This week's All Access newsletter lets me get my frustration out of my system and attempts, in a most awkward manner, to relate it to doing a radio show:
We'll get to the radio part in a minute, but first, I have to vent.
Thursday morning, my Internet service began to act up at about 4 am. I'd go to a page and it wouldn't come up, or it'd come up only after several minutes. Other pages would come up fine. But then my All Access e-mail account stopped working, and that meant trouble. I did some diagnostics, dutifully rebooted everything, checked to see if I could access stuff through my cell phone (I could), and finally determined that the problem wasn't on my end, so I picked up the phone and called my cable system's tech support.
You know where this is going.
There is no such thing as good cable customer service, at least not to my knowledge. My cable system, which provides me with its "Premium" broadband package, will not let you get to a tech support person without putting up with interminable automated messages that insist that you reboot things over and over before you can speak to anyone. I had already gone through this before, so I knew that no matter what I did with the rebooting, it would still, after about a half hour, send me to a Bad Tech Support Person who would ask me to reboot again. It's the first page of the script. If you called them and said that your computer was on fire, they'd tell you to reboot. So I decided to just repeatedly hit "0" and see if the system would just send me to an agent to get rid of me. It worked. Unfortunately, I got Bad Tech Support Person Number One. Here's roughly how it went:
Me: "Hi, I'm having trouble with my Internet service."
Bad Tech Support Person Number One: "You can't access the Internet. You need to reboot your..."
Me: "No, I CAN access the Internet. Just not every page. There's a problem with your..."
BTSP#1: "Sir, you SAID you can't access the Internet. Reboot..."
Me: "No, I said I'm having TROUBLE with it. I CAN access the Internet, but ... look, don't you want to know what the problem is before you tell me what to do?"
BTSP#1: "SIR. You CAN'T ACCESS THE INTERNET. You SAID so. Reboot the computer." She was yelling by now.
Me: "Can I speak to a Level 2 Tech?"
BTSP#1: "NO. REBOOT THE..."
Me: "Can I speak to your supervisor?"
BTSP#1: "NO."
Me: "Can I speak to another... ah, whatever. I'll reboot."
And I did. I rebooted the cable modem, too, and the router, and the computer, and the radio, and the cat, and her expert diagnosis was... she didn't know, so she gave me the number of the people in the Home Networking department and hung up on me. I called the new number, and I'll spare you the conversation, other than to say that while Bad Tech Support Person Number 2 was nicer, I kept saying "you have a DNS problem on your end" and he kept saying "it's not a DNS problem and it's not on our end, but we don't know what it is." After about twenty minutes of that, he made an appointment for someone to come out Saturday and suggested I call their for-pay service, which actually doesn't offer tech support at all but instead charges unreasonable fees to install DVD players and Xbox 360s, for additional help. I hung up, waited a half hour, and called the first number back, and, this time, Bad Tech Support Person Number 3 finally admitted that it WAS a DNS problem on their end and they WERE getting calls from other customers and it MAY have been something jostled loose in the earthquake and they WERE tracking it.
"Tracking" it? Yes, they weren't actually FIXING it, they were just logging calls and "narrowing down the problem." Fine. Time to surrender. I hung up, went for a run, and when I got back, the problem was mostly fixed, save for the occasional hiccup. But I still lost several hours wasted with tech support that wouldn't accept any explanation that wasn't in their script book. And I was angry.
So, for the rest of the day, I ranted. If you asked me how things were going, I'd give you an earful of how my cable system is evil, how they're a bunch of morons who can't do anything right and how they wrecked my morning and wouldn't listen and much more, only more colorfully expressed. I complained, bitterly, to everyone within earshot and everyone who called.
Why am I telling you this? (Here's where I try to bring it back to talk radio. Let's see if I can pull this off)
Sometimes, back when I was actually doing talk radio instead of talking about talk radio, a host would come in before his or her show with a red face and a bad mood. This would be followed by a long tirade about something that happened that had nothing to do with anything in the newspaper, nothing to do with politics or local issues. It was just something that happened in real life: a traffic incident, a speeding ticket, a run-in with a bad customer service rep, trouble at the bank, an argument with the kids' teacher, driving into a deer... that kind of thing. (The deer thing actually happened, although the host in question -- hello, John! -- handled the incident far better than I would have) And I would always say the same thing when they finally came to the conclusion of their rant: Talk about THAT on the air today. Put THAT on the air.
This is anathema to some folks in talk radio, who believe that you have to consistently throw your P1s red meat, the core political topics that tend to define talk radio. Yes, some people actually use terms like "P1s" and "red meat" (and "anathema"). In English, that means talking about nothing but the big stories, the overriding political issues that everybody else is talking about. And, sure, you gotta give the people what they want. But what they want isn't really defined by the topics so much as it's defined by you, and something you have to bring to whatever you talk about on the air, namely passion. You gotta care. If you're just talking about a political topic because it's your duty, you'll sound like a hostage. It has to matter to you.
That's why I'd tell hosts to talk about their personal, real-life annoyances on the air. Politics can wait, but if you have steam coming out of your ears, that's going to make for compelling radio. Don't worry that it's all about you. Everybody out there can relate.
(Just don't get on the air and complain about how the Maserati dealer left a smudge on your windshield, or how the headmaster at Junior's academy is always asking for another $100,000 donation when you just gave one last month. There is such a thing as TOO high-class of a problem)
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Strangely enough, despite the connection troubles, I was able to get plenty of show prep material posted (with help from All Access' own Matt Shapo) at Talk Topics, the unimaginatively titled show prep column at All Access News-Talk-Sports. Perhgaps you'll find some passion when you see topics like the guy who dealt with someone mowing the lawn too early by bringing out his shotgun, the New York Times' insistence that guys will be going to work in jacket, tie, and above-the-knee shorts, Manny being Manny in L.A., sneaky real estate tricks, more newspaper industry angst, the JFK baggage-handling meltdown, why the Governor of Washington wasn't allowed in a bar, the exercise pill, the earthquake, the disappearance and resurrection of Scrabulous, the joys of store brands, Oversized Mansion Syndrome, how the earthquake may have saved the world from more lawyers, another reason not to ride the bus, freak accidents galore, the guy thrown out of an Atlantic City casino for smelling bad (no New Jersey jokes, please), and plenty of stuff about the campaigns and the environment and fast food bans and trans fat bans and Jerry Lewis. Once you're done with that, read "10 Questions With..." KTRH/Houston Assistant News Director Will Sterrett and the rest of All Access with the industry's best/fastest/most reliable news coverage and all sorts of other great and useful content, delivered fresh all day, all week, and all free.
Oh, right, the earthquake... we're fine, thank you for asking. It's always fun when your house turns into a theme park ride. Man, what a week: the quake, Internet troubles, mergers, buyouts, Manny Ramirez... can't wait to see what happens next.







