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July 2006 Archives

July 1, 2006

EVERYTHING'S COMING BACK TO ME

YouTube is an amazing resource for now, before the copyright wolves come knocking. I especially love the retro commercials and IDs people are posting, and some of them truly bring back memories. Take the one linked here (they don't have a direct blog-linking system for Movable Type yet):

When that commercial and jingle- really, any Levis spot- hit TV airwaves in the early 70's, you knew it was about to be Back to School time. They'd start airing in early August; that meant it was time to head to the Army-Navy store, to Bamberger's, to Alexanders and Korvettes and Great Eastern and Two Guys and get the clothes and the notebooks and the paper and pencils and stuff. It made Summer go too quickly.

I'm not in school anymore, and I live where Summer kinda hangs around most of the year, but one look at this commercial and it felt like August 1972 all over again.


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July 2, 2006

CAT? NAP!

This long weekend is the closest thing I have to "having time off" that I can expect for a while.

So is there any way to communicate that to our cat?

I normally get up at somewhere between 4 and 4:30 every weekday. This weekend, I've been able to sleep in until... er, 4 or 4:30. Ella the World's Most Famous Cat starts meowing, I get up and get her food, she comes back and starts running around like a maniac and meowing and playing with her little bed and jumping on ours and demanding that Fran pet her. This "time off" has been as exhausting as work. And I've been too tired to get to my special project, which is... re-editing some video footage of Ella the World's Most Famous Cat.

Next time, we go away. I hear the Embassy Suites in El Segundo is lovely this time of year.


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July 3, 2006

GOOD ONE

Today was a good day. Can't tell you details; it's just that we've reached the top of a long uphill road, and now it's likely to be easier all around. It's been like a really good pre-birthday gift. Sorry to be cryptic, but, again, it ain't my story to tell. It's just been a very good day for us; it's about time we got one of these.


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REQUIEM FOR A TUMMLER

Jan Murray is dead.

Nipsey's gone, and so are Paul Lynde, Cliff Arquette/Charley Weaver, Wally Cox, Bennett Cerf, and many of the other folks I only knew as game show panelists, and now Jan Murray's gone, too. What they did in "real life" was unclear to my child mind- all I knew was that they were always on TV, always on "The Hollywood Squares" or "What's My Line" or "I've Got A Secret" or "To Tell The Truth," and that was enough for me. I thought that would be the greatest job, sitting on a game show panel, throwing off scripted witticisms and maybe scoring some of the lovely parting gifts for yourself. Turns out that never happened for me- game shows aren't as popular these days, and the category of "Celebrities Whose Real Jobs You Can't Figure Out" is reserved for people like Paris Hilton. But it would have been cool to be one of those guys. I wouldn't have needed to be Center Square, either- just stick me in the lower right and throw me an occasional question. There are worse ways to spend a life.


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July 4, 2006

INDEPENDENCE AND CHARRED FOOD DAY

Today: a dip in the pool after a nice long leisurely run past the Palos Verdes Estates border, a little work, then a burger, well done on the ol' Weber grill, with cheese and practically a whole tomato and nice crisp lettuce on a toasted kaiser roll, plus a little ice cold Kona Longboard Lager on a warm evening. No live fireworks this year, just enjoying the ocean breeze and relaxing and doing very little of anything.

So, why the hell are you at the computer? Go see some boomers or have a cold one and something scorched on the grill. It's the American way, even if Superman doesn't understand anymore.


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July 5, 2006

IT'S CANDLE-BLOWIN'-OUT TIME

Happy Birthday to me.

Low-key birthday this year- no special celebration, a few calls and e-mails and cards from family and friends, that's all. The best present- really, the best present I've ever gotten- is Fran's recovery, so everything else is gravy. Or icing on the cake (which Fran baked- yellow cake with chocolate icing, my favorite). At this age, those kind of things are better than a new toy or a party at Chuck E. Cheese, even if each birthday is an opportunity to chronicle which joints have started to hurt and how many pounds you need to lose.

(Answers to those questions, for the record? Both knees and a hip; no comment)

But I'm still around, Fran's stil around, Ella the World's Most Famous Cat is still around, our friends and family are still around, and that's all good. Time to plow ahead for another year. And it's never too late to send a gift. Cash is good.


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July 6, 2006

FEELING FOR THE OTHER GUYS

The competition got sold to another competitor today, and I was asked by several people today what I thought. And out of respect to the folks over there, who must be going through some powerful emotional swings at the moment, I'd rather not opine on the situation, other than to say that I feel for them. The public statements by the new owners stressed the continuing of the "brand," but gave absolutely no indication about the products or the staff, and I've been there when I've worked for companies in the process of change or in trouble and the bosses gave noncommittal PR-speak statements. It sucks, it hurts, and for their sake I hope it all works out.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't get a lot of pleasure out of seeing the competition in upheaval. Maybe there's a little better-them-than-me, but there's a limit to my schadenfreude fun in a situation like that where I harbor no ill will towards the people affected. Maybe I identify with their situation more than not. I will admit, however, to the occasional grin when people who've fired me run into trouble. But only a little smirk, and then it goes away. Life's too short to hold too many grudges.

But I did notice some people posting to those radio geek boards fretting that the change may end free radio industry news on the Web. May I suggest to them that there's another, better free radio industry news source, with more, faster, and better news coverage? 'Cause there is. Pardon the blatant plug.


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July 7, 2006

A NIGHT AT BARRYLAND

It's late, so you get just the shorthand of my evening:

Fans chant "Barry sucks!" Fans throw inflatable giant prescription bottle on field (memo to fans in Dodger Stadium left field pavilion: it's been done). Barry hits one to Pasadena. Fans still chant "Barry sucks!" Dodgers win. Fans go home happy: they got to yell at Barry, they got to see a massive Barry homer, they got to see the Dodgers win. Win-win-win.

That's entertainment.


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July 8, 2006

OH, YEAH...

...Almost forgot. If you're in San Francisco and you turn on 106.9 Free FM right now (7-9pm PT), that's me co-hosting (by crappy telephone connection) with Turi Ryder. Also on line at... er... I dunno, Google KIFR.

Gotta go talk again. 'Scuse me...


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July 9, 2006

I KEEK THE BALL

We were in Ralphs when Italy won the World Cup. We had to grab lunch and do food shopping; because of my work schedule, it was the only time available, so soccer had to yield. I watched the first half on TV, and we listened to some of the second half on XM. We were in a restaurant when Zidane head-butted his way out of the game- I overheard a waiter tell another waiter about someone getting a red card, but only after getting back in the car did I find out who it was. For penalty kicks, we were pushing a cart down the produce aisle. By the time we got back to the car, the announcer was having an aneurysm and the little screen on the receiver said Italy had won.

This time around, we noted a lot more interest in the Cup. While the waiters at the restaurant were keeping an eye on the game by the register, we saw one vendor at the Farmer's Market outside watching a pocket portable TV while the Spanish-lanugage commentary from Univision echoed across the parking lot from multiple booths. People I know who never, ever talk about soccer were asking me what I thought about France's chances, what I thought about the referees and about Italy's troubles back home, about individual players. I don't remember this interest from non-immigrants in America in the past, not even when they played the games here.

The quality of the games helped. There were plenty of matches that illustrated how interesting and exciting a 1-1 game can be, how a sport can be fun and watchable even without the scoreboard ringing up goals every few seconds. It was a great advertisement for soccer...

...but I still don't see it making pro soccer huge in America. In fact, it kinda put U.S. soccer- the national team and the MLS- to shame. Besides the disappointing performance of Bruce Arena's squad, it was a reminder that compared to European and Latin American leagues, the MLS is decidedly minor league. When you buy a ticket to a major league baseball or an NFL or an NBA game, you know you're watching, if not the best at what they do, among the very best athletes in each sport, probably THE best. MLS is more like the WNBA. It may be entertaining on its own level, but you know you're not watching Chelsea or Real Madrid out there. And even the team names reinforce the phoniness: F.C. Dallas and the upcoming Toronto F.C. use the F.C. name despite our not using the term "football" for the sport (so what does it stand for? Fake?). Houston Dynamo? Not Moscow. Chivas U.S.A. ain't the real Chivas, and the fans know it. And whoever thought "Real Salt Lake" was a good idea probably sees nothing humorous in the name "Utah Jazz," either. Fake names for minor league soccer. If we had a Premiere League-level and these teams were merely the lower division clubs aspiring to climb the ranks, okay, but this is the best we have, and it's not good enough.

In New York, they've opened the documentary about the days of the Cosmos- it comes here next week, and I'm looking forward to it. I went to most Cosmos games when they moved to the Meadowlands, and, back then, while you knew you were watching guys at the tail-end of their career, you were watching Pele- THE Pele!- and Chinaglia and Beckenbauer and Carlos Alberto and so many other familiar names that you knew you were getting your money's worth. Of course, it led the rest of the league into financial ruin as too many teams plus too little cash plus inflated salaries plus not enough TV money equaled disaster, but it was soccer's main chance to break through. I miss those days, actually. It was a blast while it lasted. But now we're stuck with a league full of teams that just aren't good enough and just aren't any fun. It's decidedly the bushes, at major league prices. Thanks, but I'll stick to baseball right now.


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July 10, 2006

TANK'S LOW

The weekend didn't, evidently, provide the kind of renewed energy I need to be motivated, coherent, a not-so-lean, occasionally mean writing machine. Today's column at All Access and the several zillion news items I had to write came out like impacted wisdom teeth. If staring blankly at the monitor constitutes working, I'm working my ass off.

I think this week may require some scans and video stills. We'll see.


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July 11, 2006

SCANMANIA: YE OLDE BASEBALLE GUIDES

Back to the scans. In honor of the All-Star Game (nice closing job, Trevor), here are some items off my shelf, from back when the Sporting News meant something and the Baseball Guide and Dope Book were the bibles of the Bible of Baseball.

First, the Guide:

The Guides were compact, thick, filled with stats for every team in the majors and each league in the minors. The worst hitter in the lowest minors? In here. You could look up the 1971 Pioneer League stats- Rookie classification- and see that the top 10 hitters never made it to the bigs, except for the ninth best hitter, some guy named George Brett who hit .291 for Billings. Going through the low minors, it's amazing how many guys play in the pros but never make it, and how well you have to perform down there to even become a mediocre major leaguer- the top 10 hitters in various leagues include such future major league non-stars as Dane Iorg, Al Bumbry, Rowland Office, Mike Cubbage. Bobby Cox was managing Fort Lauderdale in the Class A Florida State League back then, and the notes say he lived in the clubhouse and slept on a cot at the ballpark. A guy named Jorge Orta led the Mexican Center League in hitting in 1971; by 1972, he reached the majors with the White Sox and lasted to 1987. The California League top 10 had a few more future major leaguers, like George Theodore (the Stork!), Steve Ontiveros (the 70s third baseman, not the 90s pitcher), Johnny Grubb, Jim Wohlford, Bake McBride. And, with relevance to tonight's game, the Dixie-Texas League top 10 included a guy who made the majors in '72, Gary Matthews- his son was on the AL squad tonight.

I could browse through that stuff all night. (I'd scan some more for you, but the perfect-bound pages don't take to bending enough for a clear scan, and the type's way small...)

And for things like stadium seating charts and All-Star stats and detailed descriptions- no pictures, just words- of team caps and uniforms, there was this:

That's a portrait of the Hammer by official Braves graphic artist Wayland Moore on the cover. Moore was the guy to blame for that uniform. (It seemed so modern and forward-looking at the time...)

I loved those guides. The Baseball America Directory and Almanac do a decent job, but there's nothing quite like the guide, quite like the feeling when the new ones came out in late Winter-early Spring and you'd send your money and wait for that little thick brown envelope and the fresh start to a new baseball season. It's not the same now, but neither is baseball, or much else, for that matter.


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July 12, 2006

THIS WEEK'S "THE LETTER": GONE FISHIN'

After a couple of week's hiatus, I got around to doing another newsletter for All Access. Here's all I could come up with:

Yeah, I took a little break from The Letter for the last couple of weeks. I'd intended to just take last week off to celebrate the national holiday (my birthday on the 5th, of course. What? There was another holiday that week? Which one?) but when I sat down to write the previous week's missive, I had... nothing. The well was dry. The tank was empty. Insert your own clichi here. Couldn't do it. Blank page. So I gave up and figured that after over a year of writing one of these every week, I deserved a couple of weeks to recharge the batteries. And now I've been recharging for two weeks and I still got nothin'.

How about you? Your mind is someplace other than in the studio with you. It's Summer, the sun's out, it's hot, there are beaches and barbecues and baseball and a thousand other things that are crowding your thoughts. There are important news stories to talk about, and there are always the evergreen topics like immigration, but you just... can't... summon... the... energy... to talk about them.

Do you have to?

I've heard from PDs who take different approaches to this. One school of thought says that you have to give the listeners what they expect, and if they expect you to be railing about the border crisis or the Middle East, then that's what you talk about, period. You're supposed to be serving up the usual red meat to the P1s. (Oh, by the way, can we declare a moratorium on calling listeners "P1s"? I hate that stupid term. It's like we're trying to pretend that the radio industry is some kind of specialized profession with special incomprehensible insiders' terminology to keep the riff-raff out. And while we're at it, they're headphones, not "cans") The philosophy is that every time a listener tunes into the station, he or she'll get exactly what's always there, same topics, same tone, same politics.

But if that's how you're supposed to do it, why do the same stations carry specialty and non-political shows on the weekends, or feature talk about UFOs and stuff overnight? Here's why: listeners don't necessarily WANT the same stuff 24/7. Their frames of mind are different at different times and on different days. If you transplant the same topics and tone you use on a weekday afternoon to time periods when people generally aren't in a weekday work mode- say, a lazy Saturday morning, or late on a weekday evening- they won't listen. YOU wouldn't listen. It's a weekend, you're trying to relax, and the guy on the radio is going on and on about troop withdrawals and illegal immigration and Karl Rove? Forget it. And most stations do just that- they forget the hard news stuff when weekends roll around. (Oh, and don't get me started on stations that preach programming consistency yet sell infomercials on the weekends or broker the time out)

So what's the difference if it's a warm, sunny Summer weekday and you sense that the audience is as uninterested in serious hard-news ranting as you are? This is where a host and producer's instincts have to kick in, and where a PD has to trust those instincts. Maybe businesses like McDonald's thrive on consistency- you know what you're gonna get when you walk in the door- but talk radio's not McDonald's. It's important to be consistent to a point, but you gotta know the audience, you gotta have timing, and you gotta know yourself. if you're not into a topic, the listeners will know it and they'll leave whether they're looking for that topic or not. (Ever heard a host who's clearly bored or uninterested or ill-informed about the topic at hand? Yes, you have, and it's painful. Wanna be that guy?) Yeah, if something's a huge, breaking story, you gotta talk about it, and you should. But if nothing's grabbing you, and you know deep down that its one of those days, now's the time to talk about relationships, pop culture, lifestyle stuff, anything that you and your listeners can relate to while dreaming of white sand and blue water.

Or you can take a vacation. But you just got back from the last one, didn't you?

Now, if you're looking for stuff to talk about and the front page isn't doing it for you, maybe some of the lighter, more "lifestyle" topics available in the Talk Topics column at All Access News-Talk-Sports will be useful. (Aha! This whole letter is just a ruse to rope you into using Talk Topics again! Alert the FTC!) Among the feather-light Summery topics on tap this week, you'll find out why Elizabeth Taylor speaks for so many of us, more proof why flavor and McDonald's don't mix, the latest report on hurricane season (which is the opposite of the LAST report on hurricane season), another article about male baby sitters, a minor league baseball team that's letting fans vote on everything it does, the mystery of the Unidentified Falling Object that landed on a local golf course, the mystery of the Unseen Cruise Child, proof that most Americans are lying when they say they think lying is never justified, the spectacular musical performance of an allegedly drunk Jackie Chan, why one town's complaining about government interference with its Rocky Mountain oysters, everything you ever wanted to know about head-butting, why YouTube may be getting a visit from the Indecency Police, why women (according to a survey) hate having women bosses, and why the immigration debate may mean a Florida orange shortage. Oh, yeah, there's more serious, disturbing stuff, too, like war breaking out and terrorist attacks and Trevor Hoffman's 9th inning in the All-Star Game. Add to that "10 Questions With..." Adam Carolla Show technical director and voice guy Mike Dawson and the Talent Toolkit with some viral video resources that aren't YouTube or Google Video, plus the rest of All Access with the industry's best/first/fastest/most accurate/most reliable/just plain wonderful news coverage, useful columns, Mediabase charts, Arbitron ratings, a searchable Industry Directory, and someone else interviewing KFI/LA's Bill Handel, and you get a radio resource that's unmatched, unbiased, unimpeachable, and unmerged. All free, too. Unbelievable.

Next week: probably some wise words about working with others. Or more filler. Depends on the weather.


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July 13, 2006

THE FCC HATES PHILADELPHIANS (EXCEPT FOR ONE)

What if a government agency made a ruling that was one way for the entire country except for one single city, which they decided would have a different rule, yet refused to explain or discuss exactly WHY they did that?

That's exactly what the FCC did today, ruling that as a condition of the Time Warner/Comcast purchase of Adelphia, the companies would have to allow any regional sports cable networks they own to be available to all competitors, including cable systems, DirecTV, Dish Network and Verizon FIOS. This ruling is intended to prevent the cable companies from withholding key sports programming and thus preventing effective competition. And it's now the law everywhere...

... except Philadelphia.

Why?

Don't ask the FCC. It doesn't have an answer, and apparently it doesn't feel the need to HAVE one.

The upshot of this ruling is this: ONLY Philadelphia fans (and San Diego, actually, but that's the result of a different deal) are prevented from choosing someone other than Comcast for television service that includes Phillies, Flyers, and Sixers games. Among fans who live outside the team's home market, ONLY Philadelphia fans are prevented from subscribing to their regional sports network. Comcast is taking advantage of a loophole- Comcast SportsNet Philadelphia is not distributed by satellite to cable systems- and the Adelphia deal was the golden chance for the FCC to remedy this inequity.

They did remedy the problem for everyone EXCEPT PHILADELPHIA. And they gave NO REASON- not in the comments, not in the Open Meeting, NEVER- for their specific exemption of Philadelphia. Comcast's Brian Roberts made the exemption a dealbreaker, and they went along with it. Why? Why is the owner of a cable giant dictating terms to the FCC? And how did he get the Commissioners to go along with it?

Use your imagination.

So far this year, the FCC has made an illogical, rationale-free attack on free speech with the indecency regulations, and now it's told the consumers of Philadelphia to F themselves because as far as the FCC's concerned, Brian Roberts owns them.

And there's nothing Philadelphians, or expatriates wanting to see the Phillies (I know, who'd want to see THAT?), can do about it.

And the FCC doesn't have to answer to anyone, except maybe to people for whom they may work in the future.

Kevin Martin should be ashamed of himself, but I'm sure he isn't.


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July 14, 2006

OBSCURITY OF THE WEEK: SOCCER'S LOST CHAMPION

The campaign to scan and post ephemera that nobody else has thought to put on the Internet continues with a program I found on my shelf days after the World Cup final. From 1977, here's a game program from the old American Soccer League:

How about that 'fro and p0rn 'stache on that cartoon player? And the plain white Adidas sans cleats? Guy's stylin'.

Now, that's not the NORTH American Soccer League, the one with the Cosmos and Pele and Chinaglia and crowds and teams in big stadia in big cities. The American Soccer League was a minor league that at times seemed to have major league pretentions, including getting a celebrity "Commissioner":

He doesn't look happy to be there, does he? I remembered that he was briefly the Commissioner, but I bet he doesn't remember it himself.

Then, there was this guy, a kid named John Bluem, honored in the program as Player of the Week:

My curiosity got the best of me and I Googled him- and, lo and behold, click here and you'll see what he's up to now. Not bad. But no mention of his ASL stint.

The Americans that season turned out pretty well, too- they won the league championship, although the league itself lost the Santa Barbara franchise halfway through the season. The Americans moved to Miami for the 1980 season, and the league, which lasted for 51 years (!), staggered to a close after the 1983 season, with some teams surviving in the United Soccer League, which lives on today.

Well, nobody else was gonna put this stuff up.


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July 15, 2006

HOT HOT HEAT

Maybe there's something to this global warming thing.

It's hot out here. I know, it's hotter where you are, and way more humid, too, but there's not much of an ocean breeze at the moment and the sun's been baking us all day. We ran our errands around Torrance where it's just far enough inland to feel about 100 degrees hotter, and the moment we opened the car doors, it was convection oven time.

And our house doesn't have A/C.

Last night was OK with the windows open, until the skunk showed up and Fran closed the window. Tonight, we may just have to go to the movies to get some decent A/C going. Don't WANT to see anything in the theaters yet, but I'll even see "The Devil Wears Some Hoity-Toity Designer," a movie about an Anna Wintour clone, a movie made for people without a scintilla of testosterone, if it'll provide a steady flow of 68 degree air.

A desperate measure for a desperate time.


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July 16, 2006

HOTTER HOTTER HEAT

Another day, more heat, another trip to the multiplex. Today's movie: "The Devil Wears Prada." (Fran wanted to see it. Not me. Really.)

Review: The theater was too warm. They obviously didn't drop the A/C temperature down to compensate for the large crowds and high external temperatures. The movie was too long, which would have been a bonus had they not kept the A/C so warm. And the couple behind us would not shut up, the wife actually taking a cell phone call during the movie and not hanging up despite my and another gentleman's asking her to take the call outside. They also had the annoying tendency to complete lines of dialogue before the actors could, then congratulating themselves on being so clever. That they didn't end up wearing any of my medium Cherry Coke is a testament to my great powers of restraint.

The movie itself? Eh. OK for what it is (chique flique) but with unlikeable characters (including characters you're supposed to like), preposterous plot holes, and being set in a world in which I have absolutely no interest. Other than that, it's great.


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July 17, 2006

OKAY, JUST DUMP EVERYTHING RIGHT HERE. I'M ALREADY BURIED UNDER A PILE OF OTHER CRAP

Tip: If you're going to have construction work- noisy, dusty, loud construction work- done on your property right next to your neighbors' house, you tell them in advance, preferably when you decide to apply for a municipal permit. That way, if the noise and dust will, say, interfere with the neighbor's working in his home office, at least he'll have a few months' warning and maybe be able to arrange some alternatives.

Or you can do what ours did and just start the jackhammering this morning right outside my window. Surprise!

In fairness, the neighbor is being apologetic and wants to accomodate, but it's a little too late- I can't very well spend the money to rent an office and get it fitted out with computers and broadband access, and spending every day nursing a soda and bagel at Panera Bread to leech off their Wi-Fi is not an acceptable alternative. And we're looking at three months of cement trucks, sawing, hammering, air guns, and general construction inconvenience.

Hospitals, doctors, huge expenses, car troubles, uncomfortable heatwaves, and now this. Do I have to repeat it? 2006 sucks.


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July 18, 2006

WHY I JUST DON'T LISTEN TO HIM THAT MUCH ANYMORE

From the New York Daily News this morning:

    The party - or much of it, anyway - eventually moved to the Star Room in Wainscott, where Hamptons mag was celebrating cover girl Beth Ostrosky, aka Howard Stern's girlfriend. In the club's VIP area, two beefy bodyguards loomed over the Sirius radio jock and his mate, bellowing to passersby: "No pictures!" Also present were Billy Joel's wife, Katie; Simmons; the ubiquitous Hiltons, and even a Kuwaiti prince.

Imagine what the old Howard would have said about celebrities hiding behind body guards insisting that fans put their cameras away. In the Hamptons, with rich celebs and a prince, no less.

Stern is everything he used to lampoon, only worse. It's been this way for years now. I'm glad he's happy- I HOPE he's happy, and he has a lot to be happy about- but he turned into Imus about 10 years ago. And you already knew that.


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July 19, 2006

THIS WEEK'S "LETTER": HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU...

This week's All Access newsletter dealt with some of my annoyances this week and what talk radio folks can learn from my pain:

This week: ye olde cell-phone-in-the-movie-theater topic and what it means for talk radio. Sort of. Bear with me here.

We went to a couple of movies this weekend, because it was as hot as it gets around here and we don't have A/C (we depend on the ocean breeze, and the ocean let us down). Before the movie, the theater showed a series of messages with the same message:

-Turn off your cell phone.
-Quiet! Be courteous- don't talk and silence your ringer.
-Cingular says: turn off your cell phones. Thanks!
-For the last time, turn off the damn cell phone or we'll come and smash it with a sledgehammer!


Okay, I made the last one up, but you've seen the messages. They repeat it over and over, and with each one, you see people finally realizing THIS MEANS ME! and pulling out their RAZRs and Nokias and turning them off for the duration. All but one- the woman behind me. About a half hour into the picture ("The Devil Wears Prada"- what can I say, Fran wanted to see it and I wanted two hours of air conditioning), the woman's phone rang.

And she answered it.

And she started a conversation.

And I turned around and told her to take it outside. And she didn't.

And another guy told her to shut up. And she didn't.

And after she finished her call, she and her husband proceeded to loudly finish lines of dialogue before the actors could, and congratulated each other for guessing correctly what they'd say.

The point: the theater had told the audience at least three times to shut the hell up, and at least one couple DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE. It was projected in huge letters right in front of their eyes, it was read over the sound system, it's common sense, and she somehow managed to miss ALL of it.

The talk radio point: when your PD or consultant tells you to repeat the call letters and repeat the topic and repeat the phone number over and over, there's a reason. For every listener who whines that you say that stuff too much, there are dozens who won't retain anything unless you say it and say it again and say it over and over and over until it sinks in. Think that's trivial? Put a ratings diary in one of those thick-headed listener's hands. And having reviewed a lot of ratings diaries, I can tell you that a lot of diarykeepers can't always tell you what they're listening to, so you have to help them along a little. Repetition aids retention. But you knew that.

Another point: I got angry from this couple's behavior. I couldn't enjoy the rest of the movie because of it. (And because the movie isn't all that good, but that's a separate issue) This week, not only was there the cell phone thing, but I discovered our neighbors had gotten a permit to add an extension that will mean construction noises right outside my office window all day for the next three months, I got caught behind someone driving well below the speed limit in the car pool lane on the 405 because, well, they could, a doctor's appointment started over an hour and a half late with no explanation, and the Phillies' bullpen couldn't hold a three run lead in the seventh. Each one of things pushed me to the brink of blowing my stack.

That's bad for my blood pressure and bad for anyone near me at the time, but that's the kind of passion that's good for talk radio. Think about what YOU like to listen to or watch: do you prefer hearing someone discuss something with no passion or vested interest in it, or someone melting down over a minor issue? Use that energy and passion- if something has you spitting mad, talk about it on the air. (Critics always say talk radio's just a bunch of angry people anyway- might as well talk about stuff you're REALLY angry about)

And if, unlike me, you aren't aggravated on a daily basis, you can always check the vast collection of topic fodder, news links, and stupid jokes located in the Talk Topics column at All Access News-Talk-Sports. This week so far, you'll find items about the invasion of the Juggalos, what cell phones and your pet have in common, the folks who are selling "modest" women's bathing suits, whether "funny" is stil funny almost 50 years later, another reason not to take a cruise (replete with "Titanic" references), why most people stop their cars before changing drivers on the road, how goofing off in class has gone high-tech, the rules for office attire in this ridiculously hot weather, why raising wolves for fun and profit might not be a good idea, how the Great Southwest Airlines Assigned Seating Experiment is going so far, why some folks are putting worms in their trash baskets, this year's Best Place To Live that probably isn't where YOU live, why the patrons at record stores are looking a little longer in the tooth, the use of Barry Manilow as a weapon, and how your employer may outsource your major surgeries to India, plus plenty of links about the war in the Middle East, the heat wave, and cow chip throwing contests- you know, the "real" news. Later today, I'll add "10 Questions With..." GreenStone Media morning co-host/comic/reporter/Renaissance woman Maureen Langan, and the Talent Toolkit with sites for unusual background information about the Israel-Hezbollah war is already posted. And you can wander through the rest of All Access with the industry's fastest/best/most independent news coverage, columns galore, the incredibly complete Industry Directory, radio's best job listings, message boards so you can burn your bridges, and all sorts of other radio- and music-related stuff. Check it out- it's all free.

Next Week: Okay, I'll stop promising next week's topic, because I always change my mind. I'm sure it'll be something involving me being irritated again. It's what I do.


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July 20, 2006

NAMES MAKE THE MAN

I get press releases:

    ATLANTA – July 20, 2006 – Cox Radio (NYSE: CXR) announced today the appointment of Murph Dawg as the newest member of the morning show team on 95.5 The Beat WBTS-FM serving the Atlanta, Georgia market. Murph Dawg will join Stacy C on weekdays, Monday through Friday, from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. starting August 14, 2006.

    For the last five years, Murph Dawg has served as an on-air personality at Cox Radio’s sister station, Hot 98.1 WHZT-FM, serving Greenville, South Carolina.

    "We are thrilled to welcome Murph Dawg to the 95.5 The Beat morning show team," said Cagle, Program Director for The Beat. "His creative spirit and non-stop enthusiasm will be a great addition to our morning program as he joins Stacy C in entertaining our dedicated listener base."

    "This represents a great opportunity for me,” said Murph Dawg. “I am really excited to join Stacy C and The Beat morning show team. The Beat has a winning formula and I look forward to contributing to the station’s success."

Well.

I don't know Murph Dawg, or Stacy C, either. And I'm sure they're all nice folks, and talented, too. All I know is that I'm more than a little mortified by wacky "radio names." "Murph Dawg"- note that it's "Dawg," not "Dog," because it's more hip-hop, and the kids, they love the hip-hop. (It's hip-hop circa the Arsenio Hall Show's reign, actually, but not to quibble.) "Stacy C"- last names are SO "old people." It's a non-stop party at The Beat!

At the last station where I worked, we had a few of those names- we had a Chase, for example, just "Chase." Nobody except radio DJs and characters on "24" are called "Chase." Nobody but actors and radio people have the last name "St. James." It's not a coincidence that some radio people share names with movie and TV characters- KROQ's "Ted Stryker" doesn't have that on his birth certificate. (We shall not, however, denigrate the fine TV writer/producer/Dodgers press box denizen/former Top 40 DJ Beaver Cleaver) (And people who use variants on their real name- "Fast Larry Wax"- or childhood-bestowed nicknames, like The Actor Gregg Hughes In The Role Of Opie, for example- are similarly exempt) Radio is an industry with zero self respect.

But maybe radio just got to where the rest of the world is going a little faster. The top 20 singles include contributions from people going by the names Timbaland, Yung Joc, Snoop Dogg, Lil Jon, E-40, Chamillionaire, Kayzie Bone, Young Dro, and Too $hort. You can have a serious acting career named Ice Cube or Ice-T or Mos Def.

And maybe I should have a name like that, because all of them are doing better than me. Probably best not to use my initials, though. I've heard every joke about that already.


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July 21, 2006

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL (HOT, SWEATY) DAY (NIGHT) FOR A (BORING, UNEVENTFUL) BALL GAME

Back late from the ballpark. I had every intention of bringing back a bunch of photos, and I did have my camera with me, but I got distracted by the oppressive heat and managed to forget that I had the camera with me.

The game? Uneventful 2-0 Cardinals win. The Dodgers had no offense going at all and couldn't do anything with Suppan, but it wasn't like the Cardinals were doing much with Penny, either, except for a monumental home run by Chris Duncan that reached the back of the right field bullpen. The most remarkable part of the evening was the continuing exploitation of Kenny Lofton's lack of arm by opposing teams- when runners advanced from first and second to second and third on an average-depth fly ball, it almost seemed like a deliberate slap in the face. A runner tagging and making it safely from first to second on a lazy fly to center? That's gotta hurt.

As did J.D. Drew, who took a pitch on the knee and, surprise, surprise, came out of the game. He stayed on the ground for what seemed like an eternity, then gingerly walked on the leg and hobbled directly to the bench. Was he really injured that bad? Maybe- he took a pretty good shot to the patella- but after years of long absences for injuries his teammates think he should have played through, you almost want to see his shin hanging on by the tendons before believing that he's really hurt. You can't cry wolf so many times without raising suspicion.

Another forgettable night at the ballpark. That's OK. I still love this game.


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July 22, 2006

TODAY AT THE AIR-CONDITIONED MOVIES: "CLERKS II"

Just in time for the weekend, the temperatures rose even higher. There's a breeze, but it's a hot breeze, Santa Ana-ish, even. Just stepping out of the air-conditioned car buys you a convection-oven blast. So it was back to the theater today.

"Clerks 2" came with more-than-adequate air conditioning, which may have been because there weren't a lot of people there. There was, however, the young man who blurted out comments every so often throughout the trailers, repeating "they've REALLY run out of ideas" twice, hoping to dazzle all of us with his wit and perspicacity. He didn't.

The movie was okay, amusing enough. The problem Kevin Smith has in this one amounts to this:

1. Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson can't really act, and they REALLY- especially O'Halloran- can't deliver Smith's more precisely-worded passages in a remotely natural way.
2. Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson were the stars of the first movie.
3. You can't replace the stars of the first movie in a sequel like this.
4. Ergo, you're stuck with them. You can stick a real actress (Rosario Dawson) in with them, but it'll only put the stars' deficiencies in sharper relief.

That being said, and noting that their presence gave the movie the same low-budget, hey-kids-let's-make-a-movie feel as the first, it did the job. Nothing profound, and it's really a bunch of set pieces with a thin plot threading them together, but if that's all you expect, you'll be happy. I did laugh several times The notorious donkey show scene is cringe-inducing but funny. But what Smith does best are the fanboy arguments, especially one where Randal argues the merits of "Star Wars" over a co-worker and patron's insistence that the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy was better. If the whole movie was just two fanboys arguing over minutae, it would have been just fine, because Smith knows that territory.

And he knows his little slice of northern Monmouth County, New Jersey. Any Jersey residents or expatriates will add a half-grade just for that, even though Jersey hardly looks like a paradise in the movie. Throw in a few cameos (Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, and Ben (ugh) Affleck from the Smith repretory company and Wanda Sykes and Earthquake as a couple appalled by Randal's inadvertent, sort of, racism), a gratuitous and silly dance number, and Jay and Silent Bob, and it's a decent cheap diversion.

And did I mention the air conditioning? Very nice. Thumbs up to the Regal Avenue 13 this time around.


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July 23, 2006

ZOT!

Too damn hot again. Taking the day off.

Check out our lightning show from last night, from the Daily Breeze website. Too bad it didn't cool us off.


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July 24, 2006

BAD NEIGHBOR POLICY

The jackhammering started early today. It's going on now. I can't work in this office. I can't hear the phone. The jackhammers are going just a few feet outside my office window, I have no alternate arrangements for work, and it's impossible to work here.

The neighbors could have warned us in advance but didn't feel the need to bother. Their permit's all legal, no notice required. To be good neighbors, sure, they should have said something months ago when they planned this, but because they didn't HAVE to, they didn't. They said last week that the jackhammering would only be for a few hours that day- they lied, because it's been all day today, they're not even half done, no end in sight. And now I'm stuck- I spoke to the planning department and the response was, hey, sorry, sucks to be you.

So what the hell can I do? Anybody got any ideas, other than moving, which isn't going to happen? (Keep it legal- yes, I could blast my stereo when I start work at 4 am, but that is not an option) I'm not looking for revenge, but short of spending thousands of dollars relocating my office to a leased facility- which would wipe out most of my income anyway- what options do I have? And what would you do if your neighbor pulled this kind of crap on you?

The husband, when the jackhammering started and I went to find out what the hell was going on, said that he wants to be a good neighbor. I'm waiting for them to start.

In the meantime, click on the picture below for the latest in a series of short films from the House of PMSimon.com, this year's leading contender for Best Picture, ladies and gentleman...

"JACKHAMMER!"


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July 25, 2006

IN WHICH I INDULGE MY LOVE OF USELESS TV EPHEMERA, PART I

Allow me to test this: I want to show you how lame and boring I am with some of my favorite YouTube clips. If it works, here's the ID for WTAF-TV in Philadelphia circa 1979, a jingle that drilled itself into my brain because I saw it a zillion times in college:

If it works, expect more of this crap while YouTube lasts. There's a lot of it. If it doesn't, you've been saved. For now.


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IN WHICH I INDULGE ETC., PART II

It worked, so y'all are in trouble now.

This was a regular feature of my afterschool routine, every day at, well, 4:30, of course:

And I remember this news theme from the late 70's or thereabouts, a radical departure for the time, composed by David Amram and preceded by the announcement every kid who grew up within range of channel 5 in New York remembers- "It's 10 pm. Do you know where your children are?" I was in the other room:

Many more from my favorites list coming up.


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July 26, 2006

BACK TO THE MOVIES: THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL

By popular demand, here it is, the sequel, ripped from today's headlines...

"Jackhammer II: Electric Boogaloo."


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July 27, 2006

"BUSINESSMAN'S SPECIAL": THE TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY

And now, the rest of the story.

I was working late this morning when the cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey, you near a TV?"

"Uh, well, I can bring it up on my monitor. Why?"

"I'm on TBS."

I heard crowd noise behind him. "You're on TBS? What for?"

"The game." Aha. Braves-Marlins. That's right, it's a day game. I got Media Center working and put TBS on the screen.

"I don't see you." Or the game, for that matter.

"It's a commercial break. When they come back, you'll see me. Right behind home plate."

The break ended, the game came on, the home plate shot was there. "Nope. Are you..."

"It's a left-handed batter. When the next guy comes up, they'll switch centerfield cameras and you'll see me."

Nope. "They keep... every time they move the camera in your direction, they cut away just before... hey, I think I saw a cell phone."

"It's deliberate. I think they see me on the cell phone and..."

"No, they put a woman in a yellow shirt on close-up, and she had a cell phone."

And the conversation went like that for most of an inning. Most of the time, the shot got as close as this:

That shoulder in the front row all the way to the right? In the light blue shirt? Right there. That shoulder got a lot of airtime.

Some close calls, too (he's behind the batter's head):

Until, finally, after a long wait, paydirt:

And now you know where to find Waldo the Radio Star in this one, too:

Why? Because we're, pardon the expression, regular guys. And that's what guys do. Some of my most cherished memories were when I'd call my dad from whatever game I was at- "hey, Dad, guess where I am? Lakers-Pistons!" My friend Joe always calls when he's at Citizen's Bank Park. You go to a game, you share it.

Plus, it does beat work.

Of course, I am adamantly against people within camera range calling on a cell phone to tell friends to look for them on TV, but only when it's someone else doing the calling. Me and MY friends, well, we're different. I'll let you know why when I figure that out myself.


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July 28, 2006

ANOTHER SEQUEL- WITH EXTRA ADDED ACTION!

Herewith, the third installment in the Jackhammer! Trilogy, "Jackhammer! III: Doin' It By Hand."

But be advised: this one adds ACTION! And SPECIAL EFFECTS!

"Forget Miami- the REAL 'Vice' is in Palos Verdes!"- Roger Ebert (Under Sedation), Chicago Sun-Times


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July 29, 2006

MORE TV LEFTOVERS

Because this weekend's being taken up with work around the house, here's more YouTubery:

KYW-TV's Eyewitness News, the way I remember it from almost 30 years ago, with a very familiar, later-infamous anchor:

This one's from 1957- a station ID that includes a promo for the ORIGINAL Washington Senators, plus promotes the talk show of a guy later known for spending a zillion dollars launching independent stations that went bust:

Where do people GET this stuff? There wasn't any such thing as a VCR in 1957! It's the kind of TV detritus that I love- the stuff you vaguely remember but nobody thought to save. Forget the actual shows- it's the commercials, the IDs, the promos that I want to see.

Like this, from a commercial break on a "Star Trek" rerun, aired on WFLD in Chicago in '83:

Or a "WKRP" promo from the late, lamented WKBS, channel 48 in Philadelphia, maybe the best of the three UHF independents of the era, the one killed off when Field Communications sold off its stations:

It's all meaningless to 99.99% of society. Maybe that's why I like seeing it.


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July 30, 2006

AT THE MOVIES: BROKEBACK VICE

This weekend, besides the (still incomplete) work around the house, we did the movie thing again. One-and-a-half movies, to be precise:

MIAMI VICE: Meh, to use the word that's taken hold in the culture in recent months. It has none of the Miami-centric style of the series, none of the humor, just the basic framework of Crockett and Tubbs going undercover. Much of the film doesn't even take place in Miami and doesn't involve working for the Miami-Dade vice squad- it's more of an international thing, with scenes taking place in Haiti, Colombia, a faux-Cuba, and Switzerland while Miami is mostly shown at night, darkly lit, thunder and lightning overhead. Except for the palm trees and occasional ocean shot, it could be any city. Plot? Weak, predictable, but plot wasn't the series' strong suit, either. What really got me was the disconnect with the series' tone and style, yet some things- including the existence of the other cops, who just show up in some scenes without any explanation of who they're supposed to be- require that you know the characters from the series (Dom-the-pal-from-back-in-Noo-Yawk from "Entourage" plays Switek, but the character's never introduced and looks a great deal like a couple of the thugs in the drug operation, so it's easy not to realize he's supposed to be a good guy). And it's loooooong, too.

But the other striking thing was the age of the audience. Forties to seniors, mostly AARP-eligible. Did the studio realize that nobody under 40 remembers this show?

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: Yeah, we finally rented it. We're halfway through. And I'll admit this: I was prepared to like this movie a lot. Larry McMurtry's a great writer, the scenery is spectacular and evocative... but a few things have gotten in the way: it's slow, it's boring, and most of the actors mumble so incomprehensively that I thought the movie we'd rented was "Boomhauer Tries Anal." Heath Ledger, in particular, exhibits the same thing Colin Farrell does in "Miami Vice"- if you can't quite do the accent, mumble everything. Plus, Anne Hathaway's breasts don't cancel out the sight of Heath doing Jake, especially after spitting into his palm to... okay, see, I didn't need to see any of that. Maybe the second half is better, but so far, well, meh again.

We'll get back to the rest of the DVD sometime this week. I'm not optimistic.


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July 31, 2006

HOUSE OF CARDS

The L.A. Times ran an article the other day about baseball cards. The gist of the piece was "how the mighty have fallen," tied to the big Anaheim collectors' show, which has fallen precipitously in attendance over the years. The article tries to explain the problem:

    By the late 1980s, many collectors had embraced a risky strategy. Rather than buying cards of proven players, they spent freely on cases of cards to find rookie cards for promising newcomers, hoping that their value would skyrocket if the players enjoyed successful careers.

    Bo Jackson's 1987 rookie cards by Fleer and Donruss sold for $15 to $20 in 1991, according to Card Trade magazine, but his cards plummeted in value after a severe hip injury forced him to retire. Today, they sell for about $1. Todd Van Poppel, touted as a pitching phenom when he was drafted out of high school by the Oakland A's, saw his Upper Deck rookie cards sell for $3.50 in 1991. Van Poppel's career fizzled and his rookie card now sells for less than a dime, according to Card Trade.

    Card companies also fed the trading card frenzy by introducing multiple 700-card sets of the same baseball players. "A lot of companies felt like they'd struck gold in 1991," said Don Williams, public relations manager for Carlsbad-based The Upper Deck Inc. "They were trying to get the fast buck by continually putting product out there, which got the marketplace out of alignment."

    The industry still is trying to recover from the burst bubble. Last year, Fleer was forced to sell its assets to Upper Deck. And venerable Topps on Friday agreed to nominate dissident shareholders — some of them former card collectors frustrated by the company's business strategy — to its board of directors.

Risky strategies and overzealous companies? Sure, but that's just blaming the symptoms, not the real causes, which were these:

1) Adults got involved.

2) Kids got driven away.

3) Kids found other, more exciting things to play with.

When I was a kid, baseball cards were simple- around about February, the wax packs hit the stores. You bought a few, excitedly looking to see what this year's cards would look like. Then you collected cards all season, inspecting the jumbo cellophane packs- the ones with three stacks dangling from a stapled-on cardboard hanger- back and front to see if they had any you still needed. And that was it.

Then, the adults got into it, because someone decided that cards could be traded not the way we did it- swapping your extra Felix Millan and Rick Wises for an Al Kaline you needed- but for cash. And with the earlier waves of Mickey Mantle cards going for a premium, the adults decided that, hey, this could be a way to make a lot of money. Suddenly, kids were out of the equation- collecting no longer meant getting a complete set, it meant getting the "right" cards.

And that's when the rookie card insanity started, and all the companies dove into the fray, and you started getting ridiculous variants like the "gold" cards and the cards with jersey swatches embedded in them. Meanwhile, kids bailed- video games are a LOT more fun.

There was also the phoniness of the valuations. Forget "mint" or "near mint"- the phoniness was more in what you could ever get for a "valuable" card. What ended up happening was a fool's market- older cards, even cards of Hall of Famers, would carry high valuations but nobody was interested in buying them, while all the real money was being poured into buying rookie cards on speculation. The inherent ludicrousness of this- spending inflated prices for rookie cards when the evidence sat in front of you that when that rookie became a Hall of Fame star, there'd be nobody interested in buying the card from you- never occurred to the speculators.

Me? Years ago, I decided to see what my childhood cards were worth. I put a bunch of highly-valued cards- rookie cards of stars, Hall of Famers, popular guys- into plastic binders and headed to a card show. According to the Beckett folks, I had some valuable cards. According to the vendors in the booths, I had nothing. They wanted that year's prospects, not some old guy like Willie Mays or Hank Aaron or Don Drysdale. They wanted the next generation's Willie Mays or Hank Aaron or Don Drysdale. I got out of there and put the binders on the shelf.

They're still there.

Maybe baseball cards were doomed by technology and changing tastes anyway. Probably so. But the end was hastened when the adults decided to storm the playground and change the rules. They ended up screwing each other, and the kids ended up playing something else.

And as time goes on, lessons are forgotten. They're doing video game tournaments on TV, and there's big money being thrown around. Where there's money, there are opportunistic adults ready to push the little kids aside. I hope there's someplace else for the kids to go when the greedy adults rule the video game world.

Maybe they'll start collecting baseball cards.


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About July 2006

This page contains all entries posted to PMSimon.com in July 2006. They are listed from oldest to newest.

June 2006 is the previous archive.

August 2006 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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