourself and Your Show," but instead she talked about herself and told stories. Thanks for sharing.

6. Holland Cooke talked about "Talk, Beyond Radio," and I missed most of it because I'd ducked out after Laura to talk to some folks and timed it wrong. It was probably a good one, too, because he's always forward-looking, but I blew it. Sorry, Holland. Here's a link.

7. Lunch. Took one look at the crappy spread and headed out with the new CJAD Montreal PD, Mike Bendixen, to find beer and better food and a waterside table to watch the boats in the World Financial Center Marina. Found it, and thus avoided the "Freedom of Speech Luncheon" that always features Blanquita Cullum, who is one of the big shots at this convention. I could not identify a single station on which Blanquita Cullum appears. I don't doubt she's out there, but I have no idea where.

8. "Balancing Local and National Talk." Walked in a little late to hear a nationally syndicated host talking about how there's variety because when you have a hot topic like (and here he said something like Deep Throat or the Senate filibuster), you can find three or four people talking about it on different stations. I wanted to scream "YEAH, AND THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE F'ING TALK RADIO BUSINESS!" Other than the news media and the old fart political wonk geeks obsessed with Watergate and partisan politics, WHO THE HELL CARES who Deep Throat was or whether the Senate filibuster survived? And who wants to hear deadly boring talk hosts blather about it with "regular callers"? How about talking about stuff that matters to your listeners? I'm not sure what "balancing local and national talk" means, anyway- you just get the best talk available, and sometimes it's local and sometimes it's national. In some markets, there's so much to talk about on a local level that you can do without syndication; in others, there isn't. There's no formula. Me, I like local talk, because when you talk about local, relatable, identifiable issues, you'll win. But that costs money. Tell the GM that and see where it gets you.

9. Jack Swanson hits a home run with his "secrets to successful talk radio," basically advising stations to be professional and big and actually celebrate success and have fun. Jack has done this in San Francisco at KGO and has been insanely successful. Naturally, few stations emulate KGO.

10. "Is FM Talk Coming?" Even the panel and moderator agreed that the whole premise of this question is stupid- it's already here and successful, so why is there a debate? Maybe because despite over a decade of huge revenues, a lot of radio people still think talk is for AM. You know where I stand on this- talk and personality radio is the only strategic advantage broadcast stations can wield against satellite and streaming and podcasts- and the panel agreed. But even though Eric Johnson, who is the current and highly successful programmer at the station I helped start, New Jersey 101.5, name-checked me as a founder of the format, I sat there anonymously watching Mancow and a producer at KLSX (another station I helped into the format) and Russ Rollins of WTKS (another station I helped into the format) and John Mainelli discussed the merits of FM talk and I wanted to yell WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ASK ME? I HELPED INVENT THE F'ING THING! DO I NOT MATTER ANYMORE? Well, yeah, I guess I don't. Sigh.

11. "Programming a News/Talk Radio Station." I was still happy for the name check but extremely bummed thinking about how little credit I get- woe is me- and how I'm in a room where maybe 50% of the people have no idea I exist (nor interest in same) and I cut in and out of consciousness, briefly jolted by a name check of All Access (not sure if it was Bill White or Jack Landreth or Randall Bloomquist or David Bernstein who said it, but thanks, whoever did), lulled back into unconsciousness by Sean Hannity's lavish praise for the Talkers folks (hey, they're competition!), and only roused at the end with the promise of free beer at the cocktail party.

12. Good: cocktail party equals free beer. Bad: Bud Light and other less-than-palatable brews. Good: Saw some good folks I generally don't get to see in person much, and some who I only know from e-mails- so THAT'S what Kevin LaRue and Kristen Bechtold and Tom Becka and McGraw Milhaven and John Carney (the Midwest in da house) look like in person!- and it was very nice, and Randi Rhodes was as concise and witty and entertaining as, apparently, her fellow network host was not at the previous evening's party, and nearly redeemed the evening until I went outside, still debating whether to hop the 7 train to Shea and see the Mets-Angels game, and promptly got drenched by a thunderstorm on the way to the E train station. No game for me- wet and humid, no thanks, and thus I missed an epic game with a big Mets comeback and Cliff Floyd's game-winner-that-wasn't foul homer followed immediately by a game-winner-that-was fair ball over the right-center wall. I got out of town Sunday morning before the Puerto Rico Day parade could block my crosstown break for JFK.

That was the trip, and I left thinking talk radio is still a weird business. So much of the seminar seems to be pushing the idea that there are problems with the industry that you forget that it's one of the few things about commercial terrestrial radio that has a bright future. It's obvious that there should be, and probably WILL be, more talk radio, maybe even lots more local talk, more liberal talk, more conservative talk, more lifestyle and sports and women's and tech and business and pop culture talk. Instead of a parade of Guys in Suits, these things should leave you charged up about talk radio's future. I don't think the people in attendance want to hear Stephanie Miller and Tony Snow arguing about Gitmo. I think they want to hear about the future, get a pep talk, leave with a clearer view of what's happening, what's coming, what can be.

Or they want to see Al Franken get dragged from the stage with a giant vaudeville hook. I can dream, can't I?

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The great thing about the return of Phil Jackson to the Lakers is that the fans are going nuts with anticipation, the L.A. media is acting like the team's been saved, and the team still sucks. The cap means they can't sign anyone good; they'll have essentially the same sorry collection of stiffs surrounding Kobe and Odom that missed the playoffs this season, and other teams will have improved. Same suck, more expensive coach.

I cannot wait until a year from now, when the Lakers are nursing the wounds of another lottery finish and everyone in L.A. tries to claim that they told you so.

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It's Mutant Week here at pmsimon.com! Chapter one was the Talkers convention. Today, we're checking the local mutant community.

I have no idea what I was thinking when I said yes to Fran's suggestion that we drop by the new local Wal-Mart to pick up a few things we needed. A quick word of explanation: we have been shopping at the Wal-Marts in Long Beach for several years, but on Wednesday- that would be today- they opened a new store in Torrance, which is closer to our home. For some reason, my brain told me that the store was open yesterday, but today was the Grand Opening. And we scooted over there after dinner and...

Mob scene.

First problem: traffic. The store's address is on Normandie, but there's no entrance off Normandie. You have to turn onto 190th Street, then turn again at the next light into the sole entrance. And there is no green arrow light to turn left from Normandie northbound to 190th westbound, so when I realized we were about 25 cars back and only two cars, at best, were turning left at each green, I decided to go past 190th, do a u-turn, and do an end-around. It worked, although I got some gray hairs from the maneuver.

We had to park in a different time zone.

There was another logjam at the front door. Carts were all taken, and there appeared to be one narrow door working. We squeezed into the place and then, after dodging several carts wielded by dazed-looking madres, I took a look around.

Three observations:

1. This place is nice and big, as Wal-Marts go.
2. This place is packed with shoppers.
3. Boy, are these people huge.

Look, we're not what you'd call waifish, but we were surrounded by huge people. Not even morbidly obese folks- that I can understand, there are medical conditions involved. No, we're talking 300 pound women in stretch clothings with flesh sticking out from over the waistband of sorely taxed spandex capris. We're talking men who made Peter Griffin of Quahog, RI look reasonably in shape. Maybe this whole anti-obesity thing has merit; if people look like this in California, God help the rest of the nation. Maybe there SHOULD be some sort of anti-junk-food law. They definitely should issue licenses to wear tight-fitting spandex.

And then, unfortunately, another observation:

4. These people smell.

Yes, they sell deodorant at Wal-Mart. Apparently, the folks who turned out for the Grand Opening feel no need to check out those particular bargains. I had to squeeze by a youngish, upper-middle-class couple arguing over by the pocket t's and the guy's stench- sweat and pee- nearly knocked me over. I'm still reeling. It was like that all over the store.

I'm not sure why everyone was there. We've had Wal-Mart a short drive away for years, and we have Target, too, which, frankly, isn't all that different. The Torrance Target recently remodeled, and it's pretty nice. I'm sure it was empty tonight. People were clogging every single aisle in the new Wal-Mart. But why? There were no sales- Wal-Mart prices are Wal-Mart prices, they're pretty much the same every day (hence the slogan "everyday low prices"). The good denizens of Torrance were cleaning the place out as if they'd never seen anything like it.

We bumper-carted our way through the place, and then we saw the checkout lines. The one closest to us backed halfway through the store. Other lines were similar, and carts were filled to the brim. I closed my eyes, pushed my way through Juniors and Petites, I think, and ended up on a relatively short line. We would have gotten through faster, but a woman in front of us had to go through her entire wallet to find a credit or debit card that would work. You know, if I'm Wal-Mart, after the second card didn't go through, I'd have a manager quietly take her aside, tell her that it would be best if she left, and then boot her out the door- if she's carrying a wallet full of overdrawn or maxed-out cards, she shouldn't be paying with anything but cash.

We finally got the hell out of there, with one more minor glitch: evidently, they've put anti-theft devices on the carts that mean you can't roll them past a certain point, but they made that point before you actually ran out of parking lot, so, if you, like we did, park in the outer reaches of the lot, you can't wheel your cart to your car. Nice planning. We carried the packages to the car and escaped.

Lessons learned:

1. Do not go to a Wal-Mart on opening day.
2. People are huge and smelly.
3. I shouldn't be leaving the house. What was I thinking?

And you don't get this kind of analysis from the Huffington Post.

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Have you been watching the NBA Finals? I know, not too many people are doing that, but it's been remarkable for one thing and one thing only.

I think most people, when they're being paid to do something, show up to do their best. Their pride kicks in, they try. Even if they don't really succeed, they try. It's the anti-embarrassment switch that flips on. You do your best so nobody will think you suck.

Apparently, that switch is absent among NBA players. In the first four games, one or the other team has not shown up at all. Tonight, the Spurs looked much as they did in game three- confused, slow, lackluster, frustrated. And at some point, they seemed to stop trying. Even Tim Duncan sulked and pouted and looked defeated... in the third quarter, still within a reasonable deficit, still capable of making it a game. They didn't bother, just as they didn't bother in the previous game and Detroit didn't bother in San Antonio. San Antonio turned the ball over 16 times and had only one steal themselves; adding insult to 31-point-loss injury, they even let Darko hit a hook shot. Darko scored! You gotta be kidding.

These teams were touted as the ultimate defensive giants, these games touted as taut defensive struggles. The only struggle is to keep from switching to "Baby Hit Me One More Time." And if the Spurs don't think it's time to step it up and actually play like these games mean anything, why should I be wasting time watching it?

Whatever. Only a couple more games left, guys, then your tee time awaits. They're working hard to avert a lockout, but I don't know if they should bother- the players appear to be locking themselves out right now.

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Promised an iPod review. Here it is.

Love it.

Got a 30 GB iPod Photo, and I'm using it to hear recorded radio, podcasts, and music. So far, so good- good sound, light, easy to use, syncs fine, and the click wheel's easy once you get the hang of it. I'm really enjoying using the thing while running to catch up on shows I can't hear live, and for once there's no signal dropout (where I run, the San Diego FMs drop out after a mile, then there's nothing but Santa Barbara for a mile, then L.A. kicks in; if it's recorded, voila- no dropouts). I feared I wouldn't use it much; instead, I'm using it all the time, in the car, at the gym, everywhere. And yes, podcasts mainly suck, but there are good ones- I like hearing Leo LaPorte's extra-tech-y podcasts, the Philadelphia Daily News podcast's pretty decent, and more "regular radio shows" are going with the podcasts, so it can only get better. Will it replace other forms of radio? Dunno about that, but it's been working for my purposes.

I'll check back in with an update in a month or so. In the meantime, it's been worth the expense so far.

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Because I'm too lazy to actually write, here are some blurry pictures from my cell phone that I hadn't gotten around to doing anything with...

First, Madison Square Park, New York, the Shake Shack, on a boiling hot late afternoon:

The view from my hotel room looking down at Duffy Square, New York- and if you look closely at the reflection in the window, you can see the back of my phone case, the lens, and even my hand (they're all giant):

Here's the lobby of Sirius Satellite Radio. That's some school trip sitting in the waiting area, the TV panels that flash welcomes to all visiting celebrities (the Wayans Bros. were there when I was; I never get that kind of reception) are hanging on the left, and those signs on the glass say "future home of Howard Stern":

And this is what the Talkers convention looked like from way in the back, in a standard multiplex theater across from Ground Zero:

Now, if my phone only took DECENT pictures... but it's a Treo 600, and it doesn't. And I was too lazy to tote my actual cameras around.

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