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Here's the update:

The game is miserably boring.

The chili is simmering. It's the beef/beer/beans combination that I used to make with my mom many years ago. It's gooooood.

The beer was cold. Had some Red Hook ESB in honor of Seattle. They didn't have any IC in the stores here for the Pittsburgh angle, and Rolling Rock just sucks.

The commercials have sucked, too. The Jay Mohr Diet Pepsi commercials have been the worst- not just bad, not just unfunny, but actively repellent. What were they thinking? Were they thinking at all?

ABC seems to be desperate for everyone to watch "Sons and Daughters," which, frankly, looks dire- didn't laugh once, seems like a lame stab at an unscripted "Curb"-style uncomfortable-situation comedy. They're pushing "The Evidence"- seems gimmicky, and it stars the Guy From The Soda Commercials, so it's not promising- and the "Grey's Anatomy" post-game episode, which means little to me. Oh, and it appears that the Stones' appearance is really, really important to the NFL and ABC. They may be the only people excited over this, with the exception of the people they hired to act like they're excited around the stage at halftime (it's all phony, of course; who they think they're fooling is unclear).

OK, now we have the very worst commercial yet: Chris Berman with "highlights" from "The Shaggy Dog," Tim Allen remake. I don't think I need to explain this.

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Halftime show involved some fossils and a bunch of phony "fans" on the field. I enjoyed Mick's new gambit of dropping every fourth word in the lyrics as a voice-saving device. Apparently, tuning one's guitar is optional for the Stones these days, too.

FInally, some fun, with Parker's touchdown and Herndon's interception polished off by a comical block of Roethlisberger that sent the bearded guy tumbling. Plus, I laughed at the Sprint "theft deterrent" commercial. Stevens just caught one for a touchdown; this game might be watchable yet.

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Eh.

If I were a Steelers fan, I'd be excited. I'm not, so the brief excitement in the third quarter wasn't enough to break the overall tedium. Maybe the only interesting thing at the end was how Hasselbeck disintergated in the closing minute of each half, running inscrutable plays that wasted any chance they had to score.

But it's over. Good. On to the rest of basketball season.

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I was only able to find one mention of the Peter Paul "Peanut Butter With No Jelly" bar on the Net, on this list of no-longer-available snack foods. No Jelly was one of those bars that came out with heavy advertising (like the above, from the 1973 Atlanta Braves game program) but nobody ever actually ate. I like peanut butter, don't care for jelly, and would be interested in such a product, but never tried it, maybe because the negative name turned me off. You do't want to advertise a product by stressing what it isn't unless the stuff that's missing is bad for you (a "No Poison" bar might be worth a shot).

While I was looking for more about the No Jelly bar- OK, no jelly, and it had peanut butter, but what else was in there?- I perused the list of bygones and noted the following:

"Abba-Zaba" does too exist, but it's spelled "Abba-Zabba," and you see it on every candy stand in California.

I liked Adams Sour Apple gum, but it's the kind of thing that tastes way better to a 10 year old kid than to an adult.

I would never think of eating anything called "Dumplets."

Aspen soda- apple flavored- was revolting.

I would never think of putting anything called "Big Wad" into my mouth, ever.

"Blammo" bubble gum sounds dangerous.

Bonomo Turkish Taffy tasted about as unnatural as anything you could eat, yet I liked it. You'd take the bar and SLAM it on the counter, breaking it into little pieces. And that didn't help- it would still rip your fillings and baby teeth right out.

I used to see Broadcast chili in the stores. What broadcasting and chili had to do with each other was never clear. I just knew I didn't want to eat it.

Why would anyone want to know if they still make Bush's Sauerkraut Juice?

I think Dynamints hit the wall when word was passed around that they would give you diarrhea. That's not a feature, that's a bug.

They may still make Gatorade Gum, but it was the worst, because it lost its flavor instantaneously. You got one hit of citrus, followed by the sensation of chewing an inner tube.

You can still get an Aero Bar, only imported. And they're still good- chocolate blasted full of air. Can't go wrong with that. But the list is wrong- they still make Hershey's Krackel Bars, basically a Crunch bar made by Hershey.

No, I wouldn't try anything called "Horehound Lumps." But about 30 years ago, my sister insisted on trying horehound-flavored hard candy she found at a drug store somewhere in upper Bucks County. The experiment did not end well.

Marathon Bars ruled. But there's a decent replacement, the Cadbury Curly-Wurly bar. It's import-only, but Beverages and More has it. (FOr the uninitiated, it's caramel in a braided bar covered with chocolate. Mmmmmm.)

Milkshake Candy Bars were among my favorites- like a Three Musketeers bar, only better. Bring it back, please.

The still make Mr. Pibb. Why, I don't know. I wasn't aware of a need for a Dr. Pepper clone.

RC Premium Draft Cola was really, really good- maybe the best cola in a bottle ever. That wasn't enough to save it. Good stuff, though.

Finally, Whip 'n Chill was an interesting thing. You shook it up and chilled it, and what resulted was a mix of Cool Whip-like topping and gelatin that resembled blood-flecked vomit. Wonder why they don't make it anymore.

OK, enough of that- it's almost time for dinner. Perhaps some Horehound Lumps, with an ice cold mug of sauerkraut juice. Deeeee-licious.

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More timewasting ahoy! Here are a few scans from the Cincinnati Reds' 1969 yearbook, the "Centennial Edition" and the last full season at Crosley Field. First, let it never be said that Johnny Bench didn't like his meats:

Okay, I'm sorry. Let's redeem ourselves with this ad, which from the 2006 perspective carries a different connotation:

Hmm, so the kids call it "knotholing" nowadays, huh? Father Timmy is trying (maybe a little too hard) to get the parish to buy one of these for his weekend retreats with the altar boys.

I'm sorry again, really, I am. That was uncalled for. By way of apology, herewith, another ad that seems very different from the perspective gained by the intervening decades:

That Schott sold Opels really shouldn't have been a surprise, actually.

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The winds have been blowing from the desert in this direction, and that means it's like a sauna here- a dry heat with the lingering scent of wood (the result of the brush fires in Orange County and Malibu blowing ash all the way here). And this has sapped every ounce of strength out of me- I made it to the post office with my gym bag in the trunk before deciding that, no, I just didn't have the energy to hit the weights today. I didn't have the energy to go to the post office or bank or Ralphs, either, but I managed. Barely. It's about 7 pm now and I'm just not functioning at my best.

It's also done a number on my attitude. All the traumas of the last few months have caught up with me and I've been moping and generally being a miserable wreck. Intellectually, I know I shouldn't be this down, but I am anyway. Blame it on the weather.

To cheer myself up, then, here's the back cover ad on the Winnipeg Jets 1974-75 media guide from the old World Hockey Association:

I knew K-Tel was headquartered in Winnipeg, but who knew K-Tel was into motels? The photos make the places seem really, deeply unappealing, like Soviet hostels. But the top one, the Viscount Gort, is still around:

So is the middle one:

The third is still there, but I can't tell if it's still a hotel.

The K-Tel Music Hut? You know you'd want to check it out- a whole store full of "the original hits by the (sometimes) original artists!" But it's not there anymore. This is:

I think I'd rather go to the K-Tel Music Hut.

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Radio continues to commit suicide. Here's a report from Promo magazine:

Pizza Hut breaks new ground today with a national radio promotion and sampling blitz.

Pizza Hut will roadblock drive-time programming in 50 markets with a simultaneous one-hour ad buy on 115 radio stations. That hour becomes "The Pizza Hut Free & Cheesy Music Hour," urging listeners to visit Pizza Hut on their drive home for a free slice of Cheesy Bites pizza.

...

Pizza Hut gets all commercial pods during the one hour airing tonight on two to five Clear Channel Katz stations in each market. A few spots will tout Cheesy Bites Pizza; programming includes Pizza Hut commentary and pizza trivia.

At the end of the hour, DJs will give listeners a phone number, 1-877-28-BITES, to call to enter the sweeps. Consumers also can enter in-store, for two weeks after the radio blitz.

So you have a medium that is presently on the ropes and credibility-challenged. People are complaining about the ad content, the lame "personalities," the stale programming. So, what do you do? You let your sales weasels BUY AN ENTIRE HOUR TO PROMOTE SOME CRAP and sell what credibility you have left down the river. Make your afternoon host sound like an idiot spouting bought-and-paid-for "Pizza hut commentary and pizza trivia." Perfect.

If I was a jock on one of these stations and my GM came to me and said I had to do the Pizza Hut hour, I might just kill myself. Or at least quit and look for another job. I hear Pizza Hut might be hiring.

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I figured it out.

I was listening to one of the more recent additions to the syndicated morning show field and I realized what the problem with the show was. And the more I listened and the more that problem became apparent, I realized that it was a matter that affects personality-intensive radio shows everywhere. It was simple, true, and would be important information to radio programmers looking to develop strong talent and programming.

What was this revelation?

Can't tell you. Won't tell you. Sorry.

And why won't I tell you? Because for the last 20 years, I've freely offered such advice and counsel to broadcasters, the operative word being "freely." And my recompense for such insight? Zero. So, yes, I could offer a great deal of insight to why some of the newest high-profile shows will work and why some won't, what can be fixed and what can't, and what to look for in new talent.

But someone's gonna have to pay me. No more free samples.

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Just watched a few minutes of the one-man luge.

Finally, a sport where the primary skill necessary for success is the ability to lay down.

Why didn't anyone tell me about this before?

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