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May 7, 2006 - May 13, 2006 Archives

May 7, 2006

TONIGHT'S "SOPRANOS": WE'RE BORED

Tony's bored. No kidding.

A little movement tonight, continuing in the two-character-focus mode. Tonight's featured players: Christopher and Paulie.

While everyone else sat on the bench spitting sunflower shells, Christopher found out his girlfriend is pregnant, got married, shot a biker while stealing cases of wine with Tony on a road trip, fell off the wagon with booze, fell off the wagon with heroin, and had a flashback about Adrianna, whose mother still thinks he killed her.

Meanwhile, Paulie was having a hard time running the annual street fair, had some religious trouble with the statue of the saint and its (withheld) gold hat, cursed at and then, by episode's end, sort-of reconciled with his mother (the one who raised him, not her sister the nun and Paulie's real mother), screwed up by cheaping out on hiring a lousy carny ride operator who had an accident and hurt ridegoers including Janice Soprano, and had difficulty with a prostate cancer scare.

And Tony, after the fun of the impromptu wine holdup, essentially told Dr. Melfi he's feeling bored.

Looming issues: the feds looking at Adriana's "disappearance," Paulie's prostate, Tony and Phil Leotardo cutting Johnny Sack out of a deal, Bobby Baccala's weakness, Christopher's descent into alcohol and drugs. Forgotten issues: everything else. Another episode bogged down in subpolts, but at least we're a few inches forward.

The preview of next week's episode looks weak- Johnny Sack's attorney suggests cutting a deal with the feds, some more Bobby-Janice-Tony stuff- but last week's preview of this week's episode was very misleading, promising a lot more action than we got. Even paulie wasn't as entertaining as we'd been led to believe he'd be. So you can't tell anything from that.


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EARLY MOTHER'S DAY

Mom would have been 72 today. Or 74. Or... well, we never really knew how old she was. She never admitted to any age. She wouldn't let us see her driver's license, and we assumed that she'd probably shaved a couple of years off her age to ease matters when she emigrated to the U.S. after the war.

She had an accent that I can stil hear in my mind. I can still see her face, too- a regal beauty, somehow finding herself transplanted from the somewhat backwards, old-school eastern Europe before the war to hiding in Germany while the government looked for her and the Russians marched by to free her to the radically different modernity of suburban New Jersey. She spoke Yiddish to her aunt and friends, assuming that my sister and I wouldn't understand, although we learned enough to figure out what she was saying. She feigned confusion with the language when she didn't want to have to deal with something, but she was a lot smarter than she wanted people to think. And she had the survivor's mentality, insecure, as if she expected the Nazis to find her in the Jersey wilderness- she would have nightmares that Germany would reunite, and when it did, she was not pleased.

I've written a lot about how much I owe my father, but that's not to sell my mother short. She managed our family, she took care of all of us, and she gave us all the love she could, which was plenty. I regret that she never got to come out here to California- we moved a year after she was gone. She'd have liked it here.

Mom, happy birthday. You always used to tell me I shouldn't do anything for your birthday. Sorry- I couldn't resist. Never could.


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May 8, 2006

ANGER IS AN ENERGY

No time for a full post tonight, which is just as well because I'm still seething from last week's slight. (I'm usually above this, put it was egregious enough to even be remarked upon by people who don't read this blog but know all the parties involved and the facts, so I might be justified) Better shut up before I write something I'll regret (like I haven't before)....


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May 9, 2006

MAKING MORNING WHOOPI UNPALATABLE

It occurred to me that not everyone who reads this thing receives the weekly newsletter thing I send out through All Access. For those who don't, then, here's an edited version (omitting the All Access promo stuff) of this week's letter:

Let's see if you can guess what rubbed me the wrong way about this quote by Whoopi Goldberg from this morning's All Access Net News item about her new morning radio show:

"Radio is an area I have always wanted to play in."

Okay, a little background is in order here. There may be nobody in radio who's worked on more celebrities-trying-to-do-radio shows than me. I'm the guy many companies have turned to after they've hired a TV personality or comedian or notorious person with no radio experience, hoping to make some radio magic. And it rarely works. Occasionally, it does work- I've found that some standup comics have been able to make the transition pretty well, as well as some journalists and even a rock star or two- but more often than not, it doesn't. Management’s reasoning goes something like this: famous person, sure to draw curiosity, can talk, how bad can it be? And for the celebrity, it's this: radio? Radio?!? Come on, I'm a STAR! Radio's EASY! It's nothing! You just TALK for a few hours! I can do that!

But you and I know that it's a lot harder than it looks. Actors rarely write a word of what they say in public. No matter what the occasion, they have "people" to write appropriate words for them. (You think "I'll have a venti decaf mocha frap" is an ad lib?) But radio doesn't work that way- you have to prepare for a show in an entirely different way than an actor prepares for a role, or a comedian gets lines together for a set in front of a fake brick wall. Even if you have the best producers and material at your disposal, you're still expected to create three, four, even five hours of original material every single day.

And when someone who's never done it before not only instantly gets a great syndicated slot- cutting the line!- but announces it by saying she "always wanted to play in" radio, well, yeah, that bothers me. Hosting a radio show can be a fun job, and it's surely not breaking rocks in the hot sun, but it takes a particular specialized talent and work ethic to be really good at it. For people who have made it their career, it's not something to "play in." It's a job, a profession, a creative outlet, a craft. Whoopi may be great at it- we'll find out this Summer, anyway- but she's going to discover how hard this is soon enough.

And she might want to call David Lee Roth for some advice.

(Message to radio executives: believe it or not, there are people doing radio RIGHT NOW in big and small markets who can do shows that will draw big audiences. They'll even cost a lot less than your rock stars and celebrities, and they don't need training or writing staffs or craft service tables. You might want to check them out sometime.)

(promo stuff redacted)

Let's close on a positive note and welcome Whoopi to the radio hosts' club. If she does succeed in bringing more listeners to terrestrial radio, that's good for everyone, right? And maybe she'll need some expert guidance to help her do a better show. I'm in the book, Whoopster. My rate's negotiable.


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ADD WHOOPI

And one more thing about the Whoopi Goldberg radio show: it's easy to say what Howard Stern said ("it will FAIL"), but the best comment I've heard about it came from the Regular Guys' Larry Wachs on 96 Rock/Atlanta, whose reaction was:

"She's the antidote to Phil Hendrie!"

Perfect.


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May 10, 2006

COULDN'T BE WORSE THAN "TOAD THE WET SPROCKET." OR "MAROON FIVE," FOR THAT MATTER

The spammers have backed off using those random "names" like Vocations C. Tellingly on their e-mail. Replacing those are random words in the subject line.

As a public service to anyone looking for a suitable band name, here are just a few of the spam subject lines in my mailbox today:

simper prophecy
Midwestern fingernail
deputy avoidable
godparent freakout
coloring sympathetic
parking brake
bite stomp
persona siamese thoriate
olive oil casualness
hyphen contribute
witch hunt aperitif
attractive apostle
resemble fiberglass
motorboat nymphomaniac
pasteurized resplendent
respiration ailment
grumble pose
mineral plaid
intervene beaker
reconcile pollutant
squeeze butcher
bruise exasperating
monarchy oil well
bid credibility
faucet bilaterally
outburst experimentally
replacement levelheaded
pleasantry damage
cistern vulture
crane merriment
palm asleep
preexisting willing

I'm partial to "witch hunt aperitif" myself.


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May 11, 2006

ELLA TO THE RESCUE

Whaddya do when you're tired, you've had a long day of work and doctors and errands, and you sit down to write at the end of the day and you just... don't... care?

Say hello to my little friend:

(I know, catblogging is so three years ago. But it's Ella the World's Most Famous Cat. Who doesn't love Ella the World's Most Famous Cat? And that bluish thing behind her on the ledge in front of the fireplace is our gargoyle. He doesn't have a name)

(Her eyes DO have pupils, by the way. She's not possessed. Although when she's running around like a maniac at 2 am or demanding attention at 3 am, I might see that a different way)


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May 12, 2006

DUMP, THE MAGIC BUTTON

My reaction to the Star and Buc Wild case is the same that I had in the KTRS Dave Lenihan case: why didn't anyone hit the dump button?

Life doesn't come with a rewind button. You usually don't get a chance to do anything over. But radio gives hosts a second chance: you get to erase something after it's said but before it airs. It's anywhere between seven seconds and lots more than that. And in that time, if someone, say, blurts out an obscenity, or you say something you immediately regret saying, or you have any question at all as to whether what just got said or played might bring down the wrath of the FCC or your wife or anyone else, you just hit a button and everything jumps ahead and you're live for a few seconds, and that previous mistaken seven seconds are gone, history, erased. Nobody listening on the air will hear it. Simple. Beautiful.

And unused in some cases. In Star's case, there were people in the building sitting by that delay button, or should have been. Whoever it was didn't bother hitting it, same as the KTRS case, when a board op and producer heard the poor guy stumble and, instead of telling him to shut up and hitting the button so it could all go away, just sat there frozen. In both cases, salvation was one pressed button away. It's like you're on a ship, someone goes overboard, and all you have to do is throw down a lifesaver, yet you just stand and watch the poor schmuck drown. In Lenihan's case, it was an accident; in Star's case, it was self-inflicted. In Lenihan's case, the guy just had a brain fart; in Star's case, there was a host the staff was afraid to cross, behaving as if he was some sort of untouchable O.G. tough guy, or at least a Howard Stern wannabe thinking that if Howard could wish cancer on his enemies, it would be even MORE outrageous to threaten a 4 year old child with rape.

But nobody pushed the button. Nobody.

I would fire anyone within 6 feet of the delay who heard the shows and didn't hit the dump button. There's no excuse. Howard Stern used to complain about "Dead Air Dave" and Tom Chiusano spending all morning listening and hitting the button, but that's pretty much what any talk station and any station with edgy, controversial hosts needs to do. CBS has Al Dukes looming over the dump button for Opie and Anthony and has local guys doing the same at other stations, even for shows that aren't that controversial. Whatever Howard may think, if you're the license holder, you have to do that, unless you're hell bent on spending millions in legal fees. It's not fair and not right, perhaps, that the puritanical FCC and Congress are causing this, but they are and it's necessary. But in Star's situation, having a "Dead Air Dave" or Al Dukes watching for stuff that'll get everyone in trouble would have saved the guy's career. What's more offensive, having your bosses censor you on occasion or getting fired and arrested for what wasn't censored?

One stupid button would have saved Star's ass. One button. If he deserves rebuke, so does everyone else who sat on their hands when they could have saved him from himself.

(By the way, how weaselly is it for Star to "apologize" through his attorney? If you're sincere, do it yourself, tough guy. If you don't mean it, don't do it, period. But this "have my lawyer issue an apology" thing... some gangsta.)


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May 13, 2006

IT MIGHT TAKE YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE, BUT THE PRICES ARE SO GOOD

Two reasons why it might not have been the best idea to go to Costco today:

1. It's the day before Mother's Day.

2. It's Saturday.

Those two events would normally mean this would be retailing's Perfect Storm: last-minute holiday shopping (Costco's big on floral arrangements for Dear Ol' Mom) and the busiest shopping day of the week. And, indeed, the place was packed with the especially clueless- lane blockers, dawdlers, the hard-of-steering- and the parking lot was jammed. But we managed to find a space quickly enough, maneuver through the crowds to grab what we needed, and somehow even get to a checkout lane with only one person in front of us.

We survived the Costco calamity. I'm so proud.

Later, I saw the coverage of disgraced radio personality Star doing the perp walk in New York, preening and mugging for the cameras and calling himself the new Lenny Bruce. Funny, but I seem to recall Lenny Bruce being persecuted for telling jokes about sex and using "four-letter words," not threatening to "go R. Kelly" on a 4 year old child. But it's nice to see that Star is following the Howard Stern playbook right to the letter. It's always good to pay tribute to your influences. Too bad he's no Howard Stern, and no Lenny Bruce.

Prediction: community service, donation to child abuse prevention organization, court-ordered "heartfelt apology." And he'll be doing radio again in two years.


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About May 2006

This page contains all entries posted to PMSimon.com in May 2006. They are listed from oldest to newest.

April 30, 2006 - May 6, 2006 is the previous archive.

May 14, 2006 - May 20, 2006 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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