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August 2007 Archives

August 1, 2007

BRIDGE COLLAPSE

I had something I was gonna write about tonight, and then this happened and all other thoughts flew out the window. Unlike other local disasters, this one can't be dismissed with "well, it doesn't affect me because it can't happen here," like earthquakes for someone in, say, Florida, or hurricanes in North Dakota. No, this is a freeway bridge -- most towns have some kind of bridge or overpass somewhere -- that suddenly, without an apparent precipitating event yet known, collapsed into the Mississippi River. This one nearly defines "it COULD happen here." This looks like the Nimitz Freeway collapse in the Loma Prieta World Series quake, but without the quake. This looks worse than the 10 Freeway collapse and the freeway ramp collapse in the Northridge quake, too. The Sunshine Skyway came down because a freighter hit it. Bridges just don't do this.

But people do just drive across bridges just like this one every single day, and there's never a thought that the thing could collapse at any minute. We drive across the only real big bridge in L.A., the Vincent Thomas Bridge (the green one in all the movies, the one misnamed the "St. Vincent Thomas Bridge" in the movie "Heat"), once in a while on the way to Long Beach or Orange COunty, and we never think, geez, there's nothing between this road and the water and it's a long drop. Next time, next several times, we will. That's the major effect of this kind of disaster on people elsewhere: suddenly, that thought will cross your mind every time you cross a bridge, any bridge.

I have WCCO-TV's coverage on right now, with the scene still horrific, thunderstorms rolling in, and a doctor at the nearest hospital briefing reporters. I feel for him; you're trained at hospitals to handle emergencies, but preparing is not the same as having to deal with it. But so far, everyone seems to be on top of things: emergency workers, medical teams, command centers are in full swing, and rescue boats and crews seemed to get to the scene almost immediately. They're showing pictures now of survivors and victims being taken off the bridge, and some of them do not look good. My thoughts are with everyone in the Twin Cities.


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August 2, 2007

THIS WEEK'S "THE LETTER": DEPEND ON IT. MAYBE YOU'LL GET LUCKY

This week's All Access newsletter wonders aloud why what used to be a given in radio is now a luxury, and how important it is that we change how we think about that:

The bridge collapse in Minneapolis prompted a few things in my mind, one being prayers for the people on the bridge and their families and for all of my friends and colleagues in the Twin Cities, a second being that this will come to mind every time I cross a bridge for a long time, and the third, most germane to radio, is that this is the time for talk and news radio to be what listeners expect and need them to be, the ultimate information source.

A lot of talk radio stations position themselves as the place to turn for information when news happens. I hear the promos on countless stations. "Depend on us!" "Breaking news first!" "The most trusted name in local news!" But some of those stations are hardly 24/7 news operations. Blame cost cutting and management's inability to accept the importance of radio news, sure, but if you're a PD, that's on you, too. If you want the top news position, you have to insist on having a well-appointed, professional news operation, not outsourced but your very own. You have to lobby for it, and if you have it, you have to protect it from the cost-cutters. And if you don't? An emergency happens, people in their cars tune to your station, and... you're talking about something else. You're in syndication, or on tape, with nobody to break in for coverage. Or you're carrying some TV station's audio, and the descriptions are inadequate. You need news made for radio. You need your own feet on the ground at the scene.

You also need local hosts ready to go on the air immediately and make sense of the situation. You need to put callers on the air to tell what they saw -- every TV station's soliciting home video and cell phone camera material, and callers are the equivalent for radio. And you don't have to wait for anything to upload -- it's instant.

And it shouldn't stop there. What does your Web site do in cases like this? If an emergency happens and someone goes to your Web site, what will he or she find? Your program schedule? A bunch of ads? Some third-party-generated entertainment news headlines? You need to get news up there, audio and video, too. Radio cedes this position to the local newspaper Web sites and TV station Web sites, and it doesn't have to be this way. If you're trying to be the news leader, you need to be exactly that whenever and wherever a consumer comes looking for news. Just streaming won't cut it. It's too much work? It's a new age, and it's what you have to do.

What? All this costs money? Why, yes, it does. And if corporate doesn't want to spend that money, I'm sure they'll have a good story to tell the Senate panels about their commitment to localism when the folks on Capitol Hill start looking into ownership consolidation again. (What goes over better in Washington, having to try to explain Minot again and again or telling the legislators how stations across the Twin Cities dial covered every angle of the bridge collapse?) And I'm sure they have a better idea than I on how to differentiate the stations and make them more viable against satellite and podcasts and other new media. "Today's Hits, Yesterday's Favorites"-- yeah, that can't possibly be duplicated by anyone else.

I didn't get to hear the Twin Cities talk stations on Wednesday evening, but I understand that they all stepped up and went wall-to-wall with coverage. And because of that, their listeners will continue to turn to them whenever something's happening, major or minor. If you're not ready to do the same thing, good luck. If we've learned anything from the bridge collapse, it's that catastrophe can happen anywhere, at any time, including right in your back yard. And if your listeners can't depend on you in an emergency, you've lost your primary advantage against everyone else.

Okay, here, I usually do the plug for Talk Topics and all the weird and funny stories you'll find there for your show, but it doesn't seem appropriate this week, so I'll just say that you'll find a lot of stuff to talk about there -- Talk Topics at All Access News-Talk-Sports, ask for it by name -- and there's plenty of other great content on the site, too, including "10 Questions With..." former ESPN Radio producer Chadd Scott, who's part of a new Southern regionally syndicated show called "The Sports Tap," and, of course, the industry's fastest, most complete, best news coverage in Net News, along with all the columns, Mediabase charts, ratings (now including analysis), and other information you expect from AllAccess.com. End of plug.

Look, I'm proud of the job radio news does in so many cases, including this tragedy. I just want to know that it's going to continue to be the case. Instead of relief when I hear that stations came through in the clutch, I'd like to go back to expecting nothing less.


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August 3, 2007

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE BIG ONE

Another attempt at a talk radio network bit the dust today, this one a women's talk network. I could tell you why it wasn't going to work- and that it was "talk for women" wasn't necessarily a major reason- but nobody pays me to do so, so....

Aw, what the hell, I'll throw out one small piece of advice for anyone thinking of starting up a network: don't. Instead, launch one show at a time. Do one, get that one on a bunch of affiliates, lavish attention on it, make it work, THEN look at expanding. You aren't going to clear a lot of stations if you're trying to get them to take nine, twelve, fifteen hours of programming. It's tough enough to clear a two or three hour show, especially live. Set your sights lower, show success at that level, then build on that. Why everyone- Air America, GreenStone- seems to think you can burst out of the blocks as a full network, I don't know. I don't know who sells the investors on this concept. Doesn't anyone look at history? The biggest syndicators started with one or two small products: Premiere started with the Brown Bag Countdown (of which a station at which I worked, WJLK in Asbury Park, was an early affiliate), and Westwood One did weekly music shows. Rush Limbaugh was independently syndicated along with Dr. Dean Edell by Ed McLaughlin- no "network," even if Rush called it the "EIB Network." Jim Rome was independently syndicated by Noble, the company that operated the station he was at in San Diego. Eventually, they all got absorbed into big syndication companies, all of whom will sell you one show if that's all you want. That's how to do it. Start with one, make it work, start another. This is not difficult to grasp.

But they didn't, and that's a shame. More talk radio is better for everyone. Of course, it has to be GOOD talk radio, and that requires a different pile of my expert advice. That, I must inform you, will require an extra charge.


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August 5, 2007

QUALIFICATIONS: MUST HAVE DEEP THROAT

Sorry for the skipped day yesterday and the short one today; it was a busy weekend involving lunch with THREE mayors of our town, an encounter with a Genuine TV Star, a friend's experience throwing out the first pitch at a minor league ball game, and lots of driving. And work. Details coming this week.

Meanwhile, while perusing the listings at Craigslist, I noticed this:

The Parents Television Council is the nation’s most influential advocacy organization promoting and restoring responsibility and decency to the entertainment industry.

The Lovelace Internship Program offers the opportunity for young people to pursue their interest in the entertainment field–specifically television–and the impact it has on our culture.

The Lovelace Internship Program?

For the folks who want to censor our TV programs?

Is there a Ron Jeremy Internship Program? A Long Dong Silver Internship Program? A Jenna Jameson Internship Program?

That HAS to be a joke. No, really, guys. Stop it, you're killing us.


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August 6, 2007

MONDAY MATINEE: "A DAY AT THE BALLPARK"

Today's special film is "A Day At the Ballpark," based on a true story and starring KFI/Los Angeles afternoon personality John Kobylt as himself. Thrills! Chills! Middle-aged couples popping balloons with their butts! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll stare with indifference. "Desperate Housewives" star James Denton will not appear in this film due to contractural restrictions and because I forgot to pull out the camera when he was around.

Click on the image, bask in the glow of baseball the way it used to be. Or never was. Whatever.


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August 7, 2007

AGGRAVATION (BY LAKESIDE)

I just... do... not...have...time tonight.

Here's something amusing to read, about someone in the O.C. Register newsroom making life difficult for a local TV show. I'm going to go scream now.


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August 8, 2007

ANY BONDS TODAY?

My bad mood wasn't helped much when I went to the baseball card box to find Barry Bonds cards. I know I have a Bonds rookie card someplace, and Bonds cards from when his head could fit into a human-sized cap, but I found a sea of lesser lights, a box full of Rance Mulliniks and Gary Redus instead of any future Hall of Famers. The box I scoured was mostly from the '87 Topps line. I went through stacks and stacks of cards... no Bonds.

I did find a guy people THOUGHT was going to be a Hall of Famer... in something...:

The World's Worst Baseball Announcer:

The Lizard King:

A guy who, if he should invite you to lunch at Boston Market, you should probably turn down:

And a guy who we of the Phillies faith have since forgiven:

Finally, I did find someone who was at least there last night, Barry's nominal boss:

And, then, paydirt:

No, I don't know any players named "Cream."


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August 9, 2007

THIS WEEK'S "THE LETTER": WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? FEATURING BARRY BONDS AND THE BELLAMY BROTHERS

This week's All Access newsletter attempts to explain to the older radio folk why Johnny doesn't care about radio anymore -- he does, it's just something different to him these days, old timer:

One of the stock questions I ask folks in the "10 Questions With..." feature is about how the subjects got into radio, and why they chose radio as a career. The answers generally involve listening to a transistor radio and hearing the magic and wanting to be part of it. Everybody has a story like that. I've told you mine before, growing up with the big top 40 AMs and "progressive" FMs and Bob Grant snarling "get off the phone" and Jean Shepherd riffing on "slob art" and the local daytimer with its remotes from Stern's department store on Hamburg Turnpike and thinking how cool it would be to be part of that. Your details are probably different, but the idea is the same. You listened, you fell in love, you decided that it was what you had to do. And you did it, whether you, like me, commandeered your college station, or you started hanging around a local station until someone let you do an overnight shift.

It's different today. You see articles about how younger generations -- those kids today! Get off my lawn! -- say they don't listen to terrestrial radio anymore, and while I think that's exaggerated (SOMEONE's listening to Kiss and Power and KROQ), there's no question that the mystique, the coolness factor, has worn off. But something I rarely see mentioned in those articles is one other factor: it's never been easier to do your own radio show. A 13 year old kid doesn't have to dream about being just like the people on the radio, playing music and talking about life; he or she can BE that person with a cheap mic, a computer, and freeware. You and I might have made tapes in our living room and thrown them into a box, never to be heard again; they record a show and in seconds it's available all over the world.

That's why the next generation of talent will probably not be found doing a local show on a 500 watt AM in the hinterlands. They don't need it. But that doesn't mean they don't love radio, it just means that they don't define "radio" the same way we did. If you're a PD looking for talent, don't forget to look where the creative folks are playing. That crazy kid ranting on YouTube might turn out to be someone you can make into a radio star.

There's also something important for your future as a talk host in that, too. You know about how the "new media" -- podcasts, streaming, YouTube -- are still in their relative infancy and hard to monetize right now. That day is coming. It's not here and it won't be here in the next few months, so you're not going to be able to quit your job and do a podcast and sell lots of advertising and go out and buy that orange Lamborghini like Pacman Jones drives. (A few podcasts DO make money, but that's not the norm) But you can see today how the media world is evolving, and what's going to happen is that the medium itself, the delivery system, will be irrelevant. But no matter what happens, you have to remember that if what you're offering is unique and entertaining, people will want it, regardless of how they get it. As Walter Sabo points out in this week's "10 Questions With...", "People don't listen (to) or watch media. They watch shows. They listen to shows.... The best show, regardless of the stage, wins their time, attention and money."

You want to protect yourself for the future? You want to remain viable? Give 'em a show. Whether it's on a "real" radio station or online or on a podcast or on satellite or standing on a street corner with a bullhorn, make it a show, make it worth people's time to listen to you. Maybe the near future is shaky, but the one thing you can do to be viable for the long term is to strive to be the best at what you do.

And in the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to have another job to pay the bills. But that's another topic for another column.

Now for the plug: Talk Topics at All Access News-Talk-Sports is the place to go for show prep with topics hand-picked and updated several times daily by a real live talk radio professional who knows the kind of material you need and, um, yeah, whatever. Why, this week, you'll find items about a woman who put "American Idol" auditions over the relatively small matter of giving birth, a bad nickname to have when you're facing trial, the meaning of "dope," the anguish of Bush 41, new uses for the Wii, the debate over front license plates, the naked jogging priest, why the FDA can keep drugs that may save your life from you when you need them most, why cowboy boots and police work don't mix, the puking TV news anchor, a man killed by his own new shoes, a girl who probably should have left her 99 cent flip-flop on the cliff ledge where it had fallen, Hitler's record collection, how you can smell like the Beckhams, a vomit-inducing flashlight, and why parents are sticking needles in their babies, plus plenty of items about Barry Bonds and the bridge collapse aftermath and much more, including the aforementioned and quite interesting "10 Questions With..." consultant Walter Sabo and the rest of All Access with industry news first, message boards, Mediabase charts, the Industry Directory, lots of columns, and an interview with the Bellamy Brothers. Yes, the "Let Your Love Flow" Bellamy Brothers. The "If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body" Bellamy Brothers. Come on, you gotta admit, that's cool. Anyway, it's all free.

Next week: maybe I'll come up with some ways to supplement your income while waiting for things to change. You COULD eBay those Warrant promo 12 inchers you still have from your short-lived metal-club DJ stint, but that won't be enough to pay the rent.


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August 10, 2007

THE BASEBALL CARD CHRONICLES: CASEY TEACHES

Listening to the Phillies-Braves game tonight while driving home from a quick shopping trip was agonizing. 5-4 lead, Tom Gordon in, and he just couldn't get it over the plate -- walked the leadoff guy on four pitches, went 2-0 on the next batter before inducing a weak grounder, more wildness and a near-wild pitch that would have tied the game with two out before he got a deceptive save. Aaron Rowand is the latest casualty, too -- blurred vision. So this is how this season is going to go, winning ugly, blamed on injuries when it's really all about leaving men on base and the bullpen blowing leads. I'll take the wins, but I still have that 86-win, missing-the-wild-card feeling again. It's the Phillies' destiny. It's almost enough to throw in the towel and pick another favorite team, but I wouldn't be allowed back in Philly ever again, so, sorry, Angels and Dodgers, I'm sticking with the team that brung me.

Let's look at one of my very favorite oddball baseball cards ever:

They don't make cards like this anymore. Actually, they really never did -- this was an anomaly even in 1964. That's the Polo Grounds as a backdrop, and Ed Kranepool as the pupil. Note that Kranepool is looking blankly off camera while Stengel pontificates; Kranepool couldn't be bothered to even appear interested. He was a kid listening to the insane rantings of some old guy. "This is a bat," Stengel explained. "You gotta swing this to get a hit. Now, when I was playing for the Brooklyns, and that was a lot of years ago, I once came up with a runner on third and Alexander pitching, and Alexander used to hit the bottle, so you never knew what you were gonna get, and back then we didn't have helmets, so...." And Kranepool's thoughts drifted to the loose women hanging around the team hotel when they would get to Chicago.

Or something like that. We don't know, because the back of the card doesn't tell us:

All it says is how Stengel and the coaching staff held an "advance (sic) rookie school" to work patiently with "the future major league stars." I'm guessing that Cleon Jones, Ron Swoboda, and Ron Hunt were part of that crew. But so would Greg Goossen and Kevin Collins, and they didn't quite work out as planned. (Seaver and Koosman came later. Agee was with the White Sox, Grote with the Colts/Astros)

Can you imagine a card like this today? "Torre Teaches." And the multi-millionaire rookies tell him where he can shove the bat.


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August 11, 2007

TRAILER TRASH

We saw "The Bourne Ultimatum" this afternoon, and it was very good, despite Paul Greengrass' insistence on liberal use of the ShakyCam -- you couldn't tell who was hitting whom in some fight scenes because the jiggling lens blurred out everything. But it was the slam-bang movie you'd want it to be, a terrific wrap to the trilogy, and worth seeing.

But someone took the plot -- which, of course, involves a rogue operation of the CIA -- and must have thought the opportunity was ideal to append trailers for some "message movies" to this one. And so we got trailers for...

"Rendition": Reese Witherspoon's saintly Muslim husband is kidnapped by the CIA, taken overseas to a secret prison, and tortured, much to the consternation of dissident CIA agent Jake Gyllenhaal.

"The Kingdom": Saudi Muslim terrorists kill a lot of people, American agents go to Saudi Arabia to solve the murder, someone kidnaps Jason Bateman, and the result: we learn that terrorists and Americans are exactly the same.

"In the Valley of Elah": Tommy Lee Jones and Charlize Theron team up to discover that his son, returning from the hell of Iraq, was killed by his own platoon after a night at a strip joint, indicating that, in reality, he was killed by America's involvement in Iraq. "Inspired by a true story."

And those are just three of a flood of movies in the same vein, including "Stop-Loss" (glorification of a soldier who refuses to return to Iraq), "Imperial Life in the Emerald City" (Americans screw up Iraq while living it up in the Green Zone), "Redacted" (Americans persecute Iraqi family).

What's the theme here? What does Hollywood think of America? Why, yes, that's right, they DO have problems with America, yes, they do. And they have the courage, by God, to speak out forcefully against the evil Americans every chance they get, because it's a job that must be done. It's also a job they know will not get them in the least bit of trouble, because, it turns out, you can paint Americans as evil and stupid and violent and not only will Americans not respond with violence, they'll pay good money to see you do it. Note that none of the "courageous" filmmakers will speak out against Islamic fundamentalist terrorism, despite the fact that Islamic fundamentalists are against everything for which the filmmakers stand, and have the stated goal of either converting people like the filmmakers to fundamentalist Islam by force or killing them. Can't speak out about THAT. They might KILL us.

And so we get movies that equate Americans with terrorists and American-style freedom with fundamentalist dictatorships, and we get Danny Glover and Sean Penn dropping by for friendly visits with Hugo Chavez, and then Hollywood folks get indignant when people in the flyover raise the question of whether, maybe, the show business industry's priorities are a wee bit off base. Here's the thing: the folks in Hollywood have every right to say what they wish and portray things the way they want. But if that draws comment that perhaps their perspective is somewhat skewed, and in some ways completely addle-brained, they shouldn't scream persecution and censorship. They don't know what persecution and censorship are. Persecution and censorship don't get the prime trailer slots before "The Bourne Ultimatum" at your local Regal multiplex.


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August 12, 2007

ROKY ERICKSON AND CURLY JOE DE RITA, TOGETHER AGAIN

I could write a full entry tonight, but I've been thinking of blowing off Sundays here anyway because of the work load I've somehow assumed on the Day of Rest. But thanks to Cartoon Brew, I can link you to a great -- spectacular -- entry on WFMU's indispensable weird-music "Beware of the Blog" about Hanna-Barbera Records, a long entry with great pictures that includes murder, suicide, the Three Stooges, Frankie and Annette, the Thirteenth Floor Elevators, Squiddly Diddly, a load of classic sixties garage band punks and soul singers, Bill Dana as Jose Jimenez, Scatman Crothers, the Avengers theme, Louis Prima, Paul Frees singing, and the genesis of Three Dog Night, all on the same page and in the space of three short years. And, yes, they did release Pebbles and Bamm Bamm singing "Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sun Shine In." The cover of "The Jon and Robin Elastic Event" is worth the price of admission.

If you're anything like me, you want to check the entry out now. So do it. Click here. You're welcome.

And if that's not enough, the very same blog has a great entry with links to YouTube clips from, and with, Merv Griffin, God rest his soul. Click here for that. We -- Fran and me -- will never forget running into Merv in a men's store in Palm Desert a few years ago, Merv in a flowing white gauzy caftan and toting a teacup dog. We exchanged pleasantries -- "oh, are you going over to the Arts Festival? It's wonderful this year!" -- and that was it. He had grown, um, large, and was much more out than you'd see on TV, but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy. They don't make shows like "The Merv Griffin Show" anymore.


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August 13, 2007

THE BASEBALL CARD CHRONICLES: SPECIAL GUEST STARS

The 1974 Topps baseball card set had celebrities galore. But not necessarily baseball celebrities.

Heavyweight terror Mike Tyson!

Former L.A. Mayor Tom Bradley!

Oscar winner George (C.) Scott!

Dancer Bill Robinson!

Daryl Hall's shadow John Oates!

NBA great Bill Russell!

Campaign issue Willie Horton!

Actor Ed Herrmann!

Elmore Leonard (and Quentin Tarantino)'s Jackie Brown!

Philadelphia weatherman (and father of "Angel") Dave Roberts!

Replacements guitarist Bob Stinson!

And Chuck Taylor!

It's like an especially mutant "Merv Griffin Show" lineup.

(Yes, it's silly. Silly is what I'm about at the moment)


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August 14, 2007

THE BASEBALL CARD CHRONICLES: SOME GUYS I REMEMBER

Another day with no time, so here are a few uncategorizable (is that a word?) items from the 1974 Topps set:

Here's Rich Troedson of the... er, wait a minute, was Washington even in the majors in 1974? No, they were not. You'll recall that in the winter of 1973-74, the San Diego Padres, failing in The Most Liveable City In The World, were about to bail to D.C. Topps pulled the trigger too quickly, issued some Padres players' cards with this identification (and the curious "NAT'L LEA." abbreviation in quotes), then recalled them, but it was too late, and a few got out, including this one, to me. I couldn't get a player anyone could identify, of course. I got Rich Troedson.

It's the Stork! Everybody loved George Theodore because he just did not look like a ballplayer. He was all arms and legs and, well, a stork. He didn't play long -- a broken hip after running into Don Hahn in the outfield in '73 took care of that. But here's confirmation of his Wikipedia entry about what it says on the back of this card:

George likes marshmallow milkshakes! I trust that's still true.

In honor of the passing of the Scooter, Phil Rizzuto, here's the player who most represents the Yankees of my childhood to me:

Mickey Mantle. Joe DiMaggio. Roger Maris. Celerino Sanchez.

Yeah, that fits.

Finally...

No, Tito. The band goes on first, THEN the cap. You see... ah, forget it.


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August 15, 2007

THE BASEBALL CARD CHRONICLES: FASHION VICTIMS (PLUS BONUS BAT-WIELDING VIOLENCE)

First, before our feature attraction, a tribute to Jose Offerman:

I particularly like this Marichal card because it shows the kick, which would be what everyone would remember first about him if not for his application of bat to John Roseboro's head. It's nice to see Mr. Offerman (a former Phillie) use lessons learned from an all-time great against another former Phillie (Matt Beech). I just love independent minor league baseball.

And now, for the main event, a warning: as a young man, you want to conform to current fashion trends, but if there are cameras around, you get immortalized. For example:

Jim McGlothlin was a guy of whose cards I always got many multiples every year. He was a particularly fresh-faced, clean-cut guy on his cards when he played for the Angels and Reds. On this card, he had sprouted some major sideburn action, big red hedges on his face. Sadly, it was his last card, and even more sadly, it was because he had been diagnosed with leukemia. He passed away the next year, 1975, at the age of 32. There's an article about him from Time Magazine in 1967 here and his obit from the New York Times here. Sad story.

This guy has the full Van Nuys going on: porn 'stache, too much hair. But Red Sox fans don't care about that for two reasons, the '75 series, game six, and because a large percentage of the crowd at Fenway still looks like this. (By the way, something interesting about early 70s Topps cards: they had players looking up so you couldn't see the fronts of their caps, probably because they did such a crappy job of airbrushing new logos onto the caps when a guy was traded in the off-season. It would be many years before Photoshop)

Oscar Gamble's 'fro was beyond memorable. That picture does it no justice. This one does:

And this gives you the full cap/helmet effect:

When he went to the Yankees, he got a haircut. But despite a decent and lengthy career, all anyone remembers him for is the 'fro. He could have hit .400 and 600 homers and you'd still remember the hair. He WAS the 70's.

Tip: when it's Card Picture Day, take a quick look in the mirror first, lest:

I shouldn't make fun of him. He a) lives somewhere around here and b) is a freelance writer, kinda like... me. And you don't want to see any pictures of me from 1974.


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August 16, 2007

THIS WEEK'S "THE LETTER": PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP

This week's All Access newsletter tries to tie in two topics, technology and the idea of talk radio stations "owning a topic," and does so in a particularly incoherent manner:

I was reading a blog about new media -- stop rolling your eyes! -- and I saw an item about something a small newspaper did that got me wondering why radio stations aren't doing something similar. Here's what the paper did: after the bridge collapse, with everyone wondering about the bridges and roads and infrastructure in their own towns, the paper decided to ask readers to tell them about dodgy-looking bridges and buildings and other stuff in their neighborhoods. But they did it through their Web site, and they did it with a new tool that combines Google mapping with another application that lets people zoom in on a problem in town, post information, and send the tip to the newspaper for coverage. Simple, extremely effective, and the paper ends up owning the topic, because readers know that the paper is the go-to place for information about it.

Did you do something like that with the infrastructure topic? Do you do that with any topic? It's not just talking about a topic, it's OWNING a topic. And that's a critical difference between a run-of-the-mill talk station and a dominant talk station.

Owning a topic means that whenever something happens, people will instinctively turn to you for information. It means that listeners know that they'll not only hear everything there is to know about what's going on, but that they'll be able to contribute to the conversation, too. It's not just setting up the topic and opening the phones, it's making your station the nerve center. It's not just complaining, it's rallying, it's getting politicians on the line and demanding action, it's doing your homework so that you have answers and a plan for every issue. It is hard work, but it pays off.

And now there are tools to help you dominate a topic even more. But that raises another issue: how much does your Web site suck? Most radio Web sites do. As consultant Holland Cooke notes in his "10 Questions With..." interview this week, they're often just brochures for the station. Some have news headlines, too, which is a start, and maybe a poll. But why aren't you doing something like that newspaper did? Why isn't there an interactive map on your site where people can post their observations about crumbling bridges and abandoned eyesores, or, for that matter, their favorite places to visit or spots where traffic lights are needed or where police blotter items are happening? Why isn't there a place where people can post video of things happening around your market? Why isn't there a regularly updated blog with additional information about every topic you do? Why are most radio Web sites corporate cookie cutter sales kits which haven't been updated since early 2003?

Money is not an excuse. That map thing was done by a paper with a newsroom staff of 25 people. Someone around your building, or their kids, can update your site without too much trouble or expense. And if you have to throw a few bucks at someone to do it, well, consider it a new cost of doing radio business, and tell the sales staff it's one of them new-fangled NTR opportunities they keep reading about in the RAB brochures. It's a matter of keeping your station relevant and in the thick of the news. And if you do it right, for any topic, it'll give you tons of material for that OTHER highly interactive medium you have at your disposal: talk radio.

More information is available on the Internets. Specifically, you can find the blog item I saw here at Jeff Jarvis' Buzz Machine blog. But this isn't a Buzz Machine newsletter, this is an All Access News-Talk-Sports newsletter, so remember that you can find topics galore for your show and station at All Access' Talk Topics column. THAT'S the plug. And here's more of the plug: this week in Talk Topics, you'll find items about a guy being saved from choking by a car crash, another guy who's donated 30 gallons of blood (not all at once), how anyone can get your cell phone number (and why you're almost powerless to do anything about it), strife among the Violent Femmes, why it's hard to be The Cheeseman these days, a gruesome way to scam insurers and hospitals, why middle-aged businessmen are getting plastic surgery, how Reggie the Alligator almost went AWOL again, a reality show on which you don't want to appear, a "deadly toilet-seat squabble," the bat-wielding rage of Jose Offerman, a stirring tribute to the late Stanley Myron Handleman, bee attacks, and Abraham Lincoln's secret shame, plus the sacred eggplant, the naked swimmer, lots of politics and weather and earthquake trouble, and Ron Jeremy. And if that's not enough, you'll get a provocative "10 Questions With..." the aforementioned Holland Cooke and the rest of All Access with news and music and columns and message boards and ratings and jobs and much more, all for the low, low price of free.

I'd insert the usual last joke in here, but it's way too hot to come up with anything funny right now, as you can tell. Let's hope next week's cooler.


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August 17, 2007

SHORT STUFF: I THOUGHT COMIC-CON WAS LAST MONTH

I was queued up to pay for my Charleston Chews and Benadryl ("Breakfast of Champions!") at the Rite-Aid when the young couple in front of me giggled and I took a look at them. She: short, muffin-top, giggly, clutching a package of condoms. He: Chris Griffin.

No, really. You see cartoon characters, and some are so broadly drawn, you think that nobody could possibly look like that in real life. "Family Guy"'s Chris Griffin is one of those characters: rotund, no chin, droopy eyes, droopy hair, unkempt, spotty. He can't be based on a real guy.

But there he was, groping his girlfriend's butt, droning on about the states he'd visited, chortling, his blond hair drooping in front of his spotty face and non-chin. If he'd started talking about the evil monkey in his closet, I would not have been shocked. Uncanny.

I suppose it's a good thing they were buying condoms, though. I don't want to contemplate the results if they procreate.


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August 18, 2007

MERV AND RIZZUTO, TOGETHER AGAIN

I love how quickly YouTube users react.

Remembering Merv:

And Scooter:

On the other hand, nobody posted any clip of Troy Aikman making a comment about not looking between your legs because it makes it hard, or something like that, on the Fox NFL telecast Friday night. It threw Joe Buck for a second. Surprised nobody's posted that yet.


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August 19, 2007

FAITH, LACK OF

After games like last night and today, why are you still a Phillies fan?

I don't know. I guess I'm stuck.

But you moved across the country. You live in L.A. Why not just switch to the Dodgers or Angels?

Can't.

Why not?

Don't know.

That's stupid.

Maybe, but I couldn't show my face in Philadelphia again if I switched now.

So what?

Don't know. But I guess I just expect them to break my heart. It's the way of the Phillies. And the Eagles, Sixers, Flyers, and Villanova, with limited exceptions. You sign on as a Philadelphia sports fan, you're signing on for pain. Could I bail on them? No, I don't think I can. I've invested too much to bail now. I went all-in many years ago. I can't even really root 100% for the local soccer team -- not even with Beckham playing now -- because Philly might someday get another team.

That's pathetic.

No, Yoel Hernandez is pathetic. Charlie Manuel's managing is pathetic. Ryan Howard going back to serial strikeouts is pathetic. Losing two of three to the Pirates is pathetic. You want pathetic? Philadelphia sports fans know pathetic. We are intimately involved with pathetic. We are pathetic by association and in that we care so passionately about teams that aren't worth the passion. And we are pathetic because, year after year after year, we go into each season hoping that, somehow, this season will be different. We learn nothing. We keep sticking our hands into the fire, knowing that we will get burned but for some reason doing it again and again.

And all they have to do is win one game and I'll be back on the bandwagon. Must be genetic.


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August 20, 2007

RAYS OR NAY

Here's the dilemma: I'm going to be in Tampa later this week, and I would like, while there, to see a baseball game. I have been to Tropicana Field, so no warnings are necessary -- I know it's, um, a unique experience. But I would like to go anyway. The Oakland A's are in town, so it's a battle of mediocrity vs. worse than mediocrity, a war of the weak, a totally inconsequential game. But I would like to go anyway.

Tickets in the lower bowl between the foul poles are $210 to $22.

$210 for two teams who are out of the running? No.

But even $22 for seats down the line seems steep. $52 behind the plate and a little ways up under the press box is also steep. The upper deck is eight bucks, but unless I can wander downstairs unmolested by ushers, I don't want to sit up there at any price.

I do have alternatives. I COULD pay six bucks and see the Clearwater Threshers and Dunedin Blue Jays up at bland Knology Park in front of a handful of bored retirees, or I could take a ride up Dale Mabry and see the Tampa Yankees take on the Lakeland Tigers before an only slightly larger crowd in a slightly nicer park (I've been there) for three bucks. But in either case, it's low Class A, I don't know who's left on those rosters, and the game's meaningless.

Sort of like the A's-Devil Rays.

So I don't know what to do. I'd prefer seeing the major league game -- if I'm on the road and in a city where a game's going on, I break out in hives if I don't get to go. But we're talking about a team 29 games under .500 hosting a team three games under and 12 games out (10 back for the wild card), and we're talking too damn expensive. What would you do? Bite the bullet, buy a $22 ticket and drift back behind home plate? Buy an $8 ticket and take your chances? Go to see the Phuture Phillies (yeah, right) take on the Baby Blue Jays? Or just go someplace else and drink beer?

This would be far easier if I wasn't a baseball fan. Damn these genetics.


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August 21, 2007

BEWARE THE BLOB

Too busy and too agitated tonight. I'd explain why, but it would only raise my blood pressure again. And it's not even that Cole Hamels is hurt and will miss his turn tomorrow night.

Just... not now. I'll try to impove my mood tomorrow. Can't guarantee anything.


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August 22, 2007

MY INANIMATE OBJECT'S BETTER THAN YOUR INANIMATE OBJECT

The hosts of the podcast were aghast at the deal that made Paramount throw its lot back with the HD-DVD-exclusive group. Why would they do that, they asked, when Blu-Ray is the clear winner? And one of the hosts kept saying "two-to-one, they outsell HD-DVD two-to-one." And I thought, first, who declared a winner? Neither format is selling many DVDs, even with all of those PS3s out there. And, second, who the hell cares? Shouldn't we welcome the opportunity for the "format war" to play out? Who needs an HD player so soon? What's the rush? Check comments on Engadget and Gizmodo and AVS Forums, though, and you get all the fanboys intemperately calling each other names and declaring the righteousness of their particular truth.

And that, sadly, is the way everything gets discussed these days, from politics to the best pizza in Birmingham. The fanboys are taking over. Comic Book Guy is the arbiter of reality. "Well, actually..." are words to live by. People don't just have an opinion, they're more rabid than an Eagles fan when they're playing the Cowboys. But we're talking rooting for a piece of electronics here, just like the Apple fanboys are a little TOO into the Mac and iPhone and anything else Steve Jobs sells them. They suspend all critical faculties. They just, well, root. It's weird.

I can't bring myself to root for a corporation. There are corporations with which I've had better experiences than others, and some I will never patronize again because I feel that I've been burned by them, but I don't root for or against them. They're not sports franchises. If you're not employed by Sony, what's the difference if Blu-Ray "wins" or "loses" or just co-exists with the competition? If you're not employed by Toshiba, what's it to you if HD-DVD gets an exclusive or not? Does it really matter?

I know that the Internet's great strength is that it's a community, an egalitarian community where even a neophyte can be on equal footing with a major studio and post video that millions will watch. That's great. But sometimes, the mob can be depressing in the way it devolves into schoolyard taunting. Blu-Ray fans, HD-DVD devotees, iPhone evangelists, if you're happy with your choice of toy, good for you. But if you're going to fight over it, I'll take a pass. Besides, my upconverting DVD player and my Treo are just fine for now. I can wait for the new toys.


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August 23, 2007

THIS WEEK'S "THE LETTER": ALWAYS GOTTA BRING YOUR A-GAME

Here's this week's hurriedly-dashed-off All Access newsletter, written while frantically packing to get on the road:

I'm fairly convinced sometimes that a lot of radio station managers don't actually listen to their stations. I was further convinced of it when I went running early Sunday morning and heard...

Wait a minute. Early Sunday morning? Are you kidding? Who listens to radio at that hour? NOBODY listens to radio at that hour! Right?

Well, most people don't, perhaps, but SOMEBODY does. I was. And every single one of those people is someone you want to listen at other times during the week. So maybe you're sleeping in at 6 or 7 am on a Sunday, but that doesn't mean someone shouldn't be watching the store. I raise that issue because I heard at least one station sending out two different audio streams at the same time for a while -- I don't know if they had problems at the transmitter or someone didn't completely bulk a tape (does anyone use tape anymore?) -- while others had taped shows with promos and PSAs that weren't firing at the right time and still others had that highly professional and desirable feature of your top talk radio stations everywhere, the infomercial. In the space of an hour and a half, I learned about all sorts of "dietary supplements" that were guaranteed to make me live longer and improve my, um, performance and it was all "secret" because the medical establishment doesn't want me to know about it, or something like that, and if I called right then I'd get not only a three month's supply but, absolutely free, another three months' supply through a "special radio offer." But there were other stations carrying good, live, local programming, even at that hour. Which one do you think listeners will favor? Which one will the listeners think is more professional, more entertaining, more legitimate? Which one do you think they'll come back to when the work week starts?

There is no such thing as a throwaway time slot. Your sales manager may think so, but for programming purposes, there is no throwaway time slot. If you're a programmer, you owe it to your station and yourself to fight for the best programming at all times, whether it's local and you can afford that or syndicated when you can't. Even your public affairs programming should sound good. And if you can't listen 24/7 -- if you actually have a life, or at least a desire to sleep on occasion -- someone should be monitoring what the computer's doing. Every moment of the day is a chance to convince listeners to listen to your station, to put their loyalty in your product. Don't kick that chance away. Tell yourself "aah, it doesn't matter, it's just early Sunday morning" all you want, but if you're not proud of everything your station does -- everything -- then why bother at all?

Yeah, I know, it costs money, the GM won't approve, can't do that. But, somewhere, there's management that isn't so beholden to making Wall Street analysts (who, incidentally, don't know or care what makes good radio) happy that it forgets what's needed to bring listeners in and keep them listening and loyal, who knows that doing so will make its stations stronger not just for this quarter but for years down the road. I know managers like that exist. I've met some. I've seen it in action. It's what makes me keep up hope for the future.

And then I scan my local dial on Sunday mornings and remember how rare that is.

The rest was just the usual ads without the story rundown, so I'll spare you that.


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August 24, 2007

INFORMATION UNDERLOAD

Today's lesson: it is very easy even in this Age of the Internets to go an entire day without knowing what's happening in the news, even if you have Net access and a spiffy little smartphone and radio and TV and everything.

I exaggerate. I actually cranked out material for All Access today. But other than the BREAKING NEWS!!! about some storms passing through the Tampa Bay area, I didn't really catch much of what was going on today. Something happened with Michael Vick and some murderer got sentenced, information I gleaned from the news teases preceding the BREAKING NEWS!!! weather report. But I'm hazy on the details.

That's what I'm like when I'm away from home-hazy on the details. Take the boy out of his comfort zone and you get an inattention to anything other than what time dinner will be and what tomorrow's plans might include. The news? Meh. I'll catch up later.

That's just another way to say I got nothing tonight.

And no, I didn't get to the Devil Rays game tonight. "I don't care" beat "Maybe I'll take a ride across Gandy and see the ballgame" 2-1.


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August 25, 2007

MY INFLUENCE HAS LIMITS

"The Letter" this week -- you can scroll down a couple of days to read it -- talked about my horror at hearing the dreck aired as early-weekend-morning radio and the infomercials and technical gaffes resplendent on the dial. But that was during a 6 am Sunday morning run near Los Angeles, hearing L.A. and San Diego radio. I'm in Tampa at the moment, and... it's worse here. Oh, Lord, is it worse. I ran up Bayshore this morning, and here's what was on the AM dial (forget FM in this part of Tampa, where signals overload the Walkman to such an extent that nothing but the few stations with downtown transmitters are listenable):

Infomercial about Coenzyme Q10
Infomercial about Omega 10 Fish Oil
Fishing Show
Fishing Show
Infomercial about Dietary Supplement
Religion
Religion
Golf Show
Spanish Religion
Spanish Religion
Cuban Interference

And that was it. I would have settled for a gardening show. I don't mind golf or fishing shows, but that was all I could find. Baseball scores? Michael Vick? The latest news talk? Nah. Sorry. My fault for getting up so early.

And radio wonders why people are using their iPods instead of listening to the radio.


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August 26, 2007

THOMAS THE DEPRESSING GOVERNMENT-SUBSIDIZED COMMERCIAL TRANSPORTATION VEHICLE

Our nephew likes "Thomas the Tank Engine." A lot. He has all the trains, and we got him a nifty set with tracks and a little plastic train-washing shed. The trains are all over the house, and he brings them everywhere. And the big TV in the living room is always showing "Thomas," courtesy of Satan's TV channel, PBS Sprout.

That's what he was watching when I came to the living room to watch some of the Eagles-Steelers game tonight, so I watched a little "Thomas" (YOU try to tell a two year old it's time to change the channel), and that is one frightening show, I tell you what. I don't know how it doesn't give kids nightmares, what with the trains all sporting truly frightening gray faces with disturbing expressions, strange, dour-looking villagers, and a generally depressing aura of late 1940's-early 1950's Britain, all grim post-war austerity.

Nothing says quality children's entertainment like post-war Britain. Except maybe late 1930's-early 1940's Britain, with the meat rationing and evacuating through Dunkirk. Good times.

But there's no rational explanation for what fascinates really little kids. "Thomas" may be downright weird, but it could be worse. "Barney," for one. I'd have to leave the house if that was on. I can live with the creepy gray-faced twins.


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August 27, 2007

MAYBE THEY JUST WANT PEOPLE FROM NEW JERSEY TO FEEL AT HOME

Open letter to the administration of the City of Tampa:

I have often visited your fine city and have frequently run on the promenade along Bayshore Drive and the bay, as many people do every day. I would like to point out to you that the route is lovely -- one of the finest urban running trails in the country, I would venture to say, even if it is concrete -- and inviting, except for one small problem:

The smell.

It stinks like sewage. It's like running in a porta-potty. The bay water is chunk-style.

If you really want to make your city a better destination, you might want to, oh, I don't know, clean it up so it doesn't have that fecal aura.

Or throw a few 2,000 Flushes deals in the water. But you gotta do SOMETHING about it.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Revolted in Los Angeles


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August 28, 2007

RETURNS DESK

Just got in after flying all day. Flight from Tampa to Dallas was perfect: had a row all to ourselves, fast, comfortable. Flight from Dallas to L.A. sucked: we got the very last row, in a seat next to the toilets and in a little cubby hole behind the galley, with the window looking directly at the side of an engine.

But at least we made it back, and now we're home with a cat that will not stop meowing. "Don't EVER leave me again," I think she's saying. I'm pretty sure I won't be sleeping tonight. But i'm going to try... right... about...

Now.


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August 29, 2007

CAT. NAP?

After flying all day and working late yesterday, all I wanted was to get a few hours of sleep before starting back on the 3:45 am schedule. Jet lag was in full effect, and I needed to adjust. But someone had another idea.

"Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!"

When we walked into the house yesterday, Ella the World's Most Famous Cat was hiding behind the washer and dryer. After an hour or so, she decided the coast was clear and she could come out. And then she let us have it.

"Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" She vocalized her discontent every few seconds. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" I don't speak fluent cat, but I believe this one translates as "don't you EVER leave me alone again!" We did have a cat sitter coming in every day to feed her and clean the litter and take care of her, but she hid behind the dryer and never emerged to meet the cat sitter, not once. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" She was not having any of that.

And the meowing continued after the lights went out. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" at 10 pm. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" at midnight. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" at 12:30, at 1, at 2. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" every 20 seconds. She'd stop for a few minutes if petted, then she'd start up again. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" And trying to sleep became a pointless endeavor.

So I gave up well before it was time to get up, I fed her ("Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" all the time), and I went into the office to work. She followed me. "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" Every time I turned to start typing, "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" She Just. Would. Not. Stop.

Until about two hours ago. She's been sitting atop the living room sofa while Fran lies below, napping. It's all quite charming, Fran and the cat lounging and enjoying the afternoon sea breeze. I don't at all resent their ability to nap while I still have to work. Not at all.

Unless the cat goes back to "Mrrrrrrrroooowwwww!" tonight. Then, the gloves come off. You want crab-flavored Whisker Lickins, do you, now? Then let me sleep. Let's get some cooperatioon going here, okay?


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August 30, 2007

THIS WEEK'S "THE LETTER": IT'S MAYHEM, I TELLS YA

This week's "The Letter" is self-explanatory. There was a typo in the e-mail version, fixed here (I know it's Larry Craig, not Clark -- Clark is the movie director, Craig the guy with the "wide stance"). Here, read:

I was away from home for several days, far, far away in a strange and foreign land where the mosquitoes have individual names and the cockroaches are as big as linebackers. Yes, I was in sunny, hot, humid, almost liquid Florida, where I got to listen to radio stations not only from the greater Tampa-St. Petersburg-Clearwater-Dunedin-Pinellas Park-Temple Terrace-Brandon-Lutz market but from several surrounding markets like Sarasota, Lakeland, Orlando, and Havana. I did a lot of radio listening, especially on my long morning run along Bayshore where scanning the dial took my mind off of the heat, the humidity, and the smell (memo to Tampa officials: the bay water is not supposed to be chunk-style). And I heard some things that pushed my blood pressure up a little, because as a former radio programmer, I can't stop being a PD. I want to fix things, but since nobody will let me anywhere NEAR a radio station anymore, I gotta bring this stuff up here. So, these are a few thing s I heard, and why I shouldn't be hearing them:

"We've got a great show for you today."

I'll be the judge of that, Chuckles. Are you Ed Sullivan? No. So don't tell me it's a really big show, especially if all it is involves traffic and weather reports and a few kicker stories. "Honey, you shoulda heard the WWWWWWW morning show today! They had a report about a defective traffic light at West Shore and Gandy, and you'll never guess the relative humidity!" Promise nothing. Just deliver.

"It's 19 minutes in front of the hour."

Okay, but what time is it? Do you HAVE to talk like that? I don't know what "in front of" is supposed to mean. Is that before or after? And what hour are we talking about? If I'm getting ready for work in the morning, I'm not looking to calculate anything. Gotta get on the road by 6:40 -- so, am I late or not? Lose the jargon.

"It's 'Mayhem in the AM!'"

Okay, when I hear that, I expect mayhem. Real mayhem. Preferably one host bludgeoning the other with a baseball bat. (For some shows, that should be a daily feature. And if listeners get to join in, I'm sold) The "Mayhem in the AM" I heard was a perfectly good show -- it was on an AM news-talk station and they do a solid job of that with good energy and personality and plenty of local information -- but there wasn't any mayhem. "Mayhem" connotes out-of-control, outrageous, crazed. And in fairness, I only listened on one morning, so perhaps I missed the episode where someone brought a tactical nuclear warhead into the studio. But again, what you promise, you gotta deliver. You say "Mayhem," I want mayhem. Don't disappoint me. Or come up with a more appropriate name. (I'll give you "Talk Topics," cheap)

There were other good shows, too, of course, shows that tackled local issues with gusto and several shows that dissected, sliced, diced, chopped, cut and peeled the Buccaneers as cut day loomed. Some shows handled the Michael Vick story well, even after there wasn't much more to add to it, and everyone had something to say about Sen. Larry Craig. I could have used more local material, though -- I wanted to get the pulse of Tampa and St, Petersburg, and other than football, I felt I was getting more national talk. Still, the perfectionist in me wants talk radio to be perfect across the dial. Zero tolerance -- I want every show to do everything right, all the time, from the biggest syndicated extravaganzas to the smallest market "Tradio" show. I want to look at the ratings and see talk radio dominate. When I'm King of Radio... um... but I'm not, so I'll just keep listening and sniping and lecturing. And dreaming. It's what I do best.

What you do best is your radio show, of course, and -- yes, we've just left the "good" part and slipped right into the plug -- the one-stop source for material to make your show the best it can be is, naturally, All Access News-Talk-Sports' Talk Topics column (motto: "Looking For A Better Name Since 1999"). All you need to do is go there every day and presto, you've got a ton of great topics and conversation starters and needlessly self-indulgent commentary, all ready to fulfill your minimum daily topic requirements. So far this week, you'll items about find the role of "The Shocker" in high school athletics, an epic sports prank, how the Net has made making travel arrangement both easier and harder, a portrait of Ray Charles made of Post-Its, parents who shouldn't be allowed anywhere NEAR their kids, a profile of a contest pig, the legal troubles of El DeBarge (El DeBarge?!?), a couple who went through way too much trouble for a case of Natty Light, the possibility of the iCar, how to fix your phone after you drop it in the toilet (assuming you'd WANT to fix it), another school's ban on tag, why I get annoyed at hotel alarm clocks, Mark Cuban and Wayne Newton dancing, how wearing a Texas shirt on an Oklahoma bar could be hazardous to your most sensitive of areas, the spread of the everybody-strip-or-I'll-bomb-your-store phone hoax, John Edwards' problem with SUVs, the end of the last of the "at the tone, the time will be..." phone numbers, the fight over who owns the name "Steak Bomb," and plenty about U.S. Senators who use "wide stances" in Minneapolis-St. Paul airport restrooms, plus all the other stuff you've come to expect from All Access, including the best/fastest/first industry coverage in Net News, ratings, job listings, Mediabase charts, message boards, and much more, all free.

And now, if my cat will stop meowing all night, I'm gonna go try to catch up on the sleep I lost in all that travel. I suggest you do the same. Good thing it's a holiday weekend.


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August 31, 2007

OH, THANK HEAVEN

It has arrived.

It is here.

It is good.

It?

Our very own, brand-new, open-for-business-this-afternoon... 7-Eleven.

Yes, we've had 7-Elevens in the general area, but this one's right there at the corner of Hawthorne and PV Drive, a mere few minute's drive away, a long walk, next door to the Starbucks and Subway with the multi-million dollar view. It has gas pumps. It has a nice big Slurpee machine. It has a great view of the Pacific Ocean -- and sunset -- from the cash register and from the gas pump islands. The bathrooms work. It's spotless and new, so new that it isn't even listed on the 7-Eleven Web site or anywhere else, so new that it wasn't yet open this morning but by lunchtime, the balloons were tied to the sign, the gas prices were posted, and the parking lot was filled.

It's beautiful.

Of course, it should get that thin coating of 7-Eleven grease within days, and the place should become disheveled and gross in short order, but right now, it's clean and new and fully stocked. The baked goods are fresh, the sodas are all in stock, the newspapers -- all they have is the L.A. Times for now -- are neatly stacked, the lottery machine is clean and new and spitting out Mega Millions tickets. There is nothing so beautiful as a brand-new, shiny 7-Eleven. Nothing.

Except for a Wawa. Wawas rule. But we don't have Wawa, so this will have to do.


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About August 2007

This page contains all entries posted to PMSimon.com in August 2007. They are listed from oldest to newest.

July 2007 is the previous archive.

September 2007 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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