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New stuff at All Access Talk Topics. Took all I had today. Go check that now while I pass out.

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I'm so tired of all of this.

MoveOn.org and the other Democratic 527s crank out the anti-Bush stuff and Kerry says nothing. Finally, an anti-Kerry 527 ad shows up- the Swifties- and Kerry demands it be stopped. Bush then condemns all 527s and demands Kerry do the same.

It's all bull, of course. The 527s, a creation of "campaign finance reform," are doing exactly what they're supposed to do, exactly what the parties WANT them to do. Dirty campaigns? They're ALL dirty, if "dirty" means ripping your opponent's record. You know what? If Bush objects to the MoveOn ads or Kerry objects to the Swifties, attack the substance, not the messengers or the medium. Kerry still hasn't been able to directly counter the Swifties on much of the substance despite the sudden emergence of support from- surprise!- a Chicago Tribune editor, and he STILL can't explain his Holiday in Cambodia. Bush hasn't said word one about the substance of any of the attacks from the 527s. Maybe they're right- people don't really follow what's going on closely enough, nor do they care as much as the political junkies and bloggers do- but it just wears me out.

It's August. We should all be on vacation. Shut up, all o' yez, shut up already.

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"Nobody walks in L.A."

All it took was for that helium-addled yelper in Missing Persons to hiccup that line, and everyone thinks that, well, nobody walks in L.A. Of course, they're right. Nobody does. But I like walking- maybe it's the leftover East Coaster in me, but I think you miss a lot at 45 mph. So when my car was going to take an hour at the dealer for some minor work, I decided to go take a walk to buy some paper at Staples and to admire the semi-industrial scenery along Pacific Coast Highway in Torrance. Where else will you get to admire at close range the marvel of 1970s architecture that is this:

I particularly like the logo, which is the last unchanged vestige of that era:

Check that font. Groovy.

A block away, here's the side of the Ramada Inn you don't see, a long concrete drainage ditch. I wonder how far up it goes.

And next door, like the prince to the Ramada pauper, this:

But the piece de resistance is this gem, found on the Newton St. sidewalk behind the El Pollo Loco. Someone took the time to get down on hands and knees and proclaim this in two colors of magic marker:

And who doesn't?

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In the middle of downloading and installing... drum roll, please... Windows Service Pack 2.

If I'm not back tomorrow, you know it didn't go well.

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Yes, SP2 works.

And it's not bad- no software incompatabilities so far (at least, none I've encountered). But it's nagware of the highest order- you have to tell it to stop bothering you about anti-virus protection (I have it, I have it, stop asking already!) and it feels the need to remind you it's blocking pop-ups. It also manages to strip the pictures out of any HTML mail you get in Outlook- you have to click a message bar to see them- but that's not necessarily a bad thing, and once you click the bar, the pictures load more or less instantly.

The point is, I survived the upgrade. The computer works, for now, at least. And having said that, I fully expect it to crash any minu

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You decide to become a writer.

So you get yourself an education, then you go and live your life, and if you're good enough, then maybe you can put together a book that's pretty good. But publishers won't even open the envelope unless it's from an agent they know, so you send your stuff to agents, network like mad, and even then, you have to get very, very lucky before a publisher even SEES the thing, let alone agrees to publish it. And you get a small advance, the book shows up on Amazon and, again, if you're lucky, in your local Borders or Books-a-Million. You might even get invited to read from it at a local book club or store.

And then it goes away, disappears, or hits the remainder table ("BOOK BARGAINS!"). You keep a box stashed in the garage, in case you happen to run into Steven Spielberg and he says sure, I'd love to see the book you wrote, send me a copy at this private secret address. But then you're back at square one, and you stare at the blank screen in Microsoft Word and wonder why you ever thought you could do this for a living.

Or you administer blow jobs and have sex on camera, have someone write a book with your name on it, and, presto, you have a best-seller.

This is why Ernest Hemingway really blew his brains out. He saw this coming.

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Beloit College (team nickname: "Who?") issued its annual list of Things About College Freshmen This Year That Are Intended To Make You Feel Prematurely Old. The idea is to help you, the old-timer- actually, the school's professors, but they tell you, too- identify better with the mindset of the 18 year old. Of course, it never works that way, for reasons I'll get to after the list. But since this is a big thing for a lot of radio shows, I thought I'd help y'all out with the list and commentary. Here you go:

Most students entering college this fall were born in 1986.

OK....

Desi Arnez, Orson Welles, Roy Orbison, Ted Bundy, Ayatollah Khomeini and Cary Grant have always been dead.

I don't know who Desi Arnez was, but Desi ARNAZ, well, yeah. The only surprises here are Roy Orbison- geez, I saw him live at Great Adventure!- and Ted Bundy, because those just don't seem all that long ago.

"Heeeere’s Johnny!" is a scary greeting from Jack Nicholson, not a warm welcome from Ed McMahon.

Wait a minute, Carson ended in 1992. I remember plenty from before I was 6. I'd remember "Here's Johnny."

The Energizer bunny has always been going, and going and going.

How this would give anyone an insight to anything, well, you got me.

Large fine-print ads for prescription drugs have always appeared in magazines.

Like anybody actually READS those ads. Frankly, I don't even recall seeing any prescription drug ads lately. Maybe it's the magazines I read. But I doubt 18 year olds tend to thumb through "Modern Maturity."

Photographs have always been processed in an hour or less.

Big deal- the fact that photos need processing at all will be history soon enough.

They never got a chance to drink 7-Up Gold, Crystal Pepsi, or Apple Slice.

Nobody did. (Actually, I remember tasting Crystal Pepsi. It sucked.)

Baby Jessica could be a classmate.

You know, I never remember who Baby Jessica was. Was she one of those fell-in-the-well deals? I can't remember and I don't care enough to Google her.

Parents may have been reading The Bourne Supremacy or It as they rocked them in their cradles.

Never read 'em, don't remember when they came out. Again, big deal.

Alan Greenspan has always been setting the nation's financial direction.

He hasn't? Besides, I admit I can't remember who his equivalent was when I was a kid. Kids don't pay attention to that stuff.

The United States has always been a Prozac nation.

Valium, Prozac, Paxil, Miltown, same difference.

They have always enjoyed the comfort of pleather.

So did we- isn't that just patent leather?

Harry has always known Sally.

Why would anyone born in 1986 have any remote inkling of who Harry and Sally were? Maybe they can remake it with Nick and Jessica.

They never saw Roseanne Roseannadanna live on Saturday Night Live.

And it seems like a long time ago for everyone else, too. But does it really matter? They've seen the reruns ad infinitum. I didn't see "I Love Lucy" in the original run, but that doesn't mean it wasn't part of my generation's shared experience.

There has always been a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

No, there hasn't. 1995. They were 9 when it opened.

They never ate a McSub at McDonald's.

Who did? I don't even remember it being on the menu.

There has always been a comedy channel.

Yeah, and MTV and HBO, too. But it's only us geezers who remember pre-cable, when UHF was your exotic specialty dial.

Bill and Ted have always been on an excellent adventure.

Like someone who's 18 even saw those movies. The fact that "Caddyshack" was made before they were born, well, that's different.

They were never tempted by smokeless cigarettes.

NOBODY was. Ever.

Robert Downey, Jr. has always been in trouble.

He was in trouble in the womb. No surprise.

Martha Stewart has always been cooking up something with someone.

To 18 year olds, like everyone else, Martha Stewart is a character on "Saturday Night Live" who's going to prison.

They have always been comfortable with gay characters on television.

So have I and most other people of any age. The discomfort, besides the intolerant, was with networks and advertisers.

Mike Tyson has always been a contender.

He's a contender now? See, I thought he was washed up years ago.

The government has always been proposing we go to Mars, and it has always been deemed too expensive.

They were talking about Mars exploration before that, weren't they? They weren't talking about going to the moon and stopping.

There have never been any Playboy Clubs.

I can't remember when, other than on "Playboy After Dark," there WERE any. You'd have to have been born in the 40's or early 50's for this one to make a difference.

There have always been night games at Wrigley Field.

There's one. Absolutely. What it says about the youth of today, I have no idea, but the fact is indisputable.

Rogaine has always been available for the follicularly challenged.

Uh, OK. I'm sure a lot of 18 year olds are deeply into the Rogaine.

They never saw USA Today or the Christian Science Monitor as a TV news program.

Who did?

Computers have always suffered from viruses.

Yeah? When was the first time you were aware of computer viruses? Since the Net didn't really become a household thing until the mid- to-late 90's, I'd say they remember a time when it wasn't an issue.

We have always been mapping the human genome.

What?

Politicians have always used rock music for theme songs.

What's Bush's rockin' theme? How aout Bob Dole? Oh, right, he used "Blitzkrieg Bop." Or "Beat on the Brat." I forget which.

Network television has always struggled to keep up with cable.

I don't think 18 year olds are even aware of the difference. TV's TV.

O'Hare has always been the most delay-plagued airport in the U.S.

It was always up there. I can't remember a time when "O'Hare" didn't mean "flight delayed" or "missed connection."

Ivan Boesky has never sold stock.

Who?

Toll-free 800 phone numbers have always spelled out catchy phrases.

Uh, OK. They can have it. I'll always have GReenwood 7-5312.

Bethlehem has never been a place of peace at Christmas.

When WAS it?

Episcopal women bishops have always threatened the foundation of the Anglican Church.

What?

Svelte Oprah has always dominated afternoon television; who was Phil Donahue anyway?

Svelte Oprah? Maybe FAT Oprah, alternating with thin Oprah. And Donahue's been on and off since then.

They never flew on People Express.

Big deal. I never flew on Braniff. I still haven't flown on Alaska or Frontier.

AZT has always been used to treat AIDS.

How many 18 year olds know what AZT is? How many adults?

The international community has always been installing or removing the leader of Haiti.

Huh? Where?

Oliver North has always been a talk show host and news commentator.

I think that anyone with any idea who he is knows he was a military guy who was involved in controversy of some sort, actually. He's not just like Sean Hannity.

They have suffered through airport security systems since they were in strollers.

I can't remember ever flying without going through a metal detector, actually.

They have done most of their search for the right college online.

We used books. This is earthshaking for what reason?

Aspirin has always been used to reduce the risk of a heart attack.

I'm sure this is top of mind for 18 year olds.

They were spared the TV ads for Zamfir and his panpipes.

OK, you won't get far with the kids if you make Zamfir references.

Castro has always been an aging politician in a suit.

His age wasn't ever an issue. He kinda looks the same to me, just grayer and wrinklier.

There have always been non-stop flights around the world without refueling.

So?

Cher hasn't aged a day.

Yes, she has. Quite a bit. But if that's the gag, she kinda looked the same in 1963. Besides, 18 year olds aren't her audience. Cher who? Oh, the weird old lady they keep talking about on "Will and Grace."

M.A.S.H. was a game: Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House.

I have no idea what this means.

So that's the list. Notice, though, that it gives you little information about what the kids know, just stuff they don't know or with which they have limited experience or knowledge. Hip-hop has always been mainstream pop music and culture to them, yet the list doesn't deal with that. Extreme sports? Piercing? Cell phones? Part of their lives, absent from the list. I guess the college doesn't think the professors need to know this, they just need to know what NOT to say.

OK, don't say "23 Skidoo" or "gear," "fab," or "boss." But maybe the school should hand the professors hip-hop-filled iPods and make them watch reality shows. Knowing the schism in the C of E or that the kids don't know who Zamfir is useless.

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