This week's All Access newsletter deals with how you gotta put your best foot forward at all times, lest someone catch you when you suck:
As a wise dandruff shampoo commercial once advised, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
A conversation I heard on a podcast last week reminded me of that axiom- it was between a late-night TV host and one of his former writers, and they agreed that the first months of the show were not very good and that it was a period of trial and error before the show finally hit its stride. And that conversation struck me as an interesting admission: they admit that they put out sub-par material for months before they got it right. That means they were very, very lucky, because the network left them on anyway (lacking, as it turns out, a "plan B" in case of failure). And they were very, very lucky, because they managed to find enough forgiving people out there to keep the show above the ratings Mendoza Line.
Most of us don't have that luxury, and I don't mean the part about having an employer who leaves you on even if the show isn't very good. I'm talking here about the audience, and the best way to illustrate what I mean is for you to think about your own use of the radio when you're, say, in the car. You punch around the dial and you land on an unfamiliar talk show. How long do you give the show before you decide whether to stick with it or look for something more entertaining? Not very long, right? And if you tune into a show and the first thing you hear is boring or confusing or just not your cup of tea, are you going to give that show another shot later, or tomorrow, or ever? Probably not. So what makes you think you can get away with an unfocused, rambling, lazy segment once in a while?
If you're trying to snare listeners, you have to be on your game all the time. I know, that's hard, but, sorry, that's how this business works. You don't have all day to get it right- you have more like 30 seconds to a minute to convince someone to stay with you. I listen to a lot of talk radio and I hear hosts do stuff that ultimately drives away potential listeners, such as:
1. Rambling on and on so much that someone who hasn't been listening from the very beginning will have no idea whatsoever what the topic is. That's the easiest way to drive away a listener- make it impossible for people tuning in during the show to quickly find out what the topic is.
2. Too many topics at once. "We're talking about the election, and we're also taking your calls about whether Michael Vick should be suspended." What? Don't confuse people.
3. Tangents. There are some hosts- I will not name names, unless you pay me a lot of money to do so- who cannot stick to one train of thought. They'll start talking about, say, illegal immigration, and within the space of two minutes they'll be talking about Paris Hilton, Ace bandages, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," and the salad they had for lunch. Apparently, they think that this is "cute" and "entertaining." Unfortunately, this is "Attention Deficit Disorder," it's "confusing," and it causes listeners to "tune out" and "never come back."
4. Interviews. Please, if you only come away from this thing with one memory, make it this: tell people who you're interviewing, not just at the beginning and end of the interview but DURING the interview. Nothing will make a listener go away faster than if you're in the middle of an interview and there's no way to tell who you're interviewing. It's so easy to fix this- just slip in something like "we're talking to the President and Recording Secretary of the Slow Talkers of America" or "toy manufacturer Irwin Mainway is on the line" before you ask the next question. Do not make listeners try to guess who your subject is. Just tell them as often as you can.
So the pressure's on. You have to be as good as you can be at all times. If you think of something as a "throwaway segment," you're throwing away potential listeners and fans. You're better than that.
(And don't forget that this applies double for airchecks you send out to get a job- you have maybe 30 seconds to convince a PD to listen to the rest of your tape. If there's a lot of production and intros and rambling setup in the beginning, you'll lose the PD. Hit them with your best stuff right out of the chute)
Now, the above principle also applies to All Access News-Talk-Sports and the Talk Topics show prep column, which has to be at the top of its game every single day or... well, okay, that's not exactly true, but I like to think that I'm always on top of my game. (I also believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Eagles' run defense. Okay, not the last one) Why, just check out this week's heap of items, like David Beckham in Hollywood, how Fritos and tubing don't mix, Harry Potter, a heartfelt Get Well wish to Merv Griffin, a teacher who probably shouldn't have a MySpace page, how to get run over by your own car, why I wouldn't want to have to breathe in midtown Manhattan right now, the Michael Vick saga (brought to you by Milk-Bone), the home run that may have saved a life, a newspaper offering the world's most up-to-the-minute breast coverage, why owning a Hummer in a liberal neighborhood won't end well, more anti-plastic grocery bag activity, the saga of a bleeding guy, a prostitute, a car, and a bridge, what chess can do for your love life, a story that'll make you think twice before going into that public pool, a guy with fly larvae in his head, what the well-dressed Hollywood DUI convict is wearing this year, and why you don't taunt the hippos and you don't try to light another man's barbecue (separate stories), plus a great "10 Questions With..." Newsday columnist, WOR/New York and syndicated talk host, and cartoon voice Ellis Henican, the Talent Toolkit with some great newspaper indexes and a link to a random local yokel newspaper finder, and the rest of All Access with news first, fastest, and most accurate, ratings, jobs, message boards, Mediabase charts, an amazing searchable Industry Directory (not just links, but everything you need about everyone you need), and much more, all free. And that's close to a record for sentence length, isn't it?
I don't have a snappy closing this week- I'm already violating the "top of my game at all times" credo- so I'll just indulge myself in a plug for pmsimon.com, which you can check for mostly non-radio stuff like baseball cards, bad frozen yogurt, and the banal doings in my life, and we'll call it a week. Go do something fun and we'll talk in seven days or so.
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