This week's All Access newsletter is pure fantasy. Or... IS it? Um, no, it's fantasy, pretty much:
It's hard to be an ex-program director. (Cue violins) The problem is... well, first, here are the positives: No more worrying about ratings. No more commute. No more trying to tell the General Manager why having someone threaten to protest out front with pickets is a good thing. No more deflecting salespeople when they try to slip an endorsement proposal to the talent.
And no more hearing something go wrong on the air and having to fix it. But that's also one of the things that's hard about what I do now. I hear a lot of stuff that needs fixing, and I... can't fix it, because it's not my job. I get frustrated. It's hard to just sit there and listen. I want to sit someone down and make it right. (And it's especially hard on my wife, who has to hear my complaints about mistakes and bad production and malformed topic setups and nod in agreement while I suspect she's thinking that perhaps I'll shut up if she feigns interest)
This came to mind again when I saw that there'll be a panel down at the Austin convention with a bunch of industry leaders discussing what they'd do if they were President of Radio. (See, there's an election going on, and they're...) I thought about that, and I realized I don't want to be President of Radio. Presidents have to deal with the Congress of Radio and the Senate of Radio, and maybe they'd have to pay attention to the Donors of Radio and the Lobbyists of Radio, and it would be a lot of work and a lot of diplomacy and there wouldn't be enough time to spend with the First Lady of Radio. No, I would prefer to be the Benevolent Dictator of Radio. No negotiation, no diplomacy. What I say, goes. Enlightened absolutism. Okay, granted, the term "Dictator" is a little loaded, but I just want things exactly the way I want them to be. Is that too much to ask?
If I ruled the (radio) world, here are a few of the things I'd want to get done right away (and keep in mind that I KNOW THIS IS FANTASY and it'll NEVER HAPPEN and economic pressures mean that it's all IMPOSSIBLE. Allow me to dream, please):
1. All program directors would handle one station, period. No more having to deal with three stations at once. They would also be relieved of their paperwork duties, and would therefore have the ability to listen to the station without distraction. That way, they'd be able to hear, and fix, problems right away.
2. All hosts would have 30 seconds from the start of a segment to get to the point. Meandering monologues would be dealt with by the application of a large spring-loaded mallet descending from the ceiling.
3. All standard news-talk imaging would be banished. It's not 1956. All stations would be given until tomorrow to replace the old music and stentorian voices with production that appeals to someone under 60 years old.
4. No more infomercials. (I said, I KNOW IT'S FANTASY) Oh, and no regular talent would be allowed to do brokered shows or infomercials, either. I heard a weekday host on a weekend brokered show this past weekend shilling for a dermatologist and... no. Just no.
5. I'd lock the ratings folks and the group heads in a room until they ironed out all the problems with PPMs. And then I'd sit all programmers and hosts down and tell them that the secret to surviving in a PPM world is... just do compelling radio. Look at the minute-by-minute breakdowns and what it really shows is that people tune out when you go on and on about something boring, and stick with you when you're entertaining. So you can't skate by with a middling topic, and you can't indulge yourself with rambling monologues. Imagine that.
6. I'd lock the copyright board in a room with rabid squirrels, just because. Then I'd come up with a simple, affordable fee structure by which the RIAA, SoundExchange, the artists, stations, webcasters, satellite, and podcasters would have to -- and could -- abide; no negotiations, no arguments, just my way or nothing. I pick a number and that's it. And then I'd lift all restrictions on competition and let 'em all go at it, broadcast vs. satellite vs. streaming vs. iPods vs. customized online stations vs. downloads. May the best entertainment proposition win.
7. Any programmer who puts any variation of the slogan "the best hits of the 80's, 90's, and today" on the air gets slapped in the face. Repeatedly. With a fish. I'm sorry, but it has to be done. My rules, my decision, no appeal.
8. Certain hosts and stations and programmers would be exempt from some or all of the rules, at my sole discretion. What fun is it to be The Law in These Parts if you can't give some people a break?
There'd be more, way more, but we'll save that for another round. (Besides, I'm tired, it's the end of the week, and there's an L.A. County Sheriff's Department helicopter circling over my house at the moment, which is impossibly distracting) If you have a wish list of your own, send 'em along and maybe we'll round them up for another column. Let someone else imagine being President of Radio. It's much more fun to rule with an iron fist.
For my next edict, I say we move on to the plug for All Access News-Talk-Sports and the Talk Topics column of show prep goodness. So far this week, the topics include why not to kick up a fuss at the airport, the latest in Monopoly news, why not to trust a guy who lists "Lolita" as his favorite book on his MySpace page, why you should bring back those overdue library books, a guy who left a particularly unusual legacy, how to deal with co-workers whose hygiene and habits are less than optimal, why California wants hybrid cars to make more noise, the not-so-mysterious mystery of the Black Mailbox (which isn't black), Charles Barkley's colonoscopy, aassault with a garden gnome, the ugliest college campus in America, the Amazing Motorized Office Chair, a nine foot tapeworm, "American Idol" auditions, the fattest states in the Union, why not to go kite surfing in a tropical storm, the dangers of cheerleading, and much more, including items about the election and the economy and stuff like that there. Then, enjoy "10 Questions With..." Oakland A's Broadcasting Manager and studo host (and syndicated "Country Fastball" creator/host) Robert Buan and the rest of All Access, which continues to pump out the radio and music industry's fastest, most complete, most reliable news coverage at Net News, plus ratings and jobs and all the other great stuff the rest of the All Access staff puts out all day, every day, for you, for free.
Good news: The police helicopter left. They must have been looking for someone else. For a moment, I thought they were on to my radio takeover plans. It's tough to be the King.
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