This week's All Access newsletter was inspired by several incidents in which I heard stations go very, very wrong:
It's late, you're tired and cranky, and all you want is a few laughs, so you turn on the TV and try Letterman or Leno. And you watch the monologue, and it's okay, and you're relaxing and enjoying the show when, suddenly, the host turns to the camera and says that now he's going to bring out an arthritis specialist to talk about joint pain and what you can do about it. Suddenly, you're watching an extended interview with a doctor about the benefits of glucosamine and chondroitin. What are you gonna do?
That's ludicrous. Letterman and Leno wouldn't do that. So why do I hear radio talk shows do stuff like that all the time?
Just this week, I tuned into a sports station expecting to hear them talking about the latest Kobe drama or the USC and UCLA debacles, and instead heard a long, tedious interview with a doctor about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I kid you not. It turns out that the station is involved with some sort of sports safety and health expo, the doctor's speaking there, and, well, obviously, someone at the station prevailed upon the hosts to put the doctor on and talk about ADHD. I left the station on just to see how long they'd let the interview last, and it took up an entire segment. By the time I parked and got out of the car, they were still talking about ADHD. ADHD is an important topic to some people, but not to a sports radio audience smack in the middle of the day. If I'd been a "regular" listener, I'd have tuned to the competition within 30 seconds of the start of that interview.
Then there was the talk show that suddenly stopped talking about the topic at hand and went into a real estate segment with some brokers from a particular well-known real estate firm, in what sounded an awful lot like an extended live paid spot. And I could cite more examples, because they happen every day in every market.
Look, I understand why this kind of stuff happens: the host gets approached by the sales manager or the promotions director, and someone made a deal with someone else and it's just for a segment and the guest is really an interesting guy and it's important to the station so you just CAN'T say no. And soon enough, an interesting topic is interrupted for a segment on the importance of biofuels, or the state of podiatry today. The station gets a buy out of it, or a promotional opportunity, and the show... well, the show has to be sacrificed.
But it doesn't have to be sacrificed. You don't see network prime-time TV shows interrupted by an infomercial segment (at least not yet). Even cable news shows, most of them anyway, don't sell interview segments for the sake of a quick boost to the bottom line. (At least, I hope not) The job of the talk radio show is, first and foremost, to entertain, because that's what your listeners are expecting. They come to you for 20 minutes of something interesting, informative, funny, insightful, or all of that, but above all, they're looking to be entertained. That's your primary mission -- and it enables all the other stuff like being informative and insightful. The most informative show won't be any good if it's not entertaining enough to keep the audience involved.
So someone has to tell the sales manager or the promotions director that your show content is not for sale. You -- the host and/or the producer -- should be the ones to decide what the topics will be and which guests make it on the air (if you do guests at all -- that's a topic for another Letter). But I recognize that sometimes you have to promote stuff, so if the station's involved in the Armpit County Corn Festival and Tractor Regatta and they tell you that you're going to have to bring the head of the Agriculture Department at Armpit County Community College onto your show, and you just can't say no, keep it as short as you possibly can, remember to do whatever you can do to keep it entertaining, and look for a job in another market. Seriously, those segments are deadly.
(Speaking of which, I don't want to get into it here, but those Vegas time-share commercials where the host does a recorded fake interview with a faded celebrity? Oy. Just... oy. I wish people in radio had more self-respect, 's all I'm sayin'.)
When it's time to do REAL talk material, of course, you can always find something to talk about at All Access News-Talk-Sports' Talk Topics show prep extravaganza, where you'll find items and links and stupid jokes about lots of topics. What's there so far this week? Plenty, like why your job is making you fat, several people with horrific parenting skills, how a couple of kids made lemonade out of the lemons of living in a dangerous neighborhood, how street racing is getting even more dangerous (and a threat to you and your family), trouble for Klutzo the Christian Clown, why one town is no longer safe for Beer Pong, Snoop Dogg in an orange jumpsuit, several stories involving high school incidents and YouTube, a halftime show to make you forget Janet Jackson, a scientific explanation why your kid will eat only chicken fingers, and way too many items involving pumpkins, because it IS that time of year. Then, check out "10 Questions With..." Bob Lacey, the "Bob" of "Bob and Sheri," who has some interesting things to say about their unique show, plus the rest of All Access with the latest industry news first, ratings, music charts, job listings, the Industry Directory, and much more, all free, as always.
Hey, I just got through the whole thing without mentioning a certain National League East baseball team's performance in the playoffs. Not gonna, either. Some memories are best left in the past. Or in a landfill.
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