PMSimon.com

The Grammys were never all that interesting to me. I never liked the kind of bland mainstream pop that the awards were designed to celebrate, so there was never anything there for me. They're on right now; I'm not watching. (OK, I DID watch a few seconds of it- Outkast won best rap album or something, and I turned it off)

This year's awards are interesting to the public mostly for the will-anyone-do-anything-outrageous possibilities, although the Grammys never, ever have anything like that- the MTV awards shows are the ones for which the stars save their calculated outrageousness. No, the Grammys are all about blandness. Nothing dangerous at all. Never is.

The Grammys also reinforce something I'm not sure I need to remember- I just don't know too many of the top 40 songs these days. I don't think it's my fault, either. Back in the 60's and 70's, kids, there was something called Top 40 radio, and when they said Top 40 they MEANT Top 40, all of it. They played the Beatles and Dean Martin and Cream and James Brown and Sinatra and the Stones and Glen Campbell and whoever else was on the charts, back-to-back-to-back. They did this because FM was all beautiful music and classical and it was only in the late 60's that someone- Tom Donahue, by most accounts- decided to play rock 'n' roll and even album cuts on FM, but otherwise you had only top 40 to play pretty much every kind of music. And you'd listen to WABC or WFIL or KHJ- you would, because EVERYBODY, including your parents, your friends, everybody did- and you'd hear all of it. When FM took over and you suddenly could hear your favorite type of music without those songs you didn't like, you went there and never looked back.

So move it forward to today, where the top 40, judging by the charts, is made up of mostly hip-hop and teen pop. Nothing there for a suburban adult who doesn't want to hear about the thug life in Compton because he lives too damn close to the real thing and knows it isn't the stuff of entertainment. Nothing there for an adult male when a huge portion of the music's aimed at a tween female. Nothing there for someone who heard today's rock the first time around, 25 or 30 years ago, the same, for example, Led Zeppelin records Jack and Meg White undoubtedly heard and thought, hey, we can do that, too.

Which explains why I'm not bothering with the Grammys tonight.

Besides, nobody I'd WANT to see naked is likely to take her top off, so what's the point?

 Share

Las Vegas is becoming a mecca for several types of tourism. You know about the gamblers and the families, the golfers and the tennis players, the people committing suicide...

That's right. People are going to Vegas to off themselves. That's not just the people who go there, gamble, lose everything, and get to the end of their rope. It's about people who pack a bag, hop a Southwest cheapie, grab a cab from McCarran to the Strip, book a suite, go up to the room, and end it all.

If you gotta go, go in style, I guess, and if I ran one of the second-rank Strip resorts- you know who you are- I'd take advantage of this. Suicide packages. Three days, two nights, a suite with room service and a stripper's pole, give the guy the best time of his life for a couple of days and offer free body disposal at the end. (Payment in advance, please) Do a tie in with "CSI": your family could get a police report autographed by William L. Petersen or Marg Helgenberger, or a crime scene photo with Jorja Fox taking samples from YOUR body.

But I'm not trying to make light of the situation (not TRYING), because while I'm no suicide advocate- there's often a selfish tone to the act, and an impatience, and, ultimately, a lack of necessity to many suicides- in cases where someone really SHOULD have the right to end it, where someone is suffering extreme pain with no relief possible and looking at a future of hopelessness, it's sad that they can get no help (it's illegal except in Oregon, where it may or may not be legal), it's sad that they have to suffer, it's sad that if they DO decide to go anyway, they have to do it in silence and shame and solitude. And for those people, I hope that, someday, society understands, and grants them the ability to have one last happy moment, one last blast of the frivolous and the fun, one last party before it's over.

One last weekend in Vegas. What a way to go.

 Share

The main sewer line that runs from our main bathroom- the only one with a bath or shower- got blocked up this morning. I have no idea how, but it's blocked, meaning that when you flush the toilet, it comes up in the shower and bath.

So I called the home warranty people, and they sent a plumber, and the plumber took one look and decided he couldn't clean it out and that someone would have to come and go up on the roof and clean it out through the vent. (He barely looked into the crawlspace under the house- I have no idea if there's a cleanout under there, but he wasn't going in there, and neither am I). That will allegedly happen tomorrow. In the meantime, yuck. (I may break down and go to the Y tonight, but there's something strange about taking a whole hour- 20 minutes to drive there, 20 minutes of hygiene, 20 minutes to drive back- to take a shower) Washrag cleaning isn't adequate. And I am NOT jumping into the pool (water temperature probably 33 degrees).

(The only member of the family who's unaffected is, naturally, Ella the World's Most Famous Cat, but her hygiene process involves her tongue, and even if that DID work for humans... eeewwwww)

So you might want to give us some room right now. Lucky for you I don't plan to leave the house until the shower works. I'll be here for a while.

 Share

Speaking of the previous item, how significant is it that today, for the first time since that horrible, horrible Sunday afternoon in January, I am wearing one of my Philadelphia Eagles jerseys? Naturally, the day I can't shower is the day I put on the green-silver-black-and-white.

You'd think it was a delayed, premeditated commentary on the quality of the Iggles' play against Carolina. You'd be right.

 Share

I finally got rid of those infernal slippery Michelins that I've been threatening to ditch since I got this car. I just wasn't expecting to do it TODAY.

It was a good day overall- the sewer line was fixed early, the warranty covered it, painless dental appointment, sun shining- and then, as I headed home from the dentist's office, the car started to make one of those noises you don't want to hear. I inched along PV Drive South until I got to the old Marineland entrance and pulled over, maybe a half-mile short of our house.

The left rear tire? Shredded. Sidewall blowout. My THIRD in three years, same car, same tire model.

No more Michelins.

As it turned out, it was a screw planted firmly in the tread- I'd stopped at the Ralphs, and I wondered if a union guy hadn't planted a surprise for the shoppers there (doubt it- they aren't picketing there, so there's no reason for them to complain). But I wasn't going to take any more chances on this tire. Damn things are cursed. New tire? Gimme four.

And I did that, and on the way back, I noticed that the car's ride had changed. No more slipping, no squealing while turning the corner at low speed. Bumps were smoothed out, rough roads felt calm. Shoulda done this a long time ago.

I guess it's STILL a good day.

 Share

An entire column, lost when... I don't know how it happened, actually, but I got an error message, had to go back a page, and it was gone.

Insert very bad words here.

 Share

Thank you for allowing me to testify before this august panel on the topic of broadcast indecency. I would like to start by posing a question to all of you:

Are you out of your goddamn minds?

I think it goes without saying that the Distinguished Lady from New Mexico is. She was weeping- almost blubbering- as she recounted how her 4th grade son saw Janet Jackson's breast. She was angry and accusatory as she told us how he and his little friends talked about it and agreed she'd get into trouble for it. Ma'am, excuse me, but what IS your problem? Your kid wasn't harmed. In fact, he and his friends seem to have a good handle on it. So what's the deal with the tears? I'm pretty sure impeachment proceedings ought to be instituted. I'm also pretty sure you shouldn't be allowed to operate a car.

And you, sir, in the back, yes, the one who tried to make Janet's nipple a racial issue by claiming Justin Timberlake is getting off too lightly for this. First, what the HELL does that have to do with broadcast indecency punishments? Janet and Justin are NOT licensees. And second, Janet admitted she engineered the whole thing, and it was her nipple, so of course she's going to take more of the blame, whatever her race. And third, shut up.

Listen, all of you, before you start to talk about lifting licenses and regulating even cable and everything else, you owe it to the constitution to tell us what harm will befall even a child when indecent shows are on. And while you're at it, since the fact that 200,000 people complained about Janet's Nipple is so important to you, how about telling me what percentage that is of the overall Super Bowl audience? Go ahead, I'll wait.

That's it?

And that's the percentage of your constituents to whom you're pandering. Feels good, huh? Of COURSE people who were NOT offended didn't write or call you. Why WOULD they? And since when is "I'm offended" enough to demand that the offender get fined or worse? You're offended by a nipple or a DJ's sex talk? Poor baby! Turn the channel, schmuck.

(Speaking of which, that's always the case, isn't it? The FCC is pushed to act by one loser who always says "I was driving in my car with my 15 year old son when I heard (Howard Stern, Bubba the Love Sponge, Paul Harvey) talk about (sex, sex, the history of lettuce) and I was just appalled so much that I had to listen to the whole show and tape it and take a detailed transcription just to make sure." Should policy be determined by some guy too prudish to stand sex talk who's also TOO STUPID TO TURN THE STATION EVEN THOUGH HIS PRECIOUS PROGENY IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM?)

Meanwhile, some of you geniuses are thinking of extending indecency regulations to cable. Let me help you out here- the only reason indecency regulation of radio and TV was held constitutional by the Supreme Court is that broadcasting is not only pervasive but scarce- there aren't enough outlets for anyone to gain access. Cable has way more channels and a federally mandated access requirement, so it might be tough- and unconstitutional- to try to regulate its content. Besides, who said people HAVE to take cable? You don't want your kids to watch USA or FX or HGTV? Block 'em out, or, better yet, stop subscribing. Isn't that supposed to be better for kids anyway, make 'em read?

So, that's where we are- simultaneous hearings in the Senate and Congress demanding action because some washed-up pop diva popped her throwing-star-adorned boobie out of her costume on TV. The First Amendment? What, you've never heard of it? You might want to check it out sometime.

And allow me to leave you with words I believe are ascribed to Socrates, or Plato, or some old Greek guy like that:

Go (slang term for sexual intercourse) yourselves.

Thank you.

I'll show myself out.

 Share

Short on time, so short on content today. Just a couple of random things:

1. Saw this article calling "Friends" the most overrated sitcom ever. Well, it depends on who's rating it- NBC calls it "the best sitcom ever," and that's obviously puffery- it isn't even the best sitcom on the air right now, and it wasn't the best at any point in its history (coinciding as it did with "Seinfeld" and several others). It's... okay. But I don't think anyone other than the network flacks really think it's the "best ever." A better choice also had its finale this season, but "The Office" didn't even make it to the top 10 of the BBC's list of greatest sitcoms- there's a miscarriage of justice.

2. Speaking of critics and comedies, mea culpa, mea MAXIMA culpa to Larry David. I finally, completely get it. I've been watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm," a show everyone was calling brilliant, and, as I wrote here before, it just didn't do anything for me. Then, suddenly, it did. One "yeah, that was pretty funny" episode, then another, then the lightbulb went on. And I've gone ahead, grabbed the first season DVD to catch up, and, yeah, it's funny. I'll even forgive Larry and Jeff Garlin for being such Hollywood liberals. Damn show is funny.

3. I was in a couple of sporting goods stores today, and here in L.A. they're full of NBA All-Star gear (the game's at Staples this year). And they had kid-sized Kobe jerseys, and I wonder who would put their kid in a Kobe jersey right now. Can't they at least wait for the trial to play out? Hey, kids, get your official Scott Peterson t-shirts and Robert Blake studded cockatiels right here.

Enough. Gotta go.

 Share

Gotta travel this weekend, and I'm trying to travel light. I just started packing and the goal is to have one carry-on and my computer bag, and that's it. It shouldn't be difficult- I'm traveling from warm climate to warm(er) climate, it's a very short trip, and... none of that matters, because it's virtually impossible to travel light.

One pair of jeans and one pair of shorts will do. My white hi-top Chucks will do, too. On the other side: running shoes, shorts, and shirts, plus cap and glasses, all volume-occupiers. I know the trick of stuffing the shoes with socks- I do that, but that leaves all your socks with used-running-shoe aroma, not the best thing. Toiletries, underwear- no, I will not hang free- and other stuff, and that's one overstuffed carry-on.

But I will get it to fit if I have to drive my car over it to smush it all flat. I will not check a bag on this flight. I will wake up, stand up, pop the overhead, grab my carry-on, grab the computer, and waddle right off the plane, down the terminal, and right into the rental car van. I will be on the road in minutes. I will do it. There is no doubt.

All of this is irrational, of course. I'm on a small-ish airline, it's a one-way, non-stop flight, they won't lose any bags, and I would get the bag in a few minutes. I'm in no rush- I'll arrive very early in the morning. I could easily take a second bag and not worry about the packing. But I will not take the easy way out. It's a challenge. One bag. I will take one bag. Pride is at stake.

So, which essential item will be the first one I forget to bring?

 Share

On the road shortly, so no time for much. In the meantine, this is what it looked like in Hermosa Beach at lunch today:

Fran and I had Valentine's lunch at the same place where we decided that, yes, we'll move to California, and it was the same today as then- sun shining, people playing volleyball and rollerblading and walking and running, kids and dogs and waves and warmth. Wonderful day, just wonderful.

And happy Valentine's Day to y'all. Especially Fran. And Ella.

 Share