This week's "The Letter" is self-explanatory. There was a typo in the e-mail version, fixed here (I know it's Larry Craig, not Clark -- Clark is the movie director, Craig the guy with the "wide stance"). Here, read:
I was away from home for several days, far, far away in a strange and foreign land where the mosquitoes have individual names and the cockroaches are as big as linebackers. Yes, I was in sunny, hot, humid, almost liquid Florida, where I got to listen to radio stations not only from the greater Tampa-St. Petersburg-Clearwater-Dunedin-Pinellas Park-Temple Terrace-Brandon-Lutz market but from several surrounding markets like Sarasota, Lakeland, Orlando, and Havana. I did a lot of radio listening, especially on my long morning run along Bayshore where scanning the dial took my mind off of the heat, the humidity, and the smell (memo to Tampa officials: the bay water is not supposed to be chunk-style). And I heard some things that pushed my blood pressure up a little, because as a former radio programmer, I can't stop being a PD. I want to fix things, but since nobody will let me anywhere NEAR a radio station anymore, I gotta bring this stuff up here. So, these are a few thing s I heard, and why I shouldn't be hearing them:
"We've got a great show for you today."
I'll be the judge of that, Chuckles. Are you Ed Sullivan? No. So don't tell me it's a really big show, especially if all it is involves traffic and weather reports and a few kicker stories. "Honey, you shoulda heard the WWWWWWW morning show today! They had a report about a defective traffic light at West Shore and Gandy, and you'll never guess the relative humidity!" Promise nothing. Just deliver.
"It's 19 minutes in front of the hour."
Okay, but what time is it? Do you HAVE to talk like that? I don't know what "in front of" is supposed to mean. Is that before or after? And what hour are we talking about? If I'm getting ready for work in the morning, I'm not looking to calculate anything. Gotta get on the road by 6:40 -- so, am I late or not? Lose the jargon.
"It's 'Mayhem in the AM!'"
Okay, when I hear that, I expect mayhem. Real mayhem. Preferably one host bludgeoning the other with a baseball bat. (For some shows, that should be a daily feature. And if listeners get to join in, I'm sold) The "Mayhem in the AM" I heard was a perfectly good show -- it was on an AM news-talk station and they do a solid job of that with good energy and personality and plenty of local information -- but there wasn't any mayhem. "Mayhem" connotes out-of-control, outrageous, crazed. And in fairness, I only listened on one morning, so perhaps I missed the episode where someone brought a tactical nuclear warhead into the studio. But again, what you promise, you gotta deliver. You say "Mayhem," I want mayhem. Don't disappoint me. Or come up with a more appropriate name. (I'll give you "Talk Topics," cheap)
There were other good shows, too, of course, shows that tackled local issues with gusto and several shows that dissected, sliced, diced, chopped, cut and peeled the Buccaneers as cut day loomed. Some shows handled the Michael Vick story well, even after there wasn't much more to add to it, and everyone had something to say about Sen. Larry Craig. I could have used more local material, though -- I wanted to get the pulse of Tampa and St, Petersburg, and other than football, I felt I was getting more national talk. Still, the perfectionist in me wants talk radio to be perfect across the dial. Zero tolerance -- I want every show to do everything right, all the time, from the biggest syndicated extravaganzas to the smallest market "Tradio" show. I want to look at the ratings and see talk radio dominate. When I'm King of Radio... um... but I'm not, so I'll just keep listening and sniping and lecturing. And dreaming. It's what I do best.
What you do best is your radio show, of course, and -- yes, we've just left the "good" part and slipped right into the plug -- the one-stop source for material to make your show the best it can be is, naturally, All Access News-Talk-Sports' Talk Topics column (motto: "Looking For A Better Name Since 1999"). All you need to do is go there every day and presto, you've got a ton of great topics and conversation starters and needlessly self-indulgent commentary, all ready to fulfill your minimum daily topic requirements. So far this week, you'll items about find the role of "The Shocker" in high school athletics, an epic sports prank, how the Net has made making travel arrangement both easier and harder, a portrait of Ray Charles made of Post-Its, parents who shouldn't be allowed anywhere NEAR their kids, a profile of a contest pig, the legal troubles of El DeBarge (El DeBarge?!?), a couple who went through way too much trouble for a case of Natty Light, the possibility of the iCar, how to fix your phone after you drop it in the toilet (assuming you'd WANT to fix it), another school's ban on tag, why I get annoyed at hotel alarm clocks, Mark Cuban and Wayne Newton dancing, how wearing a Texas shirt on an Oklahoma bar could be hazardous to your most sensitive of areas, the spread of the everybody-strip-or-I'll-bomb-your-store phone hoax, John Edwards' problem with SUVs, the end of the last of the "at the tone, the time will be..." phone numbers, the fight over who owns the name "Steak Bomb," and plenty about U.S. Senators who use "wide stances" in Minneapolis-St. Paul airport restrooms, plus all the other stuff you've come to expect from All Access, including the best/fastest/first industry coverage in Net News, ratings, job listings, Mediabase charts, message boards, and much more, all free.
And now, if my cat will stop meowing all night, I'm gonna go try to catch up on the sleep I lost in all that travel. I suggest you do the same. Good thing it's a holiday weekend.
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