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June 18, 2006 - June 24, 2006 Archives

June 18, 2006

DAD, REMEMBERED (AGAIN)

From the hit video "Buncha Old Guys Playin' Tennis in Boca," it's a couple of screen shots of my dad, the late, great Harold Simon:


Action!:

And in a consultative mood- he's the guy on the right:

I miss you, Dad. Happy Father's Day.


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June 19, 2006

PMSIMON.COM ONE-ACT DRAMA: "THIS ISN'T WALGREEN'S"

The scene: this afternoon, at the Trader Joe's on PCH in Torrance, queued up at the checkout stand. A woman, probably in her mid-60s, is ahead of me, her purchases all rung up, her credit card in hand. She stares at the little LCD screen.

CASHIER: You swipe the card.

WOMAN (holding card, uncertain): Swipe. I swiped. Did I swipe?

CASHIER: Try it again, ma'am.

WOMAN (violently swiping the card): Oh. (she takes the stylus and stares at the screen for a short time, then uncertainly stabs at the screen in random spots)

CASHIER: You sign. Sign it right there.

WOMAN: What? Oh.

CASHIER: Right on the screen.

WOMAN (slowly signing with her left hand): I'm signing.

CASHIER: Now click on the "OK" button.

WOMAN: What?

CASHIER: The...

WOMAN: Oh! (stabs at button) You know, at Walgreen's, they don't make you sign.

CASHIER (quizzically): Sorry?

WOMAN: At Walgreen's. They don't make you sign if the purchase is $25. or less.

CASHIER: Oh.

WOMAN: They don't make you sign. At Walgreen's.

CASHIER: Well, we do. (glances at me, smiles apologetically) I guess some places do it differently.

WOMAN: But they don't make you sign at Walgreen's.

CASHIER (clearly at end of rope): This isn't Walgreen's.

WOMAN: They don't make you sign there. (She takes cart and walks away)

The moral: They don't make you sign for credit purchases under $25. at Walgreen's, and this is very, very important to some people. And whatever checkout line I pick at Trader Joe's, I always end up waiting forever to get out of there.


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June 20, 2006

(INSERT STREAM OF PROFANITIES HERE)

I would write something today except that I just wasted two hours making it all the way to downtown LA before remembering I'd left something important at home, meaning that I had to turn around and fight rush hour traffic all the way back.

I'm not in a good mood right now.


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June 21, 2006

THIS WEEK'S "THE LETTER": PRODUCED AND ABANDONED

This week's "The Letter" newsletter for All Access subscribers addressed something that's always bothered me about the radio industry. Here 'tis:

Here's one for the producers out there.

I'm not sure why radio treats the creative process wildly differently from other, bigger media. (Okay, I DO know: money) Here's a quick comparison:

If you're a movie producer, you end up with a mansion in Bel-Air.

If you're a TV producer, you get a nice house in the Hollywood Hills with a pool and maybe a Valley view.

If you're a radio producer, Top Ramen is on sale this week at Ralphs, four for a dollar. Stock up. Remember, they do double coupons.

The radio industry in general and talk radio management in particular tend to undervalue the contribution of producers and support staff. I've worked in major market radio and medium market radio and they're both the same: you get some kids fresh out of school (or still in school) to screen calls and that's it. If you're lucky, they let you get another intern to "produce." The idea of paying a real salary and treating the position as the professional, creative job it is, well, that isn't in the budget.

Imagine if that was the way TV or movies worked. Would they tell the actors to write their own scenes every day? Or run their own cameras? That's what radio does when it tells hosts to come up with content on their own and/or run their own boards, isn't it? No matter how good the host is, he or she needs help to do this every single day. Yet you don't always get a producer.

And once you DO get the green light to hire a good producer, how are they rewarded? If you're lucky- very lucky- you reach the rarefied level of being a "character" on the show, referred to by a radio-friendly nickname (e.g., Baba Booey, Flipper, Virgin Murray, Beaver, Spaz, Mitzi, E-Rock, about a dozen Flounders, the occasional Turd, and countless other professionals who have to explain at family gatherings why they're called "that name"). You work hard, maybe you get a college degree, and the reward is that you get to fetch someone coffee and get brutalized on the air. That goes over REAL well at your school reunions. Is it any wonder that "radio producer" isn't a top career choice for graduating seniors?

I guess that what I'm getting at is that the radio business ought to look not just at the talent it puts ON the air, but also the talent it has OFF the air. We're producing entertainment- it's a SHOW. And a show needs a strong producer. If you're a host, it's in your best interest to lobby for that as well as your own salary increase. And if we want to continue to get smart, motivated people to work in this industry, treating them- and paying them- like professionals would be a good start.

But even well-produced shows need a helping hand, and that's what All Access News-Talk-Sports provides with Talk Topics, the ultimate show prep news story resource. At Talk Topics, you'll find a huge list of stories with links and jokes and annoying commentary, and unlike other resources for topics, these are selected and written by someone who's actually done talk radio (ahem). Among this week's stories so far are the Great Fluffernutter War of 2006, why the words "cut and run" seem to be popping up on C-SPAN a lot lately, why people all over Japan are sleeping at work, an adopted woman who found her birth mother closer than she imagined, the new drink with the light refreshing taste of nicotine, why you may soon find a decent deli in Bentonville, Arkansas, why boarding an airplane has gotten a lot less orderly (but somehow faster), and why eleven cousins decided to voluntarily have their stomachs removed, plus lots more stories and stuff. And there's the rest of All Access with the industry's best/fastest/most complete/most accurate/fabbest/gearest/ginchiest news coverage at Net News, people sniping at each other anonymously at Net Talk, music, ratings, columns, the Industry Directory, and the all-important job listings, because, um, you never know.

Next Week: I'm not sure, but considering the call I just got from the mechanic telling me what fixing my car is gonna cost, there's a good chance it'll involve me being irritated and complaining about busted engine temperature sensors and misaligned wheels. Excuse me while I go sell some blood to pay for it.


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June 22, 2006

GOING, GOING GHANA

Yeah, I did feel guilty when they scored on a penalty kick.

And it did strike me during the second half that there is something profoundly unpatriotic about rooting against your own country in a soccer match.

But then I realized that there is nothing MORE American than what I was doing. See, I was rooting for Ghana because I have Ghana in a World Cup pool, and I'm in the lead but needed to make up for early disappointment from Croatia to maintain the lead. Ghana was my last pick, the "best of what's left" pick, and with this win they move on to the round of 16.

And I may win this round of the pool from it.

Capitalism in action. It was in my best financial interest for Ghana to win.

God bless America.


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June 23, 2006

THE HIGH HARD ONE

You're a fan of a team. Someone on that team allegedly does something unforgivable. He also happens to be an important member of the squad.

Do you root for him? Stop rooting for him? Push for him to be traded?

I'd hope it would be easier because the team, at the moment, sucks and is getting suckier. But no.

This is what being an Oakland Raiders fan must be like.

I guess we can wait until the court rules on this before declaring anything one way or the other about Brett Myers. And you gotta hope it's not true. But, dude, no, bad, really bad.

And the 2006 baseball season can't end fast enough. 2006 can't end fast enough.


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June 24, 2006

WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH "HOP ON POP" OR "RAMONA THE SPY"?

Beautiful day for a stroll today, so we did that in Redondo Beach, where they were having a street fair. And one of the booths was selling books, but a special kind of books for children. These were books that, according to the sign draped in the back, teach "self-esteem" and "diversity" and "tolerance" and other attributes everyone wants for their children, because every parent wants to raise a potential victim.

I checked out the catalog. They have books about...

1. Defining "beautiful" ("Maybe somebody is beautiful because she or he has something which we can't see, hear, or feel right away... maybe somebody who is peaceful is beautiful"). Inner beauty, blah blah blah. True dat, except that there ARE people who are not beautiful. This book urges kids to find the beauty in everyone. Kids need to know right away that some things, and some people are pretty damn ugly. Certainly, the kid punching your teeth to the back of your throat isn't beautiful.

2. Defining "funny." Uh oh. It's all about "sensitivity and awareness in children's humor." Listen, kids are cruel. And so are adults. Life is cruel. Besides, "sensitivity and awareness" means you end up with no humor at all. You have a child protected from "cruel" humor and that kid will grow up to be an unhappy adult who doesn't laugh much and listens to "A Prairie Home Companion." And maybe writes "sensitive and aware" children's books.

3. Defining "right." And here's the money quote: "Maybe what is right for us is not right for our neighbor. Maybe what is right for us is not right for other people or not right in other places." It's never too early to inculcate a sense of moral relativism in kiddies. Maybe they'll all grow up to be very tolerant of the people who plan to kill them. Besides, I believe the sentiments expressed in this book were better stated in a previous form:

Now, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum,
What might be right for you, may not be right for some.
A man is born, he's a man of means.
Then along come two, they got nothing but their jeans.

But they got, Diff'rent Strokes.
It takes, Diff'rent Strokes.
It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.

Yes, it does.

4. Defining "love." This one talks about "that big inside rainbow feeling of Live for someone who has a different skin color than you do...." Okay, but instead of calling the book "What is Love?", it would have been more accurate to call it "What is Multiculturalism, And How Can We Slip It Into The Curriculum?" Nothing particularly wrong with it, but truth in advertising is always preferred.

5. Defining "death." Hey, kids, you've been on this Earth for only a few years- time to learn about checking out! And it's okay! Here, try it!

6. Defining "God." Yeah, all the same. You could probably write this one yourself.

The gentlemen selling the books- one appeared to be the author- were gentle souls with a penchant for the hard sell. They were really working the crowd, practically shoving the books into people's hands, and seemingly selling a good number of books. I expect a bumper crop of kids getting their asses kicked but good in Redondo in about 5 years.

And that's life. I was a fairly sensitive, non-violent, understanding, intelligent child. I got beaten up on a regular basis. Childhood, for me, sucked. But I learned valuable lessons that have made me a reasonably well-adjusted and successful adult, namely:

1. There's lots of ugliness in the world. Not everything is "beautiful." That goes for the bullies, and it also goes for appearance. Yes, kids, face it: inner beauty is wonderful, and necessary, but you don't want to have sex with someone who resembles something you saw on an Aminal Planet special. Or maybe you do.

2. Racism and sexism and other intolerance are not proper sources for humor, except when they are. Turns out it's possible to laugh at taboo jokes- and at other people- and not be a racist/sexist/bad person, because we all do.

3. Turns out some things ARE just plain "right." Turns out that just because someone else may not agree doesn't mean that you're not right. Turns out that, say, murdering innocent civilians is "wrong" and the terrorist/insurgent/"freedom fighters" idea that it's "right" is wrong. Turns out that not everything is relative.

4. Kids, no book can tell you what "love" is. You'll know it when you feel it. Although you'll probably be wrong the first four or five times. Someone tell that to the girl in Michigan who thinks she's in love with the Middle Eastern MySpace guy.

5. Everybody dies. Thinking about it when you're a kid just sucks. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're older. In fact, it'll become a dominant theme of much of adulthood.

6. Your own God is the real one. Everyone else's is just plain weird. This goes for whatever religion you're in. Makes it all a lot less complicated.

Maybe I should write some children's books. Seems like a lucrative racket.


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About June 2006

This page contains all entries posted to PMSimon.com in June 2006. They are listed from oldest to newest.

June 11, 2006 - June 17, 2006 is the previous archive.

June 25, 2006 - July 1, 2006 is the next archive.

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